Thursday, 25 August 2011

Salvia in a Sheesha

Sister and mum testing out their sheeshas (aka hookah) last night. Never tried this out before and thought it was at least much more better than smoking cigarettes - pleasant to smell and the flavours were quite yummy.

Late in the night with my niece as my sitter smoked salvia. In the kitchen sat down on chair with niece on opposite side just staring at me waiting curiously to see if I lose my mind. I don't know why but I felt so strongly that it was not going to work which is why I didn't bother doing it in private still I told my niece to just keep an eye on me so I don't do anything crazy.

First pull was surprisingly gentle and smooth. It still tasted like Salvia but was not so bad. Did not hurt my throat like the smoking pipe I used before. Second pull everything changed around me - I can feel everyone present all around me and I mumble 'uh-oh' because it is occurring almost instantly. Body is fluttering - there is a sore spot on my back (maybe an insect bite) which occurred in the morning and I feel one of them pulling on it as if they placed it there. I did not expect it to be this deep, didn't use extract just plain leaf. They're forming so vividly with the play of light and shadow. I am looking not at them but at very vivid glimpses of them and asking my niece if she can see them - she can't but I know that some part of her can see this other place. I could tell she is thinking that I might be feeling like I'm in another world - but it's the same world only difference is every inch of it has come alive.

I could feel it - I'm about to completely dissolve in this other state. Tell niece that I need to go to bed - tell her to just sort the sheesha out but realize she'll end up burning the house down if I leave her to it. There is no way I can close my eyes unless body is perfectly still - closing eyes does something and has consequences for physical body. She has to get out of the kitchen - can't recall why. Just sat there eyes open totally aware in that other state and know that this will happen - a time when two states will blend as one. Kept forcing myself out of it this was definitely the wrong time, the setting was not appropriate. Niece re-enters kitchen and I tell her the basics of what occurred as I do I don't tell her I'm still in that other state and that those other beings are still there.

Upstairs I try again but niece wants to stick around yet I really do not like having a sitter. I take another two pulls and feel the effects immediately. Lay down, close eyes and that inner unravelling occurs, feel niece's energy pattern. I am going deep forgetting external surrounding but know that niece is watching. Inside, outside feels like it has come to a standstill - it no longer exists yet I know niece is there so open eyes to check with her simply watching me.

Salvia smoked in a sheesha rather than using tobacco pipes is so much better although I still wouldn't make a habit of it. The water has obviously made a huge difference. I'm amazed that my face wasn't dripping in tears. Somehow, strangely I feel last night was set up as though the days events were designed to make me take some Salvia using this method.

I don't think I have enough data to make comparisons between chewing and smoking salvia and especially since last night niece was a distraction but using a sheesha has made a huge difference, the scales are tipping a little in favour of smoking. The other important factor is I used a very small amount of Salvia, a lot less than I needed for chewing. I may try it again using a sheesha but without a sitter.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Self-enquiry Lucid Dream

The lucid dream I had this morning was incredible as I had an amazing ability to stay lucid for longer than usual and control certain parts of the dream.

The dream starts off in a house, and there is a part where I almost give in to sexual urges but manage to control myself remembering it is a lucid dream.

I walk downstairs aware of each step. In front of a mirror the reflection is so clear, I imagine to be wearing a coat as I want to go out, I think about it some more, thinking of the colour grey. The coat appears instantly. I fold arms almost wrapping the body getting cosy. Here, I am so amazed that it has not yet ended.

Outside approach a building feeling like I have to be there. In a room there is a woman sitting facing me but giving some kind of lecture with others around. I don't like being there, move away and end up returning outside. Here I am lucid in a dream and need to think fast before it ends - what to do? Decide that I would like to ride a bicycle on the road since I want to do so in physical might as well try to overcome the fear of it in the dream. I can cycle it's just on the road I panic.

A bicycle appears in an antiques market stall - it is made almost entirely of wood. Take my purse out giving money to someone due to perhaps temporary loss of lucidity. I remind myself that its a dream and pull out more notes for the seller. Grab the bicycle with a firm grip and get cycling. I'm cycling - my legs are moving and it appears that there is motion and I can see that I am moving at a distance only I know that really I am not moving - there is no road, no distance and soon enough the bike feels unreal as well as my pedalling efforts. I awaken asking 'who am I?'


Have been reading a lot of material on Ramana Maharishi - though I had read about the method of self-enquiry I never quite understood it - it all seemed so trivial to me. However, I focused on simply observing any thoughts that came but this did not last long. Only recently I have been so drawn to his teachings that when I read thoroughly how to go about self-enquiry I couldn't believe how something that is now so simple was once so trivial. The method could be summed up in one sentence. Follow the 'I' thought back to its source simply by asking 'who am I?' each time a thought arises. According to Maharishi the 'I' thought is the root of all thoughts - past few days from personal observation on thoughts I have found that the 'I' is indeed the root of all thoughts.

Past few days enquiring has been so easy that the question has started to arise naturally with the majority of thoughts that pop up so much that I wake up from sleep questioning 'who am I?'

Another thing that has occured is that dreams have become more vivid yet they are completely irrelevant to the quest for Self. Last night as I fell asleep something appeared pierced in the field of vision - a black hole and I was able to see a familiar face, carried on with self-enquiry focusing on the feeling of 'I'. Entered a normal dream state and from there became steadily lucid and asking the questions in the intervals.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Mugwort Refreshing Sleep

Drank mugwort tea last night before bed. Previously this tea made me so groggy in the morning and then when I stopped the grogginess eventually wore off - still there may be other unrelated factors. Needing more sleep.

This morning I woke up feeling refreshed but still wanting to get a bit more sleep - recall having several vivid dreams but was hoping for AP and put intention through last night for this. Did not wake up at all during sleep until this morning so no conscious AP.

Friday, 12 August 2011

Bulgaria Greetings

Yesterday I had no intention to use Salvia but the pain in my stomach was so unusual - so terribly painfully sharp and deliberate. Strong feeling they were doing something, not sure if intentions were to harm but had to find out so I got some Salvia ready at the same time the whole day my mind was occupied with thoughts of starting a new simple life in Bulgaria and during blending with salvia this was also on my mind.

There was a being like everything that I percieved in physical connected to make this being and it was fully aware of my presence at the same time a lot of other activity taking place. Mouth keeps opening on auto. I feel a cool air coming closer touching skin, beings made of natural elements - something about the mouth opening. I am being rushed through or something is moving towards me and the being I was aware of is now communicating with another being. They felt like relatives - the other being felt to be a part of Bulgaria - what we think of as a country was actually an entity, a living being. The being is informing Bulgaria about my intentions to move there. There is some kind of acceptance emmitting from Bulgaria and maybe even a trace of excitement.

Lots of beings coming through - doing something moving body parts - something going on near ears and intense pulling near head region. Do that mind stretching thing where through my mind stretch them away from me - a clearing. There's something at top of head and I stretch it away - feels like it is exposed, open. I feel out of control with the whole stretching thing.

Got interrupted twice - once in the initial process of chewing and then later after it ended. I feel the people interrupting were drawn to me through their force. Was incredibly agitated by this interference and vented anger. Something about this interruption and the physical others around me.

The other day had a session where I moved towards the energy patterns of the rioters without directing this movement, felt vulnerable that somehow they'll be attracted to my neighbourhood. At the same time their energy pattern was a second model of what takes place in the physical. Trying to understand - does the physical activity come first and then this non-physical activity copies it (meaning re-enactment) or is it the other way around?

Strangely when taking Salvia with particular intentions and goals in mind these things lose importance - meaning I feel so content with the knowledge of what reality is that outwardly I don't desire anything and all intentions and goals are based on desire. For eg. with the Bulgaria experience even though it was related to my intention at the same time I'm seeing what reality is and because of this I am no longer attached - but coming back to physical it takes a day or so for unimportance to wear off and I am back to desiring, back to my set goals.

In another experience I was becoming aware of 'I' as the thinker and then there was another beside this 'I' - this other attached to me but for a moment 'I' was it and there was this partial self-realization.

Have been taking lower dosage of Salvia during these sessions.

Friday, 5 August 2011

The Ear Stampede - Neighbours Death Continued

Salvia session early this morning.

Inside I could see them, the others that make up parts of this physical shell. Again that outside world being inside - hard to describe, this one still wracks my brain.

As soon as they become aware that I'm aware an entire population stampedes in my right ear - there are sounds.

I think it is possible they are trying to talk to me using sounds rather than non-verbal communication.

Something is also taking place in the brain, something snapping and very uncomfortable making me want to snap out and stay completely physically focused.

When the session ended I was craving sugar - then there was a knock on the door. Neighbours wife and daughter breaking the news about their dearly departed. Told them I found out the other day. We're talking about how shocking the news was and the incredibly unusual circumstances in which his death occured - throughout the whole conversation I wanted to just laugh and tell them it's just a joke, a really funny one. It is so hard to contain that laughter, keeping it inside I had to make myself feel sad in order to not break down. Trying to feel and show them compassion but it felt so fake.

Thursday, 4 August 2011

The Layers of a Tree - The Funny Side of Death

Instead of writing every detail of each Salvia session I will instead make posts about anything new I have learnt, anything signigicant.

Before I chewed I was upset, hurt over something very small. I stated that I just wish I was dead and how I would prefer to simply not exist.

The Layers of a Tree
Whilst chewing stared out the window at the trees and I saw the fakeness of it all. The world takes this appearance of a toy, it's all so pretend. The others that make up all the parts are constructed to make things appear to be something - like a tree. There were layers of branches and each layer had a set of individuals who are now aware that I am aware of them. They are even moving left and right to give the appearance, the feel that it's the wind moving. The body felt so unreal, so rubbery, toy like.

The Funny Side of Death
Death has been on my mind since that dream I had about my dad, and just yesterday found out my neighbour passed away. He moved with his wife only a week ago which happened so suddenly didn't even get a goodbye from them which was shocking but then to find out he passed away was just unbelievable. How can someone who after so much hard work and grief want to start life fresh and really enjoy it suddenly drop dead the moment they take the step to make it happen. At some point in the Salvia trip this whole death thing was on my mind. I started to feel or understand that when we die this is what happens : we don't die we wake up knowing it was all a dream, a joke even, that none of it was ever real and I was going through the sequence of that process. I started laughing inside and I thought about murderers and their victims and how once their dead they have this same awareness of it being a game, an act. I was laughing but it was funny there and then I remembered what life is like here and I kept stating that it's not funny here - murder is not funny here, it's not a joke despite it not being real life is not meant to be filled with these horrid incidents. Still I couldn't help laughing about death, it is the funniest joke I've ever heard.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Kins Domain in Bulgaria

Today after a long time I did another search on land in UK and again frustrated about all the red tape and how land prices are hiking I looked at the alternative - spain is also quite expensive now and I would have to look into the legal side which so far is also complicated.

I just want a piece of land work on - so passionately that I'm learning every skill I may need to have when I'm there which includes growing and knowing my wild edibles. Somehow ended up on a site about living in Bulgaria - the main thing that caught my attention was the price. It's dirt cheap and also there's not so much red tape around building a home, the climate is perfect and I like the fact that it is not an overdeveloped country. I felt the idea just growing and started talking about it to my eldest sister - will need to research more. In my excitement the Salvia package arrived and I got started with the intention to keep the thought of moving to Bulgaria in my mind.

The others were there some I remember from before - recognized a group who were attached with me somehow and recalled how I was suppose to give them a tour of this physical life, they were my guests and I was supposed to entertain them - felt odd that I forgot this so easily.

Everything was living and my dream to move to Bulgaria did not matter, whether I was in Japan or Russia did not matter - I felt like I arrived at my destination - this was the reality behind the physical reality, the basis the foundation of existence and it was from this that the outside projection was visible, from this the 5 senses were born and everything else that we know within PR. This was a new sight - a new pair of eyes and I knew at that moment who I am. I felt so deeply that this was natural - looked at my hand and I knew what had happened and how it can happen again without use of Salvia- Salvia was temporarily streaming in the blood of this body, waking up every little being within. I understood why I have been so obsessed with physical health - if we can heal the physical body completely cleansing it of suffering/pollutants and mentally completely cleanse it of emotional baggage the body becomes the perfect vehicle for that consciousness.

I knew that it wasn't the land that was so important, I don't need the land I just felt deeply that having and working a piece of land would be helpful to the process - deep down I know it is the physical body but for me now the physical body is synonymous to the Earth - they are literally identical and now living in the city feels like I'm living with cancer. But when I'm there - even in the presence of those others who are not always nice to me I feel at one with everything - no need to go anywhere or do anything. But then I come back, and what this reality really is is hiding again, or maybe I just lose my sight, the true sight. Again there was that knowing of the world inside the physical apparatus and I could feel structure of lower spine area moving and stretching - something going on in intestines.

If indeed the world isn't real then why do we suffer so, why do we face so many problems? Why is there pain? Why does this world appear to be so real? Is it really that we live in ignorance? We have lost sight of what is real so much that the pain and suffering that everyone lives with at least at some point in their lives is a device in order to lead us to the Truth? I still ask these questions, still trying to figure it out just in case I am wrong almost as though no answer is satisfying.

But suppose that was it, that suffering was merely a device to lead us on the correct path how do we break the chains of ignorance and wake up from that? We simply stop doing the things that create the suffering and suffering has multiple causes in the physical but only one source.

How do I or anyone else after seeing what this reality really is live? What is the purpose of that persons life? Personally I feel that I am supposed to help others see what I've seen with Salvia and at the same time I have to be able to see without the assistance of Salvia and I know that there is a connection between physical well-being and having a constant opening. The state of the physical body is essential to this because it is vulnerable to that other energy and its function is dependent on how well it already operates. This is why the Kundalini energy first seeks to correct the physical apparatus - a lot of the K symptoms are associated with certain disorders that it seems people without K amplification are going through a slow procedure.

I've always felt that the K symptoms that I personally experienced had some importance and that there are ways that we can assist to help heal the body or at least to correct it.

I am also aware that all this work operates in time - and over there where time has no existence everything unfolds in a flash any disorder is corrected instantly so much that you see what pain is. Just recently I bit left part of cheek - infact there is some other stuff going on specifically in left part of body. The bite formed an ulcer - under Salvia the pain from the ulcer diminished - detached as if deliberately held there by the others to give me the feeling of pain. We're playing pretend, this is a play and I don't know who is directing it.

Still someone in the middle of my forehead moving some other part like another body encapsulating this physical shell. The heart was beating to a different rhythm, rapid and yet in slow motion.

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Spinal Surgery

Drank an infusion of mugwort last night - forgot to chop up leaves - this time used less water, leaves and flower heads. Color was pale and flavour mild compared to previous night.

Went to bed late after midnight and fell asleep immediately. Had a lot of very vivid dreams but recall is not so great except for the last dream I had which blended into physical reality.

In this dream I am sitting on a chair with my back exposed. There are rows of other people sitting on chairs with their back exposed. The female doctor I met recently in PR is in front of me. There's a nurse behind me rubbing something on back of neck - getting prepped for surgery - something to do with the spine.

Suddenly a large bug that has the appearance of a bee but with big glowing red bulby eyes flies around and lands on table that is very near to my face. Nurse has probably been frightened away. The doctor flinches and gives me the impression that she is thinking that someone is spying on her. I remain calm and still.

Suddenly there is a pulsing at the base of the spine and that familiar feeling of pumping up the rectum. I tell the doctor that something is happening down there but she seems confused. The sensation is too strong, so strong I wake up still feeling the sensation. Turning over it calms down. Went back to sleep and woke up at 8am - usually I'm up before this time. So sleepy in the morning - not sure if it is the mugwort or the weather.

Monday, 1 August 2011

Mugwort Dream Recall

Had a cup of mugwort tea last night before bed. Dreams were vivid but no lucidity. Violent dream where a relative was trying to attack me and in self defense I'm slashing about going a bit wild.

In another vivid dream I'm at the bus stop. I get on a bus, use card but does not work but driver lets me through. Seated I can feel eyes on me so I turn around look at the other passengers, all silent. They look like foreigners and I'm starting to wonder if I accidently got on a tourist bus. Strangely it is dark inside and there are lights on - all the windows are sealed with metal sheets blocking external view. I get a little confused but no lucidity. There were more dreams but recall hazy or maybe too much dreaming.

I think I need to brew the tea by chopping leaves to help with infusion but despite soaking leaves and flower heads whole the tea is a vibrant green. The taste is incredibly soothing and pleasant. Physically I have been feeling a little groggy just feel like sleeping on the spot - I don't know if this is the tea or other factors. There have also been some muscle aches and this morning a pressure pain in left jaw.

I have enough mugwort for 5 days so will be drinking this next 5 days and then I plan to change tea over to nettles another highly nutritious tea from a plant that grows in the wild.