Jasmine's Take on Salvia Unveils the Child

I think for every Salvia experience I might have to do two posts - because there is always two perspective - the big and the small.

While chewing the third quid there was a lot of annoying chatter from neighbours, the loudness was intense no doubt effects of Salvia - this made me really angry. It was like everything was against me taking a seriously deeper journey with Salvia.

Towards end of chewing I switched off lamp, lay down, close eyes and let the journey begin despite still feeling so uncontrollably angry. I put ear plugs on but the sensation of these were intense.

I recall to some degree being that other being - it was grand - from it the Earth and everything is formed, and yet it was like a child - Yes, almost like a spoilt brat, for some reason the good kind of brat if ever there is such a thing. There is that feminine energy to the right side, sort of like an arm holding the child, warming to it. There is speechless communication between child and mother. She is trying to soothe the child, comforting and even seemingly persuading the child to remain in that reality. The mother was pointing out my anger - that leaked through somehow. Then the child looks about for something to praise, here I am leaking through and a part of me is allowed to make suggestions. The child starts to praise me and I get a sense of what it is saying as I begin to give form to the unspoken words in English.

There was this playful sense, the whole Earth is a play. It is just like how Shakespeare depicted in one of his play:

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages."

~ As You Like It Act 2, scene 7, 139–143

Coming back there was a sense of me being put back together, or should I say the consciousness of that great being of which Human 'J' is a part of, zoomed in - there was this sense of that child's family watching over and I recall the part where That Greater Being asks for signs not for security but simply for the fun of it. It asked to be physically raised meaning a levitation, it was like in an instant it decided that that would be the very thing that would blow J's mind.

I remember coming back annoyed still with neighbours chattering, started cursing them but realized how amazingly powerful my thoughts and words were that that Being aware of me being aware of it would grant my every wish. Realizing this I rewired those thoughts. Got up to walk out the room but integration took some time, when I got to the door everything was still bent out of shape there was a heavy feeling. Energy pulling me back to the bed so I crashed back on the bed. Looked at my right arm it was still stretchy, ran fingers through my hair and the sensation was so extremely intense. Sensitive to the slightest touch.

I felt a great power with the saturation of that Great Being who is merely just in those higher terms a child. That child was the Creator of this Earth and no doubt an infinite number of other creations. Perhaps there is something more than what I've been able to fathom, maybe I am barely just touching the surface of something much greater.

I did not sleep well last night, slept late at 3ish am and at 6am the sunlight was so painfully intense keeping me awake and aware of my head aching.

Salvia Unveils the Child

This account I'm relaying from my notebook. Used mouthwash and this time the leaves rehydrated quite a bit allowing me to make 7 quids.

While I was still in that other perspective and integrating back to this identity named Jasmine I wrote as much as I could describing all that took place (coming back it was like I was still 90% saturated with being that other Great Being and 10% saturated as Jasmine, I'm sure someone will know what I mean):

I am someone else, I don't know who I am, don't know if I have a name. Mother, Father - I know I have all energies in support of me, this family is in some ways similar to the earth families. A moment ago I was there by mother's side - she wasn't sure I should stay (on Earth)? I could feel her holding me, soothing me - 'J' was angry when coming here coz of neighbours racketing (noisy people). Her agitation was felt by me not in the physical sense, I was simply aware of it. This anger leaked through. Mother is pointing at this agitation trying to persuade me to come back, or it could be simply that she's teasing me. I want to show her something she could be proud of. Slowly 'J' is leaking through and I say 'Look at that, look at J. She is amazing, she is so great, she is worth it'. Worth what I can't recall... 'J' leaking through is like being possessed by her, though I'm not possessed I am still in control but yet for the sake of physical understanding it is like possession.

I am adamant, that mother energy knows there is no holding me back. If I must return and continue with that unreal reality then it must be so - it is a game that one gets caught in.

I say to that motherly energy 'I'm going and that everything is okay, it's great'. Then I say that I will remember them but it will be great if they could give me some sign that they're watching over me. I come out with a brilliant idea after 'J' filtering through I say 'Raise me up, yes that will do the job'. Meaning a physical levitation.

I think it's best to call that other reality family - a familial energy. They watch over everything - more like as an audience and not protectors or guardians. There is no sense of protection, fear is simply non-existant part of the made up reality so there is no need for protection. All of it is fun and games - simply creativity at it's very best.

I am returning - but not in the sense of moving from one place to another. It is like there is One energy and from that One energy it is that and it is this. So the energy continuously shifts forming many a great infinite number of realities.

J's anger is still intense upon return but there is a saturation of me blending with her. She curses her neighbours but quickly takes it back realizing how powerful her command was and that I would grant her every wish. She replaced the anger with blessings for her neighbour realizing that everything was a part of her, part of the energy behind this creation.

There is no sense of good or evil where there is freedom. Should she have gone through being dictated by her anger she would never be condemned in the way that punishment is assumed in the physical world.

Pranayama

Yesterday I practiced the alternate nostril breathing method doing 3 rounds twice.

I have found that my left nostril is dominant, and right nostril slow and stuffy.

I felt some amazing difference in the quality of my breathing after this first practice, will be continuing this.

Pranayama

Yesterday I practiced the alternate nostril breathing method doing 3 rounds twice.

I have found that my left nostril is dominant, and right nostril slow and stuffy.

I felt some amazing difference in the quality of my breathing after this first practice, will be continuing this.

Nightly Brain Squeeshes

I'm getting a lot of brain sensation when asleep. I would suddenly wake up from it but it's a mission remaining awake to witness what is taking place.

I am aware mostly of squeeshing sensation, I say squeeshy coz it sounds squeeshy as well as the feeling of it.

Nightly Brain Squeeshes

I'm getting a lot of brain sensation when asleep. I would suddenly wake up from it but it's a mission remaining awake to witness what is taking place.

I am aware mostly of squeeshing sensation, I say squeeshy coz it sounds squeeshy as well as the feeling of it.

The Entities

I used Salvia last night at 11:20pm, chewing on bunched up leaves because they were too small. I can't even be sure how many I used, since I bunched up several small leaves and classed it as 1 medium leaf. I would say about 18 medium sized leaves were used.

The bitter taste was there but now tolerable. The chewing made me so aware of my jaw - next time need to chew softer and slower at first and then increasing tempo. While lying down I was still chewing and felt like my teeth had become soft then got worried I could be actually chewing harder than I think I am and cause severe damage.

15 minutes later chewing complete the effects had already kicked in. Swallowing the remaining bits of leaves became difficult. It was like I had no guts for it to pass down, it became stuck - this was worrying.

This time I don't recall a merging with my surroundings instead there was almost instantly an awareness of another reality. I was forgetting who I was. In two instances I had to remind myself of my name, I felt like I needed to do this otherwise who will remember this experience.

I sensed there were other entities, communicating something. With these entities I was forgetting myself and was being an entity like them. I was a part of their group. In a sense I was able to see them. They looked like they came out of some ancient tapestry and their form was aztec like and made of stone material. I was not seeing with physical eyes however, this seeing was different to the ordinary sense of seeing. It was more like a perception of them.

There was quite a bit of background noise which was bringing me back, in this state initially background sounds shift as well as one's perception of the physical surrounding but there comes a point where the physical senses are enhanced and can bring you back abruptly.

Upon return solar plexus vibrated, there was a vibration near my throat. Throat vibration was so intense I thought something would pull apart. I could tell I was still meshed between this reality and that other reality, there was an energy under my feet and I played with it trying to bridge the gap. Bridging the gap or some purpose like that had occupied my mind and I kept trying to use that same energy that animated both realities.

I wouldn't say I completely returned, it was definitely a slow process coming back and so just let sleep take over from there. Woke up abruptly from a dream I can't recall at 2am.

Salvia Without Mouthwash

A new way I'm now using Salvia (dried leaves) is without the mouthwash. Experimented last night and it is just as effective, but there are other factors that need to be taken into account, such as noisy environment, one's state of mind etc.

Truth Hauntings In Sleep

Dreams were reflections of the experience I had. Could not really sleep felt haunted, kept opening eyes from insane dream visuals. Pains near ovary were intense and head was aching. Something in my head squeeshed as I raised my head from pillow. Felt changes going on inside in head and knew when I woke up in morning I will not be feeling so good.

The last dream was the most peculiar, it was too vivid. I'm at a reception agitated that the receptionist did not call me - waiting long time. They said they're bringing my file out and if I could please wait.

I sat down and with sarcasm said 'Of course I can wait. Haven't you heard? I have all the time in the world. I'll just sit and wait here. Please don't hurry on my account!' Boy, was I burning with rage inside.

The file is in front of me. Something wrong with my spine and because of this I am experiencing Spatial Hallucination? - they're gonna correct my spine. Some problem associated with my neck and head which they have written on file they will correct. I'm confused. I read an article about a woman whose twin sis died - she had these procedures and became extremely depressed.

I wasn't sure I wanted any of the procedures mentioned. Actually I was certain I didn't want it at all. The person who wrote the file seemed manipulative and was conspiring for their personal agenda.

Woke up, menstruating which explained the severe force I felt in ovaries.

Ventured into the realms of Truth

Here is what I wrote later in the day in notebook:

How do I describe the events from last night with Salvia? Where do I begin? How do I divulge Truth which the physical material world and all knowledge accumulates here - how in this physical world do I describe that which has no language in which it can be spoken of?

Despite this I will try my best, I'll have to resort to using physical understandable analogies. Here goes:

During the time of chewing my mind was rampant with physical concerns = I felt I was not focusing my hearth and mind on Salvia. Intention was 'Yeah, just continuing where I last left off.' I wasn't excited nor expectant of anything = physical concerns occupied me about 85%.

To be honest, I was not looking forward to merging with surrounding- becoming One with it - that feeling makes me uncomfortable and it is present always just as the effects kick in. Like getting on a roller coaster, at the very last minute once the bars are secured you're not sure you want to take this ride but it's too late coz it's already in motion.

Bed is moving left to right = I know it's Big Friendly Giant (this label is not adequate but is fitting better than label 'God' it is really the Great Mind of God).

BFG is playing with his toys - he knows I'm aware of His presence. In this state I just 'know - that knowing feels so natural - like a light switch flipped and the light shines bright - natural and logical for such mechanism.

I turn the lamp off in physical, laying down, close eyes. My surrounding and everything is in communication and can commune with me because everything has consciousness.

I can hear mum, dad and uncle Si chattering away, someone walks in passageway (sister), stops near my door and walks away. I hope no one calls me as I'm in no state to respond clearly.

As I'm changing, merging spreading out weaving into the deepness, uncle's Si praying in physical in next room, loud pretty annoying singing. All sound is quite, except his prayer = I feel his prayer is to ward of some evil but he does not realize that that is exactly what invites the energy of evil in. Once the praying stopped and external sound quietened I went deeper into the bigger picture = The Greatest reality to exist, at least that I know of. Before it there was a feeling of groupness - heard mums voice and then felt the energy of her group it had a feeling of oldness. There are many groups and I'm going past them. Then slowly I am no longer me - I've been stripped of memories - I am now another reality. From then things made so much sense but the logic I really cannot explain. Truth is difficult to explain - it has to be experienced.

I recall just before I was becoming that other vast reality I thought of my sisters and about their experience and that now I knew what it was, what we were, I was going to share it with them, the entire nature of reality. I go so deep into it that all physical reality is the Truth clouded, it is one veil of many - we lift that veil and the Truth is unraveled. When that veil lifts it is not a matter of coming face to face with something - instead you are it, You are the very thing that you see.

The predicament of the person in touch with this Truth is that they know it and yet they don't know it, this is why they cannot share it nor give it to another person through mere words, you are simply alone. In order to know Truth one must be Truth.

I recall when coming back - I was not yet myself, I was yet not fully 'J'. I had to touch the walls out of an urge - needed to feel the solidity, there was an affinity to the power behind it all - the power that made this illusion seem so real. There was also during the experience that other part of me that was referring to the invention of time and how silly it was.

Reading this post and the other it's almost probably like reading about two different experiences but there are some things that were left out in previous entry that are included here.

Initial After Recall of Truth Experience

Wrote this in my notebook after coming out of last nights intense experience.

@ 11:45pm chewed on 6 quid balls, at 11:55pm the effects were kicking in really fast. Used about 22 leaves since most of them were small. I knew the room was shifting. Interesting thing, the bed was moving left and right visually - not physically (but it's almost the same thing). At the time I, Jasmine the mask as well as the one behind knew deeply - some presence was teasing. Yes - another presence was shaking this - sort of like teasing. Imagine a Giant. This G has in its hand small people, like toys he moves about these people but to these people the G is invisible but despite that it's presence is known, familiar to them. The G is doing this to get it attention as if to say 'I know you see that I see you. That was the deep initial feeling I gathered.

I lay down on my back - surrounding communication. Mum, Dad and Uncle Si are in the kitchen. They talk so much and loud, despite this went deeper. Consciousness spread down and out, I could feel them, hear Uncle Si a bit louder.

As consciousness was spreading I knew what was happening - or should I say Jasmine's familiar with this movement but there's another aware part - aware of all movement, with great clarity and accurate precision - really hard to describe this.

Things got deeper, Jasmine was unravelling and wrapped with that other presence in the midst of truth. Everything was so clear. She knew that the Earth was a mold of creation and there was an urge to tell others about this amazing discovery. Still she felt to go further, still much more to learn, or to remember. The only thing however she needed to know was ever present, ever aware.

She was in the midst of a player - playing a game - she's a part of that game. As she merged into the conscious awareness of the One behind this all here are the events of which she became.

That other One was in a discussion with another - similar to earthly discussion but not with words - but with unspoken words.

Becoming small again there was a window of opportunity - in a warped kind of portal everything was getting sucked in - all reality was about to be wiped out and what was to remain was what is unknown. the program (physical) was about to be completely aborted - but physical sounds loomed in and before all Jasmine's memories were to be wiped out, mum's voice resounded loud and then J recalled her memories of her existence. Then someone says something, 'See, there is still much to be done, much to be changed'. Who was it? J? The One behind J?

There's mum's voice - it was weird to think 'my mum' while writing as if all sense of belonging has been wiped out. There was a feeling present, being irritated by the sound of the physical voice must've been coming from 'J'.

Physical police sirens - 'See, this world's mad needs changing - tweaking - The world needs to transform into a beautiful garden - then I'm ready, then I will go through that opened window.

Now I know from reading Krishnamurthi biographies why K would refer to himself in third person. K is a mask, a character. J is that as well any identification, person is that. Some point towards coming back there was sensation near crown 'J' focused, her sensations increased - in discovering power of illusion 'J' used that sensation to intensify it - to light up her head and be endowed with all knowledge through this region, she knew next time she used the sacred herb she will use it to allow that light to permeate the physical vessel.

While 'J' gets balanced and in her point of view she will describe everything from that perspective for sake of physical clarity.

Worm of Destruction and Power Plant

Dreamt that I was in the garden towards the left section I look at the soil, piled up with twigs and leaves. A worm emerges, at first I thought it was a centipede but upon clearer observation I see it has spikes. Very dangerous scary looking creature. In the physical I would've ran miles away from it, instead I am curious as to what this creature is. Touch it slightly with a stick, it inflates -like something out of a horror movie. A knowing comes to me translated this knowing is that this worm like creature can devour everything. Relieved I didn't touch with my hands. I pose a unspoken question, "How can this be useful?" The answer is it is a solution to dispose of the crappy artificial things we have created as opposed to landfills.

Next scene I walk to other side where a vine like plant is growing, I am explaining to someone that this plant should never be grown for a second time because it will take over all other plants and spread like a virus.

Baby Falls

Another baby dream, which I've noticed at particular times have become a reoccuring theme in dreamland.

I'm at cousins house or it looks like this house. I'm seated at one bed and on another bed at the other side of room there is a baby sleeping.

This baby suddenly awakens, seeing me the baby flips over and hits the floor. I run up and carry the baby knowing this little babe is pretty strong, I look at the car seat and relieved that at least baby didn't land on that otherwise there could've been some serious injuries.

I look at this absolutely adorable baby and say 'Why do you keep doing that when you see me?' I have a cooking apple biting into this and give a sweet apple to the baby telling the baby it is sweet. With the baby in my arms I walk down the stairs, my cousin has arrived. She is stretching her arms out reaching out for the baby at which point I'm confused and wonder if the baby is hers or mine.

In reality the baby in the dream did not look like my cousins baby. Also in reference to the apples my neighbours have a huge cooking apple tree and another tree with apples very sweet.

Sexual Dreams

For the past few days I have been having at least one sexual dream per day. Today woke up from a dream about a young woman with dark hair and another woman who is her friend. The dark haired woman is combing her hair and both woman very happy about their love lifehaving found their life partner.

There is an impression of what the partner looks like - attractive and suitable. They make a good match I think as I am dreaming this. At one point the woman is in a beachy area combing her hair with a wooden comb, she is thinking how combing her hair makes her feel good. I have recently replaced my plastic combs in physical reality with wooden combs recently making a transition in using only natural materials and believe the dream was drawing reference to this.

Another scene pops up, here it seems several years have passed by. A lot has changed, the woman lives with her mother and she no longer has a partner. Something happened, it seems they split up but I could tell that she carries the memory of her partner.

A very attractive young chineses or korean man knocks on her door. The woman seems to be talking in some way, a narrative voice is telling me about how the man at first appeared calm, charismatic and charming. The second time he arrives he appears to be a 'bonehead' and seemed too demanding. Another scene the man is seated, he is just visiting but after something more this time. The woman looks apprehensive, she feels that this man is completely uninterested in her sexually - a case of low self esteem. As she walks away the thoughts of the young man becomes so loud, he is thinking 'Oh, all the dirty things I want to do to you' - not exactly romantic. I get the impression that he's just a horny demon.

Another scene woman is sleeping on her bed, a sort visual of entities are hovering above her. She sees this and is alarmed. Suddenly the entity transforms into the man she had recently met, who is attempting to embrace her. She pushes or gently moves him aside showing that she lacks in interest. She is lying down in a curled half foetus position, he is also lying down on the other side of the bed but it is like she thinks he is not there.

Singing Truth Despair

This dream started off very bizzare. First I go inside a kitchen, there is a young man with a hammer who is contemplating whether to smash the edge of the worktop. I am thinking he shouldn't do it as he'll get in trouble. Another man walks in takes hammer and smashes the worktop - I get the feeling he's a police and just framed the other lad and his intention is to wrongly arrest him. The young man walks out and house is locked down, I walk out to garden and a huge barrier falls down making it impossible to escape.

I squat down and start embracing the man who is left behind and things get sexual from here. This man eventually just disappears right in front of me and I realize I might have just thought him up. I look up to see SP - the attractive version. He looks younger. He is staring at me in sympathy. His stare tells me that he will join me and let me experiment on him as opposed to my imagination. Just as he gets down he is summoned by another woman, who grabs him as he looks at me apologetically. My mouth opens wide and I'm really upset. There is a circle of partners doing some country like dance. I'm thinking where's my partner, how about me? Suddenly I realize I'm a black woman and in the circle there is a black man who I feel is supposed to be my partner. He looks at me knowingly and his partner is coming to tell me that they're just friends and that I should go join him.

I simply look away, still upset and very hurt also maybe jealous about something. I start crying in pain and storm out through a door. I am outside and across the road in a cafe I spot Simon Cowell - we know each other and I'm hoping he'll show some sympathy and try to console me. Instead he looks away pretending he didn't see me and even embarrassed by my appearance. I walk away even more hurt and lonely. As I walk on the vast pavement and this area just filled with so many artificial buildings I say to myself that I'm gonna get on any random bus and let it take me wherever it pleases. I walk and to my right view a glass building, ponder it for a while recognizing it as a hospital.

As I walk I look up at the big sky that is filled with too many sky scrapers, a sight that looks ghastly and break out in a song not a care in the world that people are gonna stare at me like I've lost my marbles.

I sing:

Look at the sky filled up with silly things
How can we change the world, how can we lead
How can the blind lead the blind
How can the blind see the Truth

The amazing thing about my singing was that I was not even thinking the words before they came out, they just poured out of me without a single thought. The melody was 'Walking in the air' from 'The Snowman'. I recall upon waking up that my mouth was opening while singing, like I must've mouthed the words in the physical while singing in the dream.

Salvia Zooming Out

Last night since I was feeling better I decided to journey with Salvia.

My intention with Salvia last night was to have a greater understanding of the self - the self that is mentioned quite a lot in the Bhagavad Gita and Upanishads.

12:50am chewed on 5 quid balls made out of 20 leaves, mostly large. I kept feeling it was not going to be effective, that somehow the dose was not enough to go deep though higher than before despite it working last time to some degree. Don't know why I keep having doubts during the chewing process. I lay down no external sound as I have ear plugs on. The effects do kick in but feels mild - had too much control I thought I'm gonna snap out of it easily. Can't recall if eyes were closed or open. Things have definitely shifted & suddenly I feel I'm riding in some carriage - is the physical body the carriage, and the carriage is just shifting shape?

I see the surrounding that is shifting is in communication with me. At some point I felt the ear plugs in my ears were distracting - took them out, they felt like 2 big sausages. I also recall that it will be better taking the ear plugs out so a physical sound, or something physical will help me to return in case I get too deep.

Going back I thought that was it - I disrupted the effects by making physical movement and that I'm going to return to normal waking consciousness, but instead I go deeper, much deeper. Consiousness is spreading as though there is a magnifying glass zooming out, I am observing the bigger or still just a small part of the bigger picture. I am among other beings invisible to the eye, there is a competition and there before me is a part of my creation - a small part of something bigger than I was able to comprehend. Inside this small part were other smaller parts like tiny microscopic cells - it appeared from this greater vantage point that the Earth, the galaxy that contains Earth & its inhabitants were but tiny microscopic fractions of the tiniest cells.

Then without words I am saying "Look at that creation". The creation I am referring to is the one containing Earth as I am feeling this I am no longer Jasmine and she is just a part of that creation.

I say that that creation is the greatest. I am speaking to something greater than the expanded perspective I had assumed or did it assume me? - the other beings are also in a similar fashion trying to get the attention from this greater presence.

It's almost as if I am trying to seduce this presence with the creation that lay before me in its magnificent form. Another analogy would be a sales person trying to sell a product. Only we're not selling for money, our hopes seem to remain in the response of that greater presence in our midst. We were vying for attention or acknowledgement from this great presence.

My intention was to meet, to know the Immortal Self or even be but I think I may have got more than I bargained for. I looked down at the creation & looking at it I knew there was still room for improvement that I could still perfect it.

Gently my consciousness zoomed in & focused back into the physical lump that now with the greater perspective I knew it was just a creation - can be discarded, can be re created , can be improved etc. I recall, as a part of that greater consciousness and not the personality of this Earth, Jasmine, that I wondered when I became little/zoomed in/focused again if I am to shout or scream out in that physical body would the cosmos, that great presence hear me.

Another analogy that comes to mind regarding that larger perspective of a small part of something big is that it was a dance movement and upon contemplation I felt there was some way that I could improve that particular dance move - that the One who's attention I was vying for was worth so much more than what I thought was great. All I wanted to do was please that magnificent presence who was invisible, not in a master slave kind of way but with natural auto compliance.

There is still so much that is left unsaid about this experience, and I could come up with a 100 different analogies to try to describe in detail everything that took place (since that is really the only way I can) however I feel no words could make anyone understand what it feels like to suddenly realize that the life, the physical reality one calls real is really just a creation, created by a Creator who was seeking admiration, at the very least some acknowledgement from a presence that engulfs this Creator. This Creator exists for that presence. There is still so much that I can learn from Salvia - there are still some pieces missing that can help me make sense from all that I've already learnt.

While writing this I still feel very ungrounded, everything still appears slightly wobbly and a bit dizzy. This also happened last time, especially when I am on the computer I seem to get unstably dizzy I would definitely have to limit my use of Salvia.

I was back by 1:30something am, about 20 minutes passed since feeling the effects of Salvia.

Salvia Dreams

Dreaming a lot about Salvia in past few days, I have wanted to take it via buccal method but fell ill 3 days ago, bug that I caught from another person.

Dreams are about chewing and having discussions about it, very unrecallable just that Salvia was involved and main subject of dreams.

Recovering right now so will plan out for the coming days.

Salvia's Illusions

At 1:05am after inserting earplugs I began the chewing process, I used more leaves than last time but they were smaller in size. I was a bit worried about putting more in, it seemed sufficient but really I was second guessing myself.

At 1:20am I was done and around this time the effects kicked in. I lay back with my blanket over myself, not sure I will use this blanket again as at the end it produced so much static. Closed eyes, but I knew that the effect was wearing of fast coz the dose was less compared to the last time. So I chewed vigorously the remaining bits of Salvia and the shift kicked in (the chewing plays a big part in the activation of Salv A).

Then I wasn't sure my eyes were closed coz my room was suddenly visible. My surrounding bulged in and out of shape very gradually. One side of the wall that was being shifted was bulging out and right about this time it was like something was coercing or suggesting to me that this 'bulging' should be there. I was not having it, and just by recalling what that part of my room looked like I put it back together. I started to blend in with the surrounding (a fragment of the Oneness experience ). I knew that like the first time I was merging into everything, there was no melting just a blending. Around me everything was like play dough, being molded into different shapes, but I knew that originally I was in my bedroom and recalled how this looked and once again I am in the process of putting it all back together. When surrounding looked normal again I was still under the spell but greatly disappointed that I had not gone as deep as I did previously and realized I should've increased the dose, but at the same time there was also something else that was bugging me.

My room was still normal, I however was still blended with the surrounding and then a most startling thing happened. The right side of me that was blended was almost breathing in and out - but I noticed a glitch that I can't describe, a sensation? or a feeling? a sudden undeniable profound knowing.

The realization struck me like a bolt of lightning, my physical surrounding was a figment of someone's imagination. Someone thought this whole environment into being and it was unreal, this both confused me but also made absolute sense. The presence of this Creator was somewhere above me or around me and I was being directed to it. I thought that if I carried on or had gone deeper I would become unreal and all there will be left is the one who thought me into being, the one who imagined me as well as everything else I perceive as reality was about to un-imagine me and when that happened the world that I know would cease to exist. For the first time I am beginning to truly understand what Krishnamurti meant when he said "I am the world and the world is 'me'."

Upon complete return which was around 1:30something AM I was so disappointed didn't bother to jot down any notes so I don't forget details and besides this is not something one easily forgets. I could not understand my disappointment though and I still am unsure about the real cause of this disappointment.

Am I dissapointed coz I didn't take a higher dose and go deeper? Was it the absence of that warm radiation I felt last time? Was it the earplugs? Was my intention not clear enough? Or could it simply be the undeniable fact that I am the figment of someone's imagination?

The answer is probably obvious but really the fact that none of this is real does not bother me or maybe this is what I feel now compared to what I felt during the experience which was what is commonly known as confuzzlement and just agitated.

The fact that all of this reality is unreal serves as an incentive, even though I'm not real at least not in the sense that I always thought I was. Incentive because now I know it's all a game, perhaps for some people a sick joke.

This experience actually helped make sense of what happened in my last experience. In the last experience I think I was so blended in, going too deep too fast that my left brain could not make any rational sense although I was more emotionally aware and was able to make emotional sense. This time that part of the brain was too awake, too alert it's no wonder why I put up some resistance with the shifting surroundings. When I think about it, an analogy to best describe my resistance would be two interior designers or architects in conflict.

For my next Salvia journeying I am going to be more specific with my intention and will be increasing dose - I want to meet the One who imagined me, the One who dreamt me into being. Whether the One is Source, God, Higher Self, Soul, or the Great Spirit does not matter and I find that any label we want to assign to this Great Mind will be increasingly inadequate. With that said I don't want to hold any expectations or let my presumptions of the Source, or any reverence regarding it cloud my judgement because I don't want the experience to be just a projection of everything that I thought up or how I think it should be. So I will make my next trip without a map, the only thing I intend to go equipped with is my destination which is the Source, nothing else, no preconcieved notions, nothing, which means I will have to leave everything that I think I know behind.

Salvia Quid Method with Ear Plugs

My intention is to take Salvia tonight via quid method. Initially I was thinking about playing some light music in the background but that might actually prove to be distractive since my last trip I had issues with external sounds so I will be using ear plugs instead.

Next time I intend to see what influence music has while under the influence of Salvia.

My intention for tonight is simply to delve deeper from where I had left off from my last travel. Right now my intentions will not be too specific as I am wanting to explore more the inner worlds of Salvia and from there see where I want to take this.

So here's the plan:

• Skipping dinner tonight or will probably eat something light
• Brushing teeth at 7pm and no drinking after this time
  
• 12am will brush more thoroughly (cheeks, and tongue area), mouthwash
• If necessary empty bladder
  
• 12:30am I will soak the leaves again using 16 leaves
• Focusing on intention for 20 minute soaking duration and a moment of prayer
• Insert ear plugs and once Salvia is rolled will start chewing away
• Keeping notebook and pen handy so upon return I could write about the experience

What I like about chewing Salvia

Here's what I like about this method:

I feel physically balanced and stable (no jittery or shakiness)
Transition is so smooth I flow with the experience
No anxiety or fear of dropping hot flaming pipe
No fear of losing bodily control or moving about
Very relaxing, physically and mentally
No need for a sitter
Retention of awareness
Lasts longer than smoking
Connection feels deeper and stronger

Salvia Quid Method (buccal)

After smoking some normal (non-concentrated) salvia leaves yesterday I decided that was the last time I will ever smoke anything - hurt my throat and was horrible.

I don't think it was designed to be smoked either. For starters it makes me very jittery, hands start to shake, lips start to quiver. The physical effects aren't very nice even though the phenomenal visuals come about rapidly. The whole rapidness seems to be quite an issue and in comparison to the chewing method that I tried out today for the first time the quality is not really all that.

Today at 9pm brushed teeth, tongue and cheeks for the last time. Rinsed mouth with some corsodyl mouthwash. At 9:25pm picked out some leaves from bag rather meticulously, looking at each leaf, observing shape and sniffing it (of course this part is not required and I made up). I picked out 16 leaves as some of them seemed too small and soaked in bowl of cold water for 15 minutes during which time I held intention for exploring what salvia had to offer via the chewing method and simply relaxed. I also asked for tips on the best way of taking salvia. I gave my thanks to the Source that has made available this wonderful plant. Sudden realization came to me that I was to chew it in the similar manner as paan (betel leaf) is chewed.

CITY LIGHTS JUST WENT OUT AT 12:05am whilst writing this - weird I thought I short circuited my computer.

At 9:45 I drained the leaves and rolled layers of leaves into 4 balls and started chewing the first. The taste was awful and I was starting to rethink the entire ritual. My plan while chewing was to focus on breathing and only think about about my intentions but I couldn't - that vile taste was about the only thing I could wrap my mind around. It was so horribly bitter and I even apologized to the plant that I had such distaste for it.

By some miracle I got through to the second ball felt a little different and by the third the taste became tolerable especially once the effects became more pronounced. At 10:10pm on the fourth ball I knew that I got exactly the necessary dose. I quickly spat out the chewed remains of this last ball and rested on my back, eyes closed. To my right and to my left a spectacular visual of pillars and wall surfaces were forming. I was feeling a presence in this shift, this presence was in every part of the visuals unfolding. They were such that I can't describe what they looked like but can certainly say I felt them. As I was going deeper I felt and according to my visuals it seemed I was being folded or wraped and simply being carried. There was warmth and an amazing amount of acknowledgement on my part of whom I was dealing with. I felt so comfortable, there was no need for fear. I kept feeling that I was fine and emotionally I was saying that I was okay with going away, that I am willing to be taken to wherever this presence was drawing me to. I was looking forward to it.

Then there was a sound, running tap water. I kept thinking about this sound and how even the spell that I was under there was no doubt that it was the tap in the toilet. I knew I could ignore it or even use the sound to my advantage and flow away. And there I am caught between two realities in one reality the running water is getting louder and to make it even worse I could hear the sound of R's annoying voice yelling on the phone(which is her usual way of talking) and then there was that other reality in which I was ready, prepared to get sucked into. Strangely enough the presence that I felt started giving the expression of 'Uh oh' as if they knew the sound was drawing me back to my physical reality and that the salvia effects will wear off. I got up for a bit slightly agitated but determined to go deeper since I when I opened my eyes the physically reality was still warped out of shape - I was still good to go. So put my head back to the pillow and try to wonder back into this other comfortable unknown place. Unfortunately there was no way of ignoring my sisters absolutely annoying loud irritating voice. I think the energy, presence around me got the picture and then it started to feel like I was being reassembled somehow but I also got the feeling that I was being peeled and then wrapped.

By 10:30pm I got out of the Salvia state utterly pissed at my sister, she's going home on Friday and that is the only thought that kept me grounded.

I tried to just fall asleep and despite feeling a bit drunk yet coherent I knew sleep would take time to take over. So groggily I fixed up a quick meal making up for my skipped dinner, stuffed myself I think mostly coz I was just depressed because my sister managed to ruin everything.

The setting was actually perfect, low noise, dim lighting and very clear intentions only problem was the loud voice that belonged to my sis which I did not anticipate.

I consider today's ritual a success but only partial due to annoying unforeseeable distractions. I'm glad that it worked via this method coz I absolutely hated smoking. I felt the chewing process allowed a deeper and sustainable connection, there was a comfortable rhythm and a more meaningful relationship to the plant. I will definitely be using this plant again and honestly I'm pretty amazed that it worked via chewing since I was predisposed to think it would not work quite as effectively as the smoking. Actually I am just astounded at how effective and refreshing this has been. I am also very glad that so far I have been able to maintain a good level of physical control both via smoking and buccal method.

It seems that though there are a lot of posts and articles advocating that smoking will get you out a lot faster than chewing leaves I think that the chewing method is highly effective and it is more gentle than smoking. In fact smoking is quite harsh, at least for me.

Mind you, I am still somewhat dazed - Salvia is still in my system.

Predicting Synchronicities

Yesterday while watching (not really paying much attention) Two and a Half Men, I just knew there was going to be some reference to something related to drugs. I knew it was going to be something that I thought of in the last two days. It was a strong yet very random feeling.

In one episode Alan is converting certain materials into miniature cars, Charlie enters scene and makes a remark about his bong. I've been thinking about purchasing a bong.

The second episode there was some reference to drugs.

I wonder am I predicting these synchros or creating them?

Something to think about.

Salvia 10x extract Experiences

The setting was a little messy, I decided against using my room coz of the possible ramifications of three people out of their minds. We used the 10x extract mixed with the normal potent dried leafs. Method : Smoked in glass pipe.

Meet the sisters:
S is the youngest sister, the baby of the familly
R is the second youngest sister
Ro is the third youngest sister (one year younger than me)

We were in Ss very untidy room, shoved all the piles of mess into corners of the room.

The first sister to take the salvia was the one from the previous post, I realized that it would be best since she had a high tolerance so I put in as big a dose as I could pack in the bowl. She ripped away and off she went. Laughter followed both from her and the audience. R was talking and whispering a lot. S was filming the events. After a few fits of laughter Ro was slowly coming back and pointed at R for ruining her trip and that she might gone a bit deeper. Her main complaint was that she's never heard anyone whisper so much.

Next it was S got excited and took a few hits, after choking on her final inhalation - she was gone. A few giggles later reality around her was a daze of patterns she was moving inside a tunnel and at the end of that tunnel she saw a light. Moving around and mumbling she slowly returned and complained that Ro and R ruined it for her and she explained how this is definitely not something you do with too many people. She was later able to determine that it was the lamp on the floor that she percieved as the tunnel with the light at the end. She was very agitated and annoyed that my other sisters ruined it.

Next it was Rs turn, and it was also the funniest - so funny I couldn't quite help myself and had a laughing fit myself. After a few fits of laughter she got on her knees raised her arms up to the ceiling and shouted softly 'Yay, I want some more'. She started walking around on her knees which was hilarious. She was mumbling about something green and went on and on trying to describe something. She was obviously hallucinating and in the process she picked a few things that we were saying. For eg. She said 'Uggh, that taste in my mouth!' then went on to say 'Who said I ate something, someone said I ate something.' Which was true, it was Ro who was teasing R when she was smoking the pipe. Since R has a big appetite which we all know about, Ro teasingly said 'Oh my God, she's eating it' referring to the way R was inhaling. She said that she was about to go through this massive gate but then she saw Ro and S. She said that if she didn't see them that she would've went through. Again another sister who was playing the blame game. Other than that it was a most intense experience for her. She described green pastures no different to that from 'Lord of the Rings' movies.

Next it was supposed to be my turn but I felt really bad for Ro, the one with the high tolerance level. I told her to take another hit and this time we will all be very quiet. She sat on the bed and a few big hits later and a little laugh, she started to bend her legs out onto the floor stretching her back. After this she moved around a lot speaking very coherently. "Wow, this the pavement. The pave. There's the gate.' And on and on she went trying to describe the scene. Upon return she explained how she was trying to escape, and that we went to one side and were making her a house. I thought by that she meant that we were building her a house? She said "No, you made me into the house and that's why I couldn't escape". So she was the house, interestingly my own experience helped me to understand what happened to her.

I was not determined to take a big dose, with more of the dried leaves and less of the extract I ripped away. I was surprisingly nervous, a bit anxious I think mostly coz of my audience. After a few hits the shift began and I signalled for R to take the pipe, but it turned out I needed one more hit. Took one last big hit then I observed and all around me everything started to shape shift - everything took on a new lease of life. I felt like a big metal pipe was rammed down my throat. A heavy feeling. I kept saying 'I know whats happening', it was all so clear to me. I started to melt all the while coherently describing how I was becoming the carpet - I was still very conscious. A tear welled up in my right eye and I asked if I was crying. The tear treacling down my cheek had an incredibly intense sensation. As the tear dropped to the carpet I felt like the tear did not seperate from me instead it was like a cord being attached to the carpet whilst still hooked in my eyes. My body was melting but at the same time merging with all that was around me. Now I had a few complaints of my own - the sound of my sisters voices and their presence was not helping at all. I didn't want to go deeper than this with them around and because of that I started to resist going any further and slowly started to be more centred and grounded. It probably lasted only a few minutes - did not bother to keep track of time during this first time use with the extract. Interestingly I was the only one who did not move around like a raving lunatic nor did I laugh uncontrollably.

I remember when I started to get normal I was trying to describe my experience a bit more and told them how I was melting into everything and everything was merging with me. Then my sister Ro said 'Yeah, it's like everything becoming one', and then it really hit me, that was exactly what was happening and it is what many people who've had profound spiritual experience would describe as the Oneness experience. I guess I was experiencing a fraction of that Oneness, I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to be One with the Universe.

I will definitely be exploring more with Salvia, but not so much with the extract. If I do use the extract I will only do it with a sitter after S's second time with the extract her hallucinations moved her from the room to the end of the hallway - I got worried and had to guide her back. She said that that experience similar to Ro's, that just like Ro she felt trapped and needed to escape. She also thought I was the window and when I moved to the other side of the room she was following me and thinking 'Why is the window moving?' LOL!

On the S-A-L-V-I-A scale I was on level I (5) and according to my sisters accounts they were also on the same level.

I will be smoking and using quid balls (chewing method) of Salvia Leaf with specific set intentions.

Sisters After Views

Ro's View
Initialy Ro was pretty excited and just waiting for a trip. I also recall her saying to S about their plans for Fridays late night party, that if the Salvia works they will take a dose before they go. For her this whole thing was just for kicks - despite me explaining the spiritual aspect of this herb. After her trip she said she never wants to try this again, at least not anytime soon. It left her depressed, angry and moody. I told her that she was normally like that long before smoking Salvia. I think it's quite possible that Salvia did not induce these emotions instead it simply accentuated the current existing emotions hence why it is recommended that Salvia be taken in the correct state of mind.

R's View
She enjoyed it but thought it was so crazy that this stuff is legal. She wasn't sure about trying it again but only for that night. Her experience was rather intense, although she mostly enjoyed it.

S's View
S really enjoyed her experience, she was getting in the flow but very agitated with Ro and R for ruining her state of mind. She even tried it for a second time and would definitely use this again, however I think for her it is just something fun, to kill the occasional boredom.

My own view is that smoking seems really intense - not the experience itself but the effects on the lungs and my throat and not to mention makes me feel jittery and just not physically right. I will certainly be looking into the chewing method.

Salvia - First Time

Yesterday the salvia, dream herb and glass pipe arrived in the post. I was excited and whole day was itching to try it but no sitter. In the afternoon I decided to smoke some dream herb just to get used to smoking in a pipe - it was very unpleasant, I have smoked cigarettes before but this smoking was harsh - I did not like it one bit. The taste was unbearably strong. So that was the dream herb with very little effect, it was just for practice since it has been a long time since I smoked.

Smoking Salvia Dried Leaves
About 9:30pm I grinded some salvia leaves getting it ready for the pipe all the while thinking that it was a mild version of the 10x extract in the vial. Now my plan despite reading about how mild the use of the dried leaves (non-extract) was to wait until I could get a sitter. However I kept getting it into my head that it would probably not even work. So I got the pipe and just sparked it, suprisingly easier to smoke than the dream herb, the taste was also fine. After took the third hit I was very relaxed and then my hands got the jitters, my mouth started to shake and I thought 'Uh-oh'. I put the pipe in a bowl and as I did it seemed my arm could stretch longer than it's actual length. I nervously closed the open bottom window all the while my hands trembling. I made a mental note of the time and rounded it to 9:40pm. The room started to spin, and I quickly lay on my back. There was this pleasant wave sensation and all sound and motion came to a stop. This was a really calming pleasant state, however I started to feel a little anxious. What if I started to do something crazy and had no awareness of it later? I guess this anxiety came about coz I read a lot on others experiences with this. I opened my eyes and fought with the effects of this amazingly powerful herb.

It took a few minutes to fully regain normal waking consciousness. I was amazed at the effects of the dried leaves that I started to rethink whether I should take the 10x even with a sitter.

Second Time Smoking Salvia Dried Leaves
Around 10pm when my sister got home, she tried some dried leaves and I loaded one bowl of the herb. She took about 9 hits and amazingly this herb was doing nothing for her. I gathered that she had a high tolerance for this stuff and she also told me how she smoked weed once and it did nothing for her. She is a smoker, not a heavy highly addicted smoker but she has been smoking for several years now. I have to wonder though what tobbaco does for her since she has such a high tolerance.

After her it was my turn and again the room started to spin, this time intense waves forming and pulsing under my feet and then swirling all the way up and around me. I was laughing in control of my laughter and I was laughing coz I felt great. The sounds around me were fading into the background until my sister opened her mouth. She was being unbelievably annoying - the worst sitter ever. I lay on my back to relax while she keeps asking 'Is it working? Are you faking the laugh? I just wanted her to shut up.

After I centered myself I could tell my sister was upset that it wasn't working for her even though I explained how I gave her a mild version of the leaf. To cheer her up I loaded a mixture of the leaf and some 10x extract. After a few hits this time she was feeling the effect, she was still in control but felt the change and started to chill to the music playing in the background and this lasted only a few minutes - I think it was more like a buzz for her.

About 30 minutes later 2 of my other sisters joined in and prepared for a big hit, not that they actually knew what they were preparing themselves for. I'll describe the events that took place in the next post.

Herb Thought Placebo and A lot of Dreams

Last night did some reading on peoples experience with salvia divinorum and then went to bed. I closed my eyes falling asleep. Suddenly I was alarmed by the intensity of external noise. These were sounds of people walking which sounded like loud banging sounds, voices incredibly loud (voices of people at home and the neighbours).

I was actually annoyed it was late night and I kept wondering don't these people ever think about just going to sleep. Again I attempted to fall back to sleep only to be awakened by the intensity of the external sounds. This went on several times until I managed to fall asleep awakened at 3am to the sounds of animals going crazy in some distant garden. Each time I was alarmed I thought about how it is possible that thinking about those magic herbs is having some kind of effect.

Went back to sleep and had a series of dreams, so long and vivid I will relay the ones most memorable:

Lonely Man
In this dream there is a man, at first I think he's elderly but closer observation reveals this man is sick. There is some major hair loss which suggests cancer, also he looks very frail. First I see him with his wife who appears very young, she seems to be giving him a hard time. Then his son appears with a document for his father to sign. The father seems he no longer cares, he's faced every possible hardship in the world I don't think he bothers to read the document. However I get to read it and it has something to do with a mortgage and I quickly deduce (how I don't know) that his son and possibly his wife have already sorted out his death certificate. They are fraudently speeding up the process of attaining this mans property.

Creepy Arousal
I'm in the garden can't remember what I was doing, but I think I was walking around naked. As I walk to the door I get a glimpse of a man peering through a gap in the fence from my neighbours garden. Somehow this man I don't recognize gets closer to me, then I am lying down on a bed sexually aroused. I realize that this man is slightly overweight, he also looks a bit creepy and not exactly attractive however I seem to be lit on fire. I wake in and out of this dream all the while with the feeling of arousal.

Planting Properly
I'm taking out some plants from the nursery and being guided by some unknown person to plant them near a sofa suite set up in a box format. I plant near one side of sofa then realize that when people sit on this sofa they will squash my plants with their feet. Then I try to find a solution which is obviously not to plant where I was told to.

I had another dream about being in a sort of ship, perhaps this dream was the most vivid however it is the one dream that I'm finding difficult to recall. There were quite a lot of other dreams as well but it is hard to recall that much detail.

Herbs for Divination

As I've mentioned in previous post I'm thinking about taking mind altering herbs. Something that will help in assisting state of consciousness, even more so I just really feel guided to explore this area since it is something I've never thought about delving into simply because of legislation factors which are just completely absurd. I've never really had the desire nor the impulse to ever try this stuff because of the stigma associated with it - I think perhaps there was also some fear.

The herbs that I can explore with at the moment are salvia divinorum and a mexican dream herb to assist in divinations - another area which I'm exploring and becoming more accustomed to.

Psychedelic Fireworks, Elevators and Escalators

I had several dreams this morning.

Psychedelic Fireworks
In the dream there is an ignited fireworks device in my cousins hand. The sparks and sounds get stronger suggesting launch at any second. I'm freaking out. There's an open window and I can't recall if it was me or him who was aiming the firework out through the window. Fortunately it went out higher up towards the sky, although the sparks fell down on people it caused no harm in fact it looked magical and the people around just stared in amazement.
I know I had this dream because lately I have been considering smoking weed and exploring psychedelics and the cousin in reality is a hardcore drug addict, I guess the cousin is like an output manifestation of my current thoughts, I'm still not sure what it means.

I've been boggling my mind trying to understand why certain psychedelics have been made illegal when alcohol and tobacco are even more harmful. In fact a lot of my research into this shows that these psychedelics can be beneficial - especially for spirituality.

I've done a little research on Salvia Divinorum - it's legal so right now this seems to be my best choice. My reason for exploring this area is spiritual.

Elevators and Escalators
In this dream I am with my nan taking her to the hospital. We go inside an elevator, the doors almost closing and nan has lagged behind. I put my arms out quick to stop the door from closing, get in and my nan follows. Suddenly I realized we got on the wrong elevator and I have forgotten what floor we needed to get to. I walk around and it seems like I am just exploring this hospital. Suddenly I've lost nan and try to remember where I left her. I try to go in through one of the doors I recall going through before. Once nearing the door I get this message that you go in there if you don't want to survive and are willing to get hurt. I get away from there as fast as possible. There is another glass door and I can see through it are really long escalators, one going up the other down. I get on it and going up it is like I am zooming, incredibly fast you'd think it was a rollercoaster. At some stage when I blink I see my red pillow with sunflowers and other floral designs and I cannot move. I am at SP but I don't think that I am at the time - I simply think that I'm still in the dream and somehow strangely my pillow is in front of my face.

Psychedelic Fireworks, Elevators and Escalators

I had several dreams this morning.

Psychedelic Fireworks
In the dream there is an ignited fireworks device in my cousins hand. The sparks and sounds get stronger suggesting launch at any second. I'm freaking out. There's an open window and I can't recall if it was me or him who was aiming the firework out through the window. Fortunately it went out higher up towards the sky, although the sparks fell down on people it caused no harm in fact it looked magical and the people around just stared in amazement.
I know I had this dream because lately I have been considering smoking weed and exploring psychedelics and the cousin in reality is a hardcore drug addict, I guess the cousin is like an output manifestation of my current thoughts, I'm still not sure what it means.

I've been boggling my mind trying to understand why certain psychedelics have been made illegal when alcohol and tobacco are even more harmful. In fact a lot of my research into this shows that these psychedelics can be beneficial - especially for spirituality.

I've done a little research on Salvia Divinorum - it's legal so right now this seems to be my best choice. My reason for exploring this area is spiritual.

Elevators and Escalators
In this dream I am with my nan taking her to the hospital. We go inside an elevator, the doors almost closing and nan has lagged behind. I put my arms out quick to stop the door from closing, get in and my nan follows. Suddenly I realized we got on the wrong elevator and I have forgotten what floor we needed to get to. I walk around and it seems like I am just exploring this hospital. Suddenly I've lost nan and try to remember where I left her. I try to go in through one of the doors I recall going through before. Once nearing the door I get this message that you go in there if you don't want to survive and are willing to get hurt. I get away from there as fast as possible. There is another glass door and I can see through it are really long escalators, one going up the other down. I get on it and going up it is like I am zooming, incredibly fast you'd think it was a rollercoaster. At some stage when I blink I see my red pillow with sunflowers and other floral designs and I cannot move. I am at SP but I don't think that I am at the time - I simply think that I'm still in the dream and somehow strangely my pillow is in front of my face.