Saturday, 24 December 2011

A Face In The Universe

Woke 5 or 6 am - doing UT again.

Too much energy - tried relaxing. By 8am doze off - no recall of transitional phase.

Zoomed out somewhere beyond space feels like I am veiwing the universe - changing faces made of stars and then atmosphere and various colors - something being told - revealed yet to recall.

When I first saw a face formed by lines connected or emanating from a collection of stars I instinctively looked away - too intense. Then looking back the colored spaces for one large face.

Other things took place - FAs and scenes I cannot recall since I'm writing this too late - all events are quickly fading. I awoke around 10am - rarely sleep till this time.

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

The DreamWeaver

This morning at 5am I was as usual having difficulty falling back to sleep - mind rampant with thoughts. Eventually relaxed which entails resting on my front side but still took effort getting comfortable. I could just get up and forget attempting to sleep next time but as the weather is so cold now I get a little lazy in the morning.

Maybe a few minutes or so after I relaxed entered the projection transitional state - there was residue of ear ringing sensations in right ear. This has not occurred in a long time and now that the sensation is back I was concerned because this is the same side where the lump developed.

Brain buzzing as the lucidity of my new or converted environment enhanced. Before I emerged into the new scenes fully there were voices and it seemed these were actual events - some that have happened and some that may happen. Some future 'I' was speaking to a woman regarding a bill - the scene which I didn't see with my eyes but rather felt it occurring was me on the telephone listening to a woman who seems familiar telling me something about £90,000. Don't worry about it too much, hasn't happened yet. Then I hear my niece speaking to my sister - she's staying over for the holidays - I felt I was listening to a conversation they had the previous night but no actual details to verify since everything was moving with speed. This initial stage was choppy, there were so many sounds and other voices.

There were patterns, strange looking objects in the sky - the lens were constantly changing. Again that curiosity - open eyes to check on physical environment. Brain starts to buzz more, eyes in a kind of locked position feeling like again I'm having to pry it open. I get this sense that in this state if I don't keep my eyes closed away from physical environment I have the potential to cause some physical damage. The physical environment objects were bulgy or it appeared so. Close eyes - go through the motions of the other environments playing out. Some moments there was this undeniable knowing that I was the one who was changing the environment - the patterns and visible objects were my own doing. Some part of me was creating each and every aspect of this other reality - the knowing wasn't static - some moments I grasp and know fully and then suddenly I am in awe at changing environment losing myself within it forgetting that I am the mastermind behind it.

Head starts to buzz as I move away from foreign scenes and enter several false awakenings. There is external physical distraction as I am in the last FA where I can't move my limbs. This slowly brings me back to physical reality but head and brain hurts so much. I force my eyes open in a state of grogginess - I simply want to fall asleep but have to get up. Even as I write this energy levels feel so depleted - this mornings event has caused major fatigue which I hope a quick nap might fix.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Salvia End of Fast - Detachment

Prior to this event I was not having a great day - nurse getting on my nerves, pressuring me to carry on with toxic treatment as I rejected it and decided to take matters into my own hands. It seemed this incident was necessary to learn to say no and not let others try to control me - a kind of releasing. I almost broke down around my family members today which is not something I do often - but the nurse really triggered something and it was all coming out. I know these health professionals mean well and are only trying to help but they are so scarily persistent.

My fasting past 3 days hasn't been a 100% - sometimes tasting small amounts of food.

In the evening maybe around 7am - perfect setting, quiet without distractions as though all planned out.

Chew 2 quids, not that many leaves - fasting for longer periods would perhaps require less. As I chew the transition builds up more smoothly - everything about this experience was smooth. It started with my disturbing thoughts about the illness I have -

"Death is quicker and easier - I don't want to be lame. What is the joy in living if you don't have an arm or a leg?" It was a rhetorical question but I received the answer and the thoughts were from the same place where I thought up the question. "Why are you so worried about being lame. Joy isn't in your legs or your arms - joy is JOY!"

Tears swell up - I try to stop from cheeks getting wet but can't help it. Though the fact of the thought was so beautiful it brought me to tears I tell the others that it was beautiful because I thought it.

Laying down watching the others hovering above a tear drops down - and that tear was some kind of beautiful essence, something about it was so delicate - it required certain unique combination of feelings to bring it forth - I was in so much awe of this drop of tear as though it contained some special energy.

I relax and enter that other state inwardly with the inner visuals, this time mind calm and no focus on breathing. I see them much clearer now. Had a yogurt earlier with honey and within the body I see the energy that I had consumed - a group of living entities. We're entering a live stream and in this stream I am aware of several facts - the TB I got is an energy group - everything is energy.

So totally calm and in a quiet state - I face the others in a kind of circle. Some kind of meeting going on - something pulling. I realize I am something else getting so close to primary source - and I am that Self knowing truly that the physical is but a dream.

I recall at some point when my eyes were open the shadow around light fixing was fluttering and moving about - I thought about how I have to be around someone and show them this other state but I have to be in that state for them to enter. I have tried it - with niece and sisters it didn't work and yet I know it can work.

All other knowings coming at such a speed there is a desire - the desire to share with others starting with family members but there is also the thought that I will end up institutionalized.

I realize they are pulling the life out of my physical shell and I am quick to protest I don't want the physical shell to come to an end. Everyone is suddenly aware of me and it appears they are taken aback. I open eyes - communication is so difficult - how do I speak to them clearly when I'm still so blended with physical shell and its identity. A darkened kind of energy comes forth and I know this to be that uncontrollable sexual energy - I certainly don't want to play with them but naturally they back away. Eyes open looking above I clasp my hands together and slowly pulling one hand away from the other very slowly demonstrating that they can help pull that Self /Soul away from the body like that. But how do I tell them to make sure they do not end the physical shell. Made a mental note that when I am more physically focused I will do a drawing of what I am suggesting perhaps with a cord as a symbol of that other part (soul, self whatever one would want to call it) even though thinking of it was enough.

The others nodded their heads and reached down as if they understood, more pulling going on within and for a while all kinds of physical sensations were present. All the while through though felt I wasn't ready to go further. I was suddenly agitated and I think I was worried that maybe they misunderstood and were trying to end the physical existence rather than creating some kind of balance where it was possible to go from one existence to the other. I didn't mind dying didn't seem like a big deal and started creating plans to leave some kind of will behind and spend more time with loved ones. After a while I just kept fidgeting. Sleep interrupted throughout the night - I was hardly asleep - a constant nagging restlessness.

Thursday, 8 December 2011

In Between 2 States

I slept last night feeling devotional which comes with a package of emotions that are uplifting. Sleep was interrupted twice - once at 2am and the other at 4am. It was during the latter I was so fidgety and could not sleep nor did I want to bother getting up - I think now I may have been a little dehydrated and should've drank some water.

I think around 7am I relaxed, focused on the breathing and forehead area. I was expecting something similar to what I experienced in 'The Wise'. It is really the most lucid and solid visual I've had of the others and I felt this way I could communicate more directly.

Instead I ended up at my secondary school. I recently had an opportunity to revisit this school in reality. In this vision I entered the buildings, going from classroom to classroom wondering if I am really there or it was all just in my mind to begin with. I knew as I moved about and explored that my body was in bed and I got curious. Opened eyes and moved a little - a huge mistake. I felt something pried into the brain and movement caused an incredible amount of pain. Knowing I have to remain absolutely still I closed eyes and once again entered the school visual - some brain activity - a surgical procedure being carried out in the brain and I felt that in last nights salvia session.

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Salvia Fasting Incident

Fasted for the whole day - well almost - did taste a little bit of food but decided against giving into that craving. I also decided against using Salvia for today simply because the emotional repercussions were not at all pleasant but it seems that I don't get to decide. In the evening my mind changed due to the house being quiet and I just felt compelled.

Used a very small amount - two small quids. Eventually the chewing felt awkward. Entire mouth area numbed, losing feeling and so gradually my mouth felt too stiff to carry on.

I relaxed closing my eyes, I'm as quiet as I can be - no giving into breathing or awareness of it as this creates havoc (entity attraction - some can be unpleasant).

At first a lot of small incidents occur - travelling with the others. I recall one incident involved getting inside several dogs that I feel lived nearby in my neighbourhood. The thing with dogs is that they are charged with a lot of sexual energy. I felt upset even insulted and miss those earlier Salvia sessions in which friends had taken me to cool incredible adventuruous areas I wonder why these have stopped. I remain calm try not to give in or react.

Soon there were a multitude of beings that represented certain energies - each housed within the body, it was like the body is a projected small structure of the entire world - perhaps even the universe. Many elders present - somewhere in between I give into breathing and attract attention. The elders come through each observing me carefully. There is definitely something going on in the left side of the body. Movement strong from leg travelling movement to left part of neck to the head. Though through this awareness I realize to a greater degree I am not the body I feel uncomfortable and sense a lump near left neck - I keep thinking it is perhaps a thryoid problem since something there definitely feels large. My left toe nails have been growing quicker than right toe nails whcih I've noticed for about a month now and feel somehow this is related to the changes in the left side of the body. So out of habit move left arm which caused an incredible amount of pain. Take a quick feel and place arm back in position.

Things starting to make so much sense, in particular the experience in 'Kundalini Illusions' and some other various past experiences. I open eyes hazy visuals of them blended in physical environment. Close eyes but visuals are diminishing slowly. I see them rushing to the third eye area, feeling a crowd of them pulling this area. It feels like they are working hard trying to keep the visuals open and permanent. I feel movement in the cords that connect the eyes to the brain and momentarily fear that they might end up causing blindness.

Eventually I open eyes again and let it all subside but the sensations and movements within body are ongoing and intense. I'm glad I fasted and I think I might end the fast on friday.

Monday, 5 December 2011

Salvia Fasting

03/12/2011 - Evening take Salvia, this time leaves in quid form, no crumbles. So much easier and more comfortable chewing whole leaves rather than crumbles. Not so bitter.

15 minutes later relaxed, eyes closed and become aware of the others inside the body and around physical environment. I haven't taken Salvia for quite some time or at least not as much as usual. The day before I intended to take Salvia I was feeling incredibly sexual. Somehow 'others' inducing the sexual arousal. As I go deeper everyone within me and all the energies external in a sexual communion. I wonder if this is some kind of test to see if I can endure the temptations. I remain still trying to show them that they have no effect on me whatsoever but the body reveals otherwise. I am conflicted - at the same time that I want to embrace everything I am trying to restrain myself. There is nothing wrong with feeling sexual - only when there is too much of it it needs to be maintained responsibly so that it is not wasted on physical sensations.

Today -
Felt guided to fast before this session so yesterday I fasted (drinking only water and herbal teas) - kept myself busy by running chores. This morning I chewed the leaves - about 2 quids. Relaxed - body entities detaching. I remain as still as I possibly can but at some point move left arm, female entities laugh as I feel the pain of my action. Somehow feel that they are laughing because I act as if I am the body. Rest arm - knowing that they are trying to do something. Continue to relax, fortunately no sexual arousal this time. Things changing - awareness of inner workings, of the mind. Feel myself controlling everything - that I am doing it all but not aware that I am doing it. Almost as if I am the one who placed the blindfold over my eyes and acting as if another had done it. In the mind I can see how whatever I'm imagining is appearing before me - and I can unimagine it all. Relax some more - have to remain still. The others marching around, changing something but there is distraction. Already I'm so depressed by what has been revealed still holding onto external reality. Want to end the fast - I want to eat and this desire is simply a result of the conjured emotions from within. I can't let them continue and start communicating with them. Movement near forehead, they're piercing top of head - a little worried I thought they were pulling my hair out but sensations were inside the head.

Lately something has been happening to the left side of neck - I get this feeling that certain conditions may appear. After lump on right side of neck, diagnosed as TB, I'm not sure how much more I can handle even though they have caused no physical pain the emotional stuff is not something I can continue with. I know the key is fasting, I can feel that the reason they are moving more smoothly within me in this session is because I had fasted for one day which was so tough but what a difference one day can make. The whole point of fasting is to create a clearing within the physical organism. I knew as I was in that state, a person who after fasting for some time can call out to the Source of life and something extraordinary would take place, but the call has to be genuine.

I broke out of that state by opening eyes and despite that movements internal ongoing. I have stated to the others that my intentions are to fast and I'm starting by Wednesday and next Salvia session will commence on Friday. Haven't decided when I will end the fast possibly in the weekend. I cannot simply fast during these days and keep myself busy with action in order to hide from hunger - the fast must be accompanied by prayer, meditation, pranayama, and relaxation - no physical exertion.

I try not to doubt that I can do this, fasting is very difficult - requires a lot of willpower to not give into hunger. I have changed the way I eat so maybe it won't be so difficult - my diet is simple - lots of sprouts most of which have become bland in flavour over time. I eat small portions of fruit (dried and fresh) and vegetables - in that Salvia induced state I got a massive craving for dried fruits.

Friday, 2 December 2011

The Trees Are Breathing

Staring out window at the waxing crescent moon - the clouds around it clearly forming. I just suddenly felt like looking out the window to stare at the night sky for a while. Glanced at the tree beneath it across the garden, briefly staring there was a feeling that the brain was operating different to usual in this quiet serene state. The numerous branches pulsing and waving in and out - the entire tree seemed to be breathing. Then when I observed the many faces formed by the branches and whatever leaves remained the heads would look to be bopping.

Like changing lenses - one lens showed the entire tree as a living breathing being and another lens revealed the many countless faces of other beings - it seems like an infinite number of beings can and do exist within this one tree. That entire tree as it pulsed in that energetic wave took my breath away. Interestingly I was able to remove focus from this kind of viewing and deliberately return to it merely by being still and quiet within.

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Venting Anger at Teacher and then Laughing

After the AP I fall asleep dreaming about hanging out with my youngest sister. We're both attending a class.

A group of us have been flying and as I land I trip over bumping into my sister making her bump into the teacher.

The teacher is incredibly agitated and has formed an idea in her mind that I am deliberately trying to harm her. I defend myself by explaining the situation but she doesn't want to listen. At some point out of anger I call her a stupid f***ing b****. We are all seated in a circle. There's an old fashioned telephone on the table, she is calling someone and in my mind I knew without a doubt that she's trying to call my parents because at that moment I got a flashing image of the phone ringing at home every time she redialled.

I had enough, stood up telling everyone that I'm leaving. Just before I leave I ask the students sitting next to her if they recall the tripping incident and each of them verified that indeed it was an accident. Again I'm so angry and now it's directed at these students who could not bother to defend me earlier on - I guess I storm out after this. Wow - my dreams have not been very pleasant lately but I feel they are definitely reflective of how I'm doing emotionally with physical situations.

Another dream - I'm chatting with another sister who is on the phone to my aunt. She's angry (at least it's not me this time). Another old telephone system, she has thrown the cord down with reciever hanging and I can hear my aunts massive voice. My sister is going on and with her exploded temper I think she's not aware that aunt is still on the phone - I gesture to her but she doesn't care.

I know I have to pick up the phone and try to calm my aunt down but that also means staying on the phone for forever. I tell her to forget what my sister said as everyone knows she's a bit rowdy and that she even speaks to me with the same tone. I'm lying down listening to my aunt rambling on, she is telling me something and constantly crying. Three adorable kids walk in - I seem to know them, then a man walks in - the father, someone who in reality proposed to me and I had rejected.

One of the kid grabs my bent knees giggling, cheerful and so happy. I hold him or her calling them 'bulbulla' and for no apparent reason burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter - I wake up with that same laughter feeling somewhat good, at least better than the past few weeks.

Projection Experiences Changing

I wake up at 5am - empty bladder. Before I continue I should make a note of my recent mental state here - lately I have become so thoroughly depressed to a level that goes beyond any depth I've felt before. There is a thing where I yo-yo between depression and elation. I have noticed certain things that trigger it - usually it gets worse when a new health crisis emerges and I escalate into the worst thoughts possible and at times can remain calm. Other times it is the smallest most ridiculous thing that would agitate me until a few days pass by and I forget or something new arrives.

This morning didn't really care about anything except getting some sleep and last night slept through without a chronically disturbed mind - at least not as bad as two nights ago.

About 6am this morning relaxed deeply through closed eyelids bedroom wall visible. There is a face of a man on the wall and I observe it - it's still but seems to be continuously forming. I rise up to the ceiling and I think I was spinning differently than usual. This time just when I thought I was about to sink I didn't. Instead I was on the same level but things around me were changing - maybe there was some kind of charge this time that I can't recall. Everything occurring quickly that I seemed to be suddenly in another room sitting on a chair staring at the television - a Mexican film with a very Bollywood vibe was on. There was a woman to my left who seemed to know me. There are other people about and I am amazed at the vividness of the scene. I try to touch her face but things get a little hazy. I walk about this building with many rooms. Walk inside another room and get in bed why I'm not sure but I jump out as soon as I realize someone is under the covers.

There are a few voices I can hear calling me by my name.

I walk into other rooms checking for something unoccupied, I know I have projected to this place but I feel so lost.

There were more things that I can't recall - should've made notes as soon as I awake but far too groggy. Closed my eyes and had a dream in which I was venting some anger that might be significant to my current mental state.

These AP experiences are changing, changes made to transition and the quality as well as the lenght of experience.

Friday, 25 November 2011

Morning Glory Seeds - A Trial with Error

I had done some reading on Morning Glory Seeds and decided to give it a try - in my mind I got the idea that it has some detoxing qualities though the seeds themselves can be toxic.

I chewed about 50 large seeds thinking it probably won't do much. First chewed a few seeds one at a time - the taste was not as bad as some people have described until I put a lot of seeds in my mouth together. It was bearable but I think that was because I took 50 seeds, however the more I started to chew the more I could tell it was getting to an undesirable flavor. Within 15 minutes felt sick. Then even more sick, started to feel flushed. Saw a flashing spark on the wall and then a few more. Eventually there was that fluttering in the sides of my eyes - common with Salvia. I couldn't bring it out and considered sticking my finger in my throat to vomit but decided against it. Got in bed eyes closed and started seeing slight hints of them moving almost like in Salvia experiences only this experience was hazy and slow - more focused on physical sick feeling. At some point looked up at the ceiling - there was a flashing light charging - the 'others' seemed to be above me peering down but did not last long. It was different I felt in this experience colours were taking form.

I closed eyes relaxed and gave into the sensation - eventually body burned with feverish symptoms. I walked about for a bit and legs were in so much pain. Felt sick for the whole day until in the evening calmed down. The next morning noticed my veins near wrists, arms and feet had became so scarily thin and recalled some others who had reported the vasoconstricting effects of MGS. I can't say that this is something I will try again but I think there might be a way around the vasoconstricting effect and I feel that when this is taken the most effective way of releasing the toxins is to throw up the ingested contents. I feel Salvia is more of a vasodilator, I recall with Salvia veins and arteries getting thicker and pumping more vigorously so much that they popped out.

Monday, 21 November 2011

Face Streaming

Morning I awaken at 6:30am - can't believe how dark it is outside I would've thought it was 2 or 3am and taking into account that I was so groggy took a lot of effort to empty bladder.

Returned to bed doubting I'll be able to sleep at all. Getting comfortable resting on my front side managed to get some shut eye. I remember as I started to relax imagining something in front of me, pressing it I was startled as it felt too solid. Played around with my imagination for a little bit until I went even deeper in this relaxed zone.

I was aware at some point of something changing around me yet knowing that I was still in bed, several male faces streaming along the wall, each of them carefully observing me. They are like shadows on the wall - I do not recognize any of them, limited to guesses about them and reading facial expressions.

The faces seemed to be gently gliding across very slowly as if backing away so as not to frighten me. Brain feels so mushy, some part clicking and I got this feeling they had done something.

Some of them came closer to the head and I can feel around the head, sensations of them moving almost as though they had entered and became a part of the head. There was fluid movement within the body, felt like all at once each part of this body could detach becoming individual entities.

I never know when these certain 'others' show up unless I'm using Salvia. With the Salvia, experiences become too intense for me to raise questions and certain knowings seem to come as part and parcel of the experience - these reduce the need for the question, in fact sometimes the questions appear ridiculous in that state.

These beings are intriguing - a fascinating aspect of reality. I think perhaps the only reason why I am able to see them moving only in altered states of consciousness as opposed to the so-called normal waking consciousness is because something within the brain has to change. Perhaps that part is always active but since we use other parts of the brain on a daily basis repeatedly through mundane physical reality based activities - the other parts shut down.

Last night I was reading the Bhagavad Gita certain things making a lot of sense, more deeply engrossed in the story than ever before and I went to bed feeling devotional.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Reality Waves

Woke up maybe 4ish am - after emptying bladder straight back to bed no thinking just the urge to close eyes and sleep.

No recall of the transitional state but suddenly became aware that my environment was different - consisting of a charge of energetic waves. Not sure how to describe it except that I was definitely not viewing my room. Top of my head sensations, pressure - brain buzzing and charging, this time it had a pulsating rhythm. It was intense but not so much that I couldn't handle it. I open my eyes with the intention to see if my room is still there. As I open eyes there is that movie like effect, white noise flashing sparkles tuning into a frequency type movie effect, but I was inside within the tuning. Finally I can see the window area in my bedroom is flowing with that same charge I viewed in alternate environment, it was waving and alive with a multitude of brightly colored flashing lights. My eyes feel tensed almost like I'm having to keep them pried open - either some kind of magnetic force wanting to close them or the eyes just could not handle these visuals. Closed them and again from the alternate environment opened again, looked at the window once more with all the waves moving about this time strongly trying to open them fully.

Can't recall what happened after this but I recall at some point where the energies all around me became intense causing an explosion of something in the physical environment.

Last night I slept really late deeply engrossed in making my herbal capsule formula and just before dozing off I drank the most vile tasting tea ever telling the parasites that live inside me (for now) that I want them out. Waking up this morning I felt that my thoughts and feelings from last night triggered this experience as I recall falling asleep the third eye or forehead area moving about a lot - the pressures were very intense.

Saturday, 12 November 2011

A Walk In Paradise

Woke up at 4am, back to bed half an hour later. Frustrated with and endless thinking process, I breathe and relax - I recall at one time before relaxation when I had closed eyes a flashing image of a door to my left appeared.

Relaxed - can't recall going through the initial transitioning process. I found myself shifted immediately to another place. Walking down the corridors of this building it didn't take long to figure out that I was in a hospital. I open one door and feeling the solid touch I am astounded it was as real as physical reality realness - that same depth. I see a computer and think about getting my details that is if I'm in the hospital that I think I'm in. I want to check all the lab results because I suspect my recent Tuberculosis diagnosis to be suspicious. As I touch the keyboard once again I'm astounded by the realness factor. I get confused and realize I don't even know my hospital number and don't really want to type my name in - make a mental note of this so that when I get back to reality I can memorize it for next time. I walk away touching the environment as I go along. A few moments I imagine things and it is like they are coming to pass. I remember at one point thinking of going through the door believing it to be possible I walk right through it somehow I know this is also possible in the physical reality. There are others about but I do not approach them.

I walk outside, a huge contrasting scene to the hospital. Nature is all around and I am in love with this place. I remember seeing a variety of unusual flowers. Beautiful colors, an environment filled with every element of paradise. And I was viewing only a small area of it. There was the potential of something more - I knew deep down that this paradise is here at every moment. To the right a flying creature attracted my attention with the fluttering of it's delicate wings. It was large, its textures that of a moth and vibrant colours and patterns of a butterfly.

Scenes changed to other scenes that are vague but there locked in the memory bank. I do recall being around relatives at some stage wondering whether they are aware that we are dreaming.

Friday, 11 November 2011

Salvia on Diseases

Found some Salvia left in drawer enough for two sessions.

Chewed the leaves with that feeling of transformation, knowing that the body is actually a unit and how false it is to consider oneself to be the body. As the 'detaching' begins I am mostly silent allowing this phase. However, I suddenly breathe and the breathing feels a pretend thing that I do out of habit and know that I mustn't do this when going deep into that space. The others detaching are distracted by my hold on the breath. I slowly let go, others multiplying. Inside the body meeting all the others from before, only this time I know I have parasites and I'm looking for them but not sure if they are there.

So much is going on near rectum, so many sensations in other body parts - legs would suddenly flutter, and many other parts with movement. I start to understand pain and what I've recently been diagnosed with 'TB'. They do this, give these things that we call 'disease' but it is merely a change of patterns, energy patterns that attach to the body, maybe that is not correct it seems they are actually within the body ready to be activated - and wherever there is existence there are multitude of energy patterns and these energy patterns are potentials within the physical organism. These patterns do not awake without a signal - the human being through living a certain lifestyle sends these signals and the energy patterns within the organism mutate forming these diseases. This is why today diseases such as cancer, heart disease, diabetes and a multitude of other illnesses are so prevalent - because human beings live a lifestyle that sends a signal within the physical organism to create these diseases. A great majority of people are living similar lifestyles therefore acquiring similar diseases. The cure is simple - change the lifestyle and the disease will cure itself.

The bopping of my head, the rocking swaying movements of physical body is the soul or spirit detaching from the body and yet it seems it is these others trying to pull it out or away or something.

Going deeper, downwards near reproductive organs, some expansion taking place. I feel whatever wires I have in this area are tearing apart. The pain is the most intense I have ever felt. I try to allow it tolerating as much as I can until I beg for mercy. I know I'm not the body, nor am I the part of the body seperating and the pain caused by it. This seems to be necessary for what I can't say, but I have to endure it - something in the beginning of this experience, if only I hadn't held on to the breath still despite that I'm sure this pain would've been just as excruciating. I want to scream but don't for fear of alerting others because I know my scream would travel beyond the house into the entire neighbourhood. There was at the time in the physical a lot of noise (trees being cut in street), it was only when I came back that I thought maybe the pain was from the cutting. I even thought for a few minutes that they were giving me HIV just because I spoke about it to my sister and I knew I had to be very careful with what I focus on in physical. Gradually the pain lessened to a normal state.

Deep down I feel next time I cannot take Salvia unless I'm home alone, there is some peace and quiet outside, I also cannot have any food prepared for that day nor can I eat prior to the session. I will have to meditate more often before next session. I think also I need to be willing to endure an extreme amount of pain without screaming and attracting external attention. I think something similar to a psychic surgery that I experienced earlier this year will occur only this pending surgery will not be without pain.

When I returned lunch time was overdue but I was not at all hungry - served my meal to the others in the surrounding atmosphere as a truce for not damaging the body and well, I felt like just sharing what I eat with them as a friendly gesture.

Later in the afternoon I noticed there were 2 tsp of salvia left already soaked from before. Quickly chewed it - not as strong as the earlier dose but that feeling was still present, relaxed lay down just skimming through the world of thoughts. I would imagine something and it would appear in my mind's eye almost perfectly clear color picture of my thoughts.

Monday, 7 November 2011

The Conversion

Wake around 3am - close eyes almost immediately - shift - head buzz - something forming on ceiling - someone about to emerge - strong presence - scared - say to myself "focus on breathing and forget everything else". All attention on the rhythm of breathing.

I am high up now near ceiling. Less afraid, through the window, still dark out. Travelling end up in a scene - beautiful massive garden - pots with global hedges, lovely nature all over - sun is out. Walking and bouncing about the place cheerfully "Wow - I wonder if this place actually exists in reality".
Suddenly scene converts bit by bit to another scene - now very dark - I hear or feel someone on TV - a TV commercial - tele-shopping, someone selling round tablet detergent. My focus changes I am the person watching the TV - I have occupied a part of his or her body - the body was incredibly still. Environment converts to another dark room - sitting on a sofa. At some stage I recall lifting up legs and being able to see my legs. I can feel a presence - woman approaches me from the right, on her right hand she's wearing an animal puppet. She grabs me with puppet arm saying "Gotcha". If I were able at this moment I would've jumped out of my skin but body was in a state of paralysis.

I get this sense that scenes are about to warp into nightmarish scenes. I start to fight it urgently with great force shaking the body. Eventually snap out, the head buzzing calms down. There was a door to left in this scene which immediately converts to my bedroom window, and other various elements of that room from the scene converting to my bedroom. My head hurt so much, not from the head buzzing but from the fight that I had put up - I felt like my body and especially head had just crashed with great impact. Started to regret giving into the fear. Could not stay up long enough to check time - too exhausted fall asleep instantly.

Interesting experience and the morphing of scenes is not one I am unfamiliar with. The most intriguing part is when the scene morphs from what one might call the astral to one's physical environment. In the usual common type of projections it appears that there is movement from one place to another and of course that feeling of coming out of the body, in this particular type of experience everything was transforming in the same space without actually moving even though at times I felt I had traveled up to the ceiling or it seemed that I was walking. Something to do with the brain, connection to the sight and the mind behind the entire operation. I think what may have triggered this experience is certain heartfelt deep feelings and communication from my part to higher source prior to falling asleep last night.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Meditation Update

I haven't written about meditation in almost a year now simply because I haven't meditated, it had become difficult overtime and I think in some ways it was replaced with Salvia usage. It was after my difficulty with meditation that I discovered Salvia and felt guided to try it out.

A week ago I had meditated three times and each time for 20 minutes or so. Each time there were the common IBMs, it was mostly hand and finger movements.

The movements are much stronger than at any other meditation sessions. The index and middle finger pressed deep into my abdomen, and during another session my hands resting near thigh started to press in this area. Each time I was startled but continued to relax. It does feel like within me there is another occupant and for the briefest moment when I can relax it takes control over body. One night I recall going through this motion several times until I fell asleep.

I want to meditate daily but I know for now I need to take baby steps. It helps to have a specific time to meditate but maybe I'll stick with at 'when I feel like it o'clock'. I think previously what really helped was starting a 30 day meditation trial - might try this again.

Sunday, 30 October 2011


Woke up at around 4am back to sleep by 6am. No intention to AP but as I started to relax my room appeared slowly through closed eyelids.

Started to turn anticlockwise to the other end of the room, consciousness shrinking room appeared massive.

Fall down through floor to the room downstairs which appears a little different. Don't want to stick around so I focus on the window. Eventually end up outside.

A few scenes take place and I almost lose myself in the roles that I'm playing - memory of these are hazy. I know I haven't left the body as I can still sense head buzzing. I return back focused in physical body aware that I hadn't really left.

Conscious of the body eyes still closed - head buzzing, out of curiousity open eyes to see what happens externally in this state. Lift right arm and to my wonder the arm is part formless with invisible strands as if it were still forming - very matrix like. I stare at it a while longer absolutely amazed. I knew the stage was being set up and I simply awakened earlier than usual to witness the outer construction which had yet to fully form. This has occured maybe twice before but in each incident I didn't attempt to look at body parts.

As I stared at the formation in wonder there was a realization that the earlier experiences where I was playing different roles were parts of stories, and that the life that I was living in the physical was also part of a story.

Friday, 28 October 2011

Breast Cancer - Impending Death

Last night slept late with engrossed deeply with my new projects.

I dreamt that I was with my eldest sister at some gathering. Sister is telling me something about a diagnosis and I felt like she said forklift back problems and had an image in mind what that would be like.

Once again I ask her about this condition in the middle of another meeting. I ask her again thinking the condition is not so serious only this time she replies that she has breast cancer. I am in shock but at the same time thinking of ways to cure her. Initial phase seems to be to get her to completely change her diet which is something I have been trying in reality for the past year since I started my own journey in regaining vitality.

The dream itself felt so real I woke up still concerned feeling that this was no ordinary dream, a prediction perhaps of what may happen.

Recently news passed on to me of a young woman I had known in the early years who is currently going for chemotherapy. With myself several days prior to the initial Kundalini experience I had an alarming episode where something lumpy in my breast was causing a great amount of pain. After checking I had decided it was definitely a sign of cancer and almost immediately the fear of death plagued my consciousness. I was close to booking an emergency appointment and then a thought came to me 'I have cancer and I am going to die, but people die everyday, I have to eventually die some day - so why worry about the inevitable.'

From then on I accepted my fate, and the fate of all those around me. It was also around this time that the world around me felt like an illusion. After the Kundalini flinging me in all kinds of direction I have developed a 'healthy body' fetish and the two characters now so contrasting, one completely fearless of dying and the other with a deep urgency trying to preserve that which is destined to come to an end.

With the Salvia experiences I have reached a level parallel to most of what I've read in spiritual materials from the likes of Sri Ramana Maharishi and Krishnamurti. Regarding the physical body what I have learnt through Salvia is that it is consisted of individual beings in their individual space and the beings have a reality ad infinitum, and we on the earthly realm are housed in tiny fragments of realities that make up realities far greater than what we can envision with our conditioned minds.

Going into that state of mind I am aware that the mastermind behind my life is my own self - that I am the one who came up with the entire plot from simple movements to the complex details. This comes as a realization, and the thought is usually 'how did I manage to fool myself'. Other times I felt like laughing in the face of death, a set up, a joke we play on ourselves simply because importance has been associated between the Self and the physical body - the latter being the shell for the Self and yet the Self the container.

I have to wonder what is it that makes me forget that - I know it intellectually now but not really know it, at least not convincingly. Some call it the veil between two worlds, personally I feel it is the veil between the two aspects of the same world.

Returning to the mundane world within a day or two settling back in to physical reality I easily forget, the role I am playing sucks me back in and once again engrossed in all the details.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

The Wise

As usual awake at 4:30am. 6am closed eyes to relax, this time no sexual arousal to deal with.

I start to shift away from body almost instantly, sinking down and around various places. Try to zoom into some areas when I get some control but only movement I can control seems to be going backwards.

At some stage back in body with a buzzing starting in the head.

I'm looking, either through eyelids or the surface of inner eyelids. I feel maybe I was looking at the ceiling that had slowly transformed. My light fixing was not there, instead something was emerging out of it. A formation of a solid face thumping, next to this face three other faces emerge. They look a lot more different than the other times, 3D formation using the surrounding materials. There was a soft look to the material that they were formed with.

I think they were a mix of male and female. When they realize I'm aware one of them moves away looking into another direction as if calling someone. There is sound, voices of people. Brain buzzing ferociously yet my capacity to handle it feels much greater than other times. A face, with more colour starts to flash and it appears to be so near to me. The others move away and there in the center is a much larger head of an old man. Old yet wise, the face was still, filled with wisdom and an absolute knowing look. Eyes looked as though they bore into my soul and knew everything.

Moving closer I felt a mixture of emotions, some kind of fear and shame. Unable to make eye contact I look away and ask for forgiveness for all my sins. The buzzing subsides gradually at the same time I lose contact and open eyes in bed suprised that the extreme buzzing left behind no pain. Coming back a last voice played and felt like I was so near to the woman who was speaking. She had a chinese accent saying '500 kilos' speaking to someone.

A lot has shifted in these experiences which I believe may have to do with some physical factors. Past few days started swamootra neti which I find cleans my nasal passageway to a greater deegree than the usual saline solution. Also I have taken up urine therapy once again. The sexual energy has a major part in this and now applying the 6th Tibetan Rite to send this energy upwards. Other factors involve sticking to a routine of simple raw diet which is leaning towards 70% of what I eat.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011


Woke up at 4:30am - sexual urges almost beyond control. Past few days practiced the 6th Tibetan Rite which has helped a little. Practiced this morning whilst laying down even though the rite requires standing up.

Eventually closed eyes around 6am hoping for some sleep.

Inner vision slowly getting clearer, things happening in the brain - part paralysis, keeping head very still go with the sensations. Somehow I was floating in the still dark sky moving upwards without my control. In this travel I bump into several sky beings made of clouds, incredibly clear from this angle. I guess being nearer to them they look even more real than in my Salvia trips. Going higher I feel exhilarated, excited and breathless anticipating something extraordinary. I knew at that moment where I was headed only because of that inescapable feeling. I was near to something very familiar, the feeling condensed into a word that after absolute recognition escaped my mind... Baba.

I know in some languages 'Baba' means father and I had felt that that someone I was automatically drawn to was indeed a fatherly presence. What happened beyond this is hidden now.

I only remember fragments after this. Still in the sky somewhere it was sunrise and in the clear light there were placards of statements that seemed like instructions - several of them being shown to me by invisible Beings (Beings expressing words like this has happened in other earlier projections). The only statement I can recall is 'Eat the Earth'. I found this strange even at the time of viewing and now wonder did they mean it literally or just how did they mean it?

The other statements are obviously connected as part of a sequence yet I can't recall beyond this except for a few moments of SP and then a moment where my left eye was moving and through that lens I was shown an image that can come to life - as if a design of some kind for a physical setting. Another moment everything was blank like a canvas ready for me to get painting on only this kind of painting consisted of living images. Just recalled now that in another instance there was talk of 'ego' - being told about others who have been able to retain ego whilst transcending to higher states of consciousness.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Through the Looking-Glass 2

Last night before falling asleep thought about astral projection and putting forth intention to be awakened at around 4am.

Startled awake at 5:30am from a dream where a Doctor tries to gun me down.

At 7:30am close eyes and relax. Immediately I am able to see through my eye-lids, looking to the right side of my room in this visual my furniture are not present neither is the large mirror on the wall. Instead there is a face of a man using shadow and part light I guess.

Consciousness, spirit, or astral body rises - I don't know which one all I know is the 'I' definitely rises. Drawn to the face I move in that direction by gliding. Briefly consider perhaps that face is a mask and when I get there I will be that - instead I am beside it. From that angle the window is visible. I look out - the outside is so clear and vivid but looks different.

Start to sink all the while I am holding on to the clarity of sight. Sink down to downstairs room and travel outside through the window. As I am outside I feel I am looking through glass, like the world before me is contained in crystal clear glass and I am seeing it from the outside of it.

I glide through the town observing and doing nothing else in particular. I think after this I drift off to sleep. Wake up late to the pounding throb in my entire body.

Dr Mad

A doctor who has something dangerous in his office. Somehow sneak in and grab this something - take it to another room where there is a woman - we both examine it. A glass box - inside a red glowing light. I determine it's some kind of radiation. Impulsively I grab the phone, doctor on the other line as I smash the box making him hear the sound of his weapon destroyed. Start to load a gun so that Dr knows I have a weapon and can defend myself. Open door slightly to see Dr waiting near his door with his own gun. Tell the woman to take the gun and make a run for it and not to use it unless it's necessary.

Going against my advice she runs out all the while shooting at the ceiling. I start to panic and run out with the Dr chasing me certain that I'm going to die - crazy dream.

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Recent Happenings

Lots of inner as well as outer experience with and without Salvia.

Salvia experiences similar to others but enhancing or expanding. The awareness of the small beings that combine in order to form physical has heightened significantly. Sometimes its a stampede inside when all at once they rush in.

Interestingly their movements happen without my control until I start controlling them at which point I get realization that I thought them into being and all the movement is a projection from me. In my last experience which was last night I realized that these 'others' had complete knowledge about my every move and intention - they seem to know what I've been up to every little detail and this is simply because they live internally as well as in the external setting. I was upset not because of them or anything they had done but over my own actions over the span of the Salvia exploration and desperately needed a new lease to correct my errors.

There were incidents of body parts (beings) detaching and some feeling of major pain - when this occurs I am forced to open eyes and reveal to them pain area so that they can stop. Great changes going on within body - a new energy group present, they seem to have been observing lately.

It's all rather confusing and right now I'm not going into any more details.

Early morning root lock sensation, thumping sexually without being consumed by urges.



A few days ago early morning in a paralysed state the chair in my room which had a dress was moving and physical room was either being put back together and I simply got to catch a glimpse of the process.

On another day, aware in that other state I started to project - legs going up and then slowly spinning round and outdoors exploring. A few times I ended up back to the bed with legs rising. One time legs went all the way over - which was near to scary as it seemed bones would crack and I sensed another there controlling the body. Then legs were invisible yet I was able to sense the movement as well as controlling it.

In another experience early morning, opened eyes still dark out yet I can see clearly a womans face as though she were sitting on me. She appeared so suddenly and looked way too familiar yet it took some time to realize that it was my own face, at least the face I occupy in physical reality. She or should I say 'I' was smiling and looking at myself which creeped me out. Quickly opened or maybe closed eyes. After this had an unrecallable projection.

Monday, 3 October 2011


Chew Salvia late in evening - I wonder as I enter that knowing state and almost completely seated in what I really am why am I so forgetful? What is the veil that obstructs my view from one state to another? The veil being the many labels of the physical world.

It seems Salvia only temoporarily removes the veil but only partially and I feel it could be this that flings me into a state of depression and at times anger.

Being in that state changes the body, perhaps accelerating Kundalini activity.

Saturday, 24 September 2011


Early morning in the midst of sleep alerted to physical body because arms were moving of their own accord. Each time it occured I became strongly aware of a presence - a being which has occupied what I consider to be my physical body. It was thinking specific thoughts and like a child playing with what looked like my arms, raising them up and swirling about. I can't recall the thoughts but it was playful and even cheerful.

Head did some kind of crazy somersaults.

Monday, 19 September 2011

Deathless Death

Used Salvia twice today - early in morning it was mostly about the worlds and the entities that compose body parts. Again some uncontrollable sexual intensity.

Second time using Salvia in afternoon I relaxed deeper tried to calm mind. Still and somewhat silent the other world inside exposed. I become aware of all the moving parts, so many. Some in groups each having formed some part in the body called organs and everything else.

Going deeper I see all the beings clearly inside, I see the energy pattern of the physical body breathing. This pattern is a group made of beings and they are coming apart meaning no longer playing the role of breath within the physical body. Everything has come apart. In the midst of this I suddenly realize the body has stopped breathing and it dawns on me that this is the process of death - at least the death of the body. The body is dead now but yet I am still present. The death of the physical body is equivalent to shutting down computer. I'm not afraid but out of habit I reassume breathing gasping for some life giving oxygen. Breathing pattern very slowly reintegrating. Open eyes then close.

As the beings all gather at that special meeting point realization unravels slowly. They are there gathering together I know waiting for me to trigger physical orgasm. For a short while I wonder why and instantly it hits me - that feeling of orgasm is only a spark of bliss and the Bliss is what I truly am. Things get deeper, I know there is some beyond. Something is about to get revealed, maybe that beyond? Open eyes and slowly distracted from this realization when I look above the Giant beings present at the left side ceiling. I both sense and see that they are speaking to some illusive higher power about my condition. The higher power seems to be coming down from the concentrated energy in the passing physical aeroplane.

It seems they are trying to put in a good word in for me insisting that something be done - it explains the energetic wave sensations around physical body, a feeling of urgency.

They word 'who am I' which is interesting because just before this session started I looked in mirror and asked 'who am I?'

Close eyes and see them more clearly, to support their claim I start thinking 'who am i' in my mind almost slyly so that at least they can see how hard I'm trying to figure out this mystery. It does not work, it seems to get there this affair of knowing who I am is the only way. It's the key to open that door to the beyond.

I know this whole thing about self knowledge actually has nothing to do about going to some place but has to do with a state of beingness. It's getting a little clearer to me and now I understand that 'their' intention is for me to remain in that state.

I recall at some point during fragile leg pain (beings moving) where I kept the feeling on the gap between pain and was impressed each time there was a relief from pain.

As I open my eyes and rest for a little bit looking outside the window the sky beings are clearer than ever before, illuminated by the sun's ray. Their movements are crystal clear, some appear to be holding something and some grabbing something in the sky.

Saturday, 17 September 2011

I am not the Body

Chewed Salvia, with no particular intentions in mind but I knew the others as usual will be present.

The physical body breaks down, internally I'm seeing each part as beings. The components of the body detached and had a rather choppy unusual movement. As they break down a team of men enter the scene. They are signalling a command for a sexual movement. I ignore and observe everyone. As the body is taken apart I wonder if I am not the body then who am I? and try to hold on to that.

There is a female being present, I can see her clearly but more than that I feel her movement is also inside the physical body exactly where the wound is located.

I get up to see what is going on in the physical. My body is shaking vigorously - grab the small mirror and open dressing. The open wound is composed of two female faces - before actually taking salvia I had replaced the dressing since it was stuck on the wound which had bled from the traumatic pull.

I look at them smiling, almost wanting to laugh at myself - how ridiculous I was to hate having this wound. Dressing back in place I lie down. The visuals are fading though tactile sensations still strong. A few times I feel something brushing against the neck near wound, an eery feeling that they're trying to take off the dressing. Keep grabbing mirror to look. Finally relax. Still sense the sexed up male entities. I give in to their sexual advances more to experiment than to play. As I get ready they all huddle inside in the inner awareness at some meeting point. A huge amount of effort is required and with this effort there is a massive explosive orgasm that reaches the head region.

Soon enough I get some sleep - wake around 4am and back to sleep by 6am. During this phase of sleep I am aware of being awake in the sleeping body. Awareness zooms to microscopic proportion whilst the external appears to grow larger. I feel that I am sinking within the body or through it.


At first aware that I'm in bed, zone out soon enough - feeling groggy look up to see a round light fixing. In a different room entirely. I feel that I'm in a hospital and something happened and the physical life was not my life. I felt that I was some patient, perhaps I had been in a coma and this physical life was a long dream from which I had finally awakened.

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Eye Twister

In the midst of sleep time I become aware of the physical body in bed. To my right there's a glowing light which seemed to look like a being. It glides across very near to my legs. Major fear coming from me when I realize that my body is paralysed.

Legs bent so as it moved to the end of the bed I was not sure what it was up to - it was consistently emanating a glowing light, parts were yellow other parts hinted with different shades. As I forced myself out of the paralysis the moving light Being smoothly reached the wall where the window should have been and became the window with the early morning light outside glowing the room. At that point I realized that my eyes were twisted - becoming aware suddenly the physical had been scrambled - much like lego where every bits were stored or stashed away and what I had witnessed was my physical surrounding reforming. As the body reforms so does the world around it. I should not have been so afraid, it seems this was a very natural process.

It was around 5ish am and about 30 minutes later I relaxed lying down on the front side. Found myself in that unusual surrounding, there was a light emanating on right side and the entire physical structure had become twisted - at this stage I was aware that once again the eyes were also twisted or perhaps it was something inside that projected this twisted structure. The light was very near to the eyes. I wondered what part of the room was this light emanating from. There was an eruption near rectum where I am feeling a forceful energetic sensation. I know it is related to mula bandha or root lock. Encouraging the movement feeling an incredible sexual intensity I think somewhere I lose conscious awareness and maybe enter a dream state. Wake up from alarm at 7:35am - briefly close eyes where I see multiplying blue grains of glowing light.

Monday, 12 September 2011


At 3:15am woke up and from then started urine therapy something I have stopped several months ago due to the appearance of a lump near neck which the doctors are unable to conclude on a diagnosis. I think in some ways the practice of urine therapy (aka shivambu) may have triggered this morning experience in some ways.

6am still awake unable to sleep closed eyes and relaxed waiting for sleep. I found myself in the living room with my nephew sitting down on the sofa and immediately realize I am dreaming. I'm talking to him but he is being rather annoying - I tell him that I love him and that he is so adorable making him blush like a girl which silences him.

The scene warps into darkness - suddenly I feel a sensation in the rectum, felt like a finger or a rod sticking up. Very painful and uncomfortable. I'm aware of my bedroom at this stage and that I'm back in bed sleeping on the front side. I turn around on my back and the sensation subsides but travels up to the tailbone and rattles. I wonder if I should've remained still.

Close eyes and start to see through my eyelids faces slightly forming on ceiling.

Open eyes and close them again. This time a glowing line forming a man appears, he seems to be on top vibrating or rocking vigorously to the rhythm of that wave sensation almost as if he is causing it. Open eyes one more time and feel the shaking is a deep inner sensation slightly moving outwards. Close eyes again his form still visible I reach out with my arms but they go through him passing by to the window my hands look so vivid. I rocket out the window flying by little odd buildings that look like creatures, living yet made out of solid inanimate material. I soar up high across a lot of dome shaped buildings.

As I'm flying there is an ecstatic feeling of incomprehensible joy, I feel as though I have been set free. I feel like singing and the song that comes to mind is from a bollywood movie. Song called Papa kehte hain. The inner voice is singing this song so loud I am briefly abrupted thinking it can be heard in the physical which makes me return slowly.

Back in again enter a dream sequence where in my house I see a ghost and start to feel comfortable around it initially after some fear mounts on the surface. I could feel the others are present and get this sense that this is some kind of dream test that I have yet to face the real challenge in the physical focus. Aware of the body with a feeling of lurking presence, worried about what I'll see when I open eyes - not sure about seeing ghosts just yet.

Open eyes slowly, a gust of wind gushes through my ears, nose and head area as though something roaring within me which took me by suprise.

Friday, 9 September 2011

Through The Eyelids

Went to bed last night briefly wondering about astral projections. It started in the midst of self-enquiry, I wondered if I am not the physical body then what is an astral projection - even in these projections the 'I' is present. Are APs simply dreams within this dream?

Continued with the self enquiry until I fell asleep. At 4am woke up from a nightmare where I and others around me were fighting robots and other monstrous looking creatures. I was aiming at a broken open part of a robot that was attacking me woke up feeling pain near left side waist and stomach churning. Emptied bladder and by 5am relaxed for sleep.

There was that sensation of electricity coursing through the left calves - this time a lot more deliberate. I followed the feeling and instead of moving about just allowed it to move freely. Straightened legs. Eventually I felt something gripping a piece at the middle of forehead - moving something with force - like taking a plug off, it was removed whatever 'it' was. Something is going on in the face - I feel rather than hear crunchiness, cracking and snapping mostly near nasal region.

The entire time my eyes were closed. Soon I was seeing my room and the visible furniture through the eyelids. Had a feeling of a presence - it was inside me and it was this presence that was seeing through the eyelids. I could feel it so strongly yet it was silent and unmoving. For a brief moment I thought how cool it would be if I could always see through the eyelids - started to think about certain tricks like asking others to hold up random number of fingers and telling them the exact number of fingers all the while with closed eyes.

The 'others' start to emerge on the ceiling just like in Salvia experiences. If they had been visible before Salvia experiences this incident would've scared me. There was no exchange of communication except that of facial expressions. Their look said something along the lines of 'It worked'. They seemed to be huddled together and being very cautious as to how I would react. My reaction is that I'm not afraid and mentally I say to them that it's okay, they can come through - there's no fear at least on my part. I am smiling, very happy to be able to see them especially without the use of Salvia.

I look away briefly and there is an anticlockwise spin. Sinking downwards and all is dark with a few visible glimmers of physical surrounding. I start to ask 'who am I' - who is the 'I' that has this experience and hold on to that.

In another space now - a big mansion like building. Members of my family are present here. I wonder what they are doing here. As I see them all I think that one of them is having this dream and I may have entered it. Or not. Too busy walking around to talk to anyone. Ahead I see a window and maybe a reflection of something. Want to zoom to it but it doesn't work so use the old fashioned form of transport and walk. After this everything is hazy.

Waking up this morning my brain felt heavy like it was overworked. Past few days feel like this fatigue of body and overworked brain has been increasing. Though throughout the day time energy levels seem normal.

Thursday, 8 September 2011

Early Fatigue

It is day 5 since tailbone arousal with liquid flowing down and voila, body feels increasingly tired especially in morning. I have been trying to feed this body properly but healthy eating has been quite a struggle.

Sunday, 4 September 2011

Tailbone Arousal

This morning woke up at 4 back to sleep by 5. Fall asleep only to be alerted back to the body where near the tailbone feel sexual arousal - cramping sensation yet very sexual. Incredibly aroused I encouraged the motion yet it was near to unbearable. Felt solid movement going up spine. Eventually decided to just let it take its course and lost consciousness.

Lately there has been an uncontrollable sexual intensity. Past two days feeling more tired than usual - needing to nap. There has been a feeling of flowing liquid going downwards from tailbone when this occured I had a feeling that I was going to feel tired due to this.

Friday, 2 September 2011

Instant Salvia

Last night got sheesha ready - eldest sister and niece present in room. Had my sister try Salvia for the first time and after a long time using up the half a gram of 10x extract it did not work. Niece tried some and still it did not work except for a slight twitch.

Thought that either they are not smoking it properly or the herb was not burning properly. Took over, inhaled twice and immediately things started to change feeling presence - face changing but internally. I was still coherent and felt that I had absolute control over how deep I can go. Whilst the changes take place I ask more to myself than to the other two in the room 'How comes it worked so easily on me and not you guys?' My sisters response was that she didn't understand how it worked on me because I was acting so normal and then asked me what was happening.

I felt that I could not describe it - it would actually make me look loony. Imagine I blurted out to my sister that she was not real - that who we have assumed we are is a complete fiction. That is always the foundation of the experience - and then there's this other process where other beings enter the scene, who they are I cannot say except that once I had a realization that they were a part of a unit that I assumed to be me and at other times they played specific familial roles. Initially when I first saw them they appeared as seperate individuals until the realization experience.

I managed to control the bodily movements - in fact it was more of an energetic wave pulsing internally and externally. With the face movements I asked if sister can see anything - nothing yet I could tell that those 'face' beings are moving about. Perhaps they didn't come out but simply moved inside - maybe sister and niece are not at a stage where they can see the movements physically. Something to do with the layers of fear - I know I went through quite a bit personally myself to get to a stage where these phenomenas do not scare me so easily. Perhaps other personal factors played a role in why it did not work for the other two.

Still in transit of that other state I was conversing as though I was in this usual physical state - only I knew that I am not entirely physically focused. Interestingly they both felt burning in the throat, as for me it was as simple as inhaling vapours - no burning, no eye watering (which was a huge problem before).

Sister tried once more, quickly taking pipe out of mouth saying that the water is coming through it, at that same moment I felt that presence and got an undeniable feeling that they or it did not want or could not allow my sister to take anymore. I took the pipe to check, smoked it knowing that no water will be coming through - after two pulls instantly salvia pulled me into that other state a litte more where I have a clearer perception of them but did not want to close eyes to see them with the other non-physical lens or what can probably be called the internal eyes.

Something has been going on in the brain for a while now since taking Salvia - inside I could feel them hammering away in the head region. Waking up from sleep it is most intense yet painless, especially after this morning I woke from sleep whilst eyes still closed head fluttering.

Yesterday when I sat on the bed with a bag resting on the side it kept shaking. I got off the bed and it stopped shaking instead there was glimmer of it moving in waves.

I tried to smoke salvia alone, almost did not bother - for me personally using a sheesha seems like such a long process - set the sheesha up, burn the coal and smoke in and then after that is over need to clean sheesha - feels like a chore. Didn't want my relatives who were around the house to know about my Salvia session so the smell of smoke was another issue. I used a cherry herbal mix designed for sheesha smoking and then placed plain salvia on top.

Anways decided to give it a try and instantly found every sound - everything the body could percieve amplified. Paranoia was one of them - can hear relatives outside room talking about smelling smoke, niece was incredibly annoying.

Quickly dipped coal in water and focused on diminishing smoke smell all the while resisting that other state - could feel that if I had closed eyes the others would have appeared. Got in bed after 15 minutes no visuals of them but there was intense tactile sensations.

Lately as I fall to sleep there have been electrical charges in nerves most concentrated in left calves - most of the time feels like somethng short circuiting makes me jump at night. There has been incidents of bodily spasms that occur randomly.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Salvia in a Sheesha

Sister and mum testing out their sheeshas (aka hookah) last night. Never tried this out before and thought it was at least much more better than smoking cigarettes - pleasant to smell and the flavours were quite yummy.

Late in the night with my niece as my sitter smoked salvia. In the kitchen sat down on chair with niece on opposite side just staring at me waiting curiously to see if I lose my mind. I don't know why but I felt so strongly that it was not going to work which is why I didn't bother doing it in private still I told my niece to just keep an eye on me so I don't do anything crazy.

First pull was surprisingly gentle and smooth. It still tasted like Salvia but was not so bad. Did not hurt my throat like the smoking pipe I used before. Second pull everything changed around me - I can feel everyone present all around me and I mumble 'uh-oh' because it is occurring almost instantly. Body is fluttering - there is a sore spot on my back (maybe an insect bite) which occurred in the morning and I feel one of them pulling on it as if they placed it there. I did not expect it to be this deep, didn't use extract just plain leaf. They're forming so vividly with the play of light and shadow. I am looking not at them but at very vivid glimpses of them and asking my niece if she can see them - she can't but I know that some part of her can see this other place. I could tell she is thinking that I might be feeling like I'm in another world - but it's the same world only difference is every inch of it has come alive.

I could feel it - I'm about to completely dissolve in this other state. Tell niece that I need to go to bed - tell her to just sort the sheesha out but realize she'll end up burning the house down if I leave her to it. There is no way I can close my eyes unless body is perfectly still - closing eyes does something and has consequences for physical body. She has to get out of the kitchen - can't recall why. Just sat there eyes open totally aware in that other state and know that this will happen - a time when two states will blend as one. Kept forcing myself out of it this was definitely the wrong time, the setting was not appropriate. Niece re-enters kitchen and I tell her the basics of what occurred as I do I don't tell her I'm still in that other state and that those other beings are still there.

Upstairs I try again but niece wants to stick around yet I really do not like having a sitter. I take another two pulls and feel the effects immediately. Lay down, close eyes and that inner unravelling occurs, feel niece's energy pattern. I am going deep forgetting external surrounding but know that niece is watching. Inside, outside feels like it has come to a standstill - it no longer exists yet I know niece is there so open eyes to check with her simply watching me.

Salvia smoked in a sheesha rather than using tobacco pipes is so much better although I still wouldn't make a habit of it. The water has obviously made a huge difference. I'm amazed that my face wasn't dripping in tears. Somehow, strangely I feel last night was set up as though the days events were designed to make me take some Salvia using this method.

I don't think I have enough data to make comparisons between chewing and smoking salvia and especially since last night niece was a distraction but using a sheesha has made a huge difference, the scales are tipping a little in favour of smoking. The other important factor is I used a very small amount of Salvia, a lot less than I needed for chewing. I may try it again using a sheesha but without a sitter.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Self-enquiry Lucid Dream

The lucid dream I had this morning was incredible as I had an amazing ability to stay lucid for longer than usual and control certain parts of the dream.

The dream starts off in a house, and there is a part where I almost give in to sexual urges but manage to control myself remembering it is a lucid dream.

I walk downstairs aware of each step. In front of a mirror the reflection is so clear, I imagine to be wearing a coat as I want to go out, I think about it some more, thinking of the colour grey. The coat appears instantly. I fold arms almost wrapping the body getting cosy. Here, I am so amazed that it has not yet ended.

Outside approach a building feeling like I have to be there. In a room there is a woman sitting facing me but giving some kind of lecture with others around. I don't like being there, move away and end up returning outside. Here I am lucid in a dream and need to think fast before it ends - what to do? Decide that I would like to ride a bicycle on the road since I want to do so in physical might as well try to overcome the fear of it in the dream. I can cycle it's just on the road I panic.

A bicycle appears in an antiques market stall - it is made almost entirely of wood. Take my purse out giving money to someone due to perhaps temporary loss of lucidity. I remind myself that its a dream and pull out more notes for the seller. Grab the bicycle with a firm grip and get cycling. I'm cycling - my legs are moving and it appears that there is motion and I can see that I am moving at a distance only I know that really I am not moving - there is no road, no distance and soon enough the bike feels unreal as well as my pedalling efforts. I awaken asking 'who am I?'


Have been reading a lot of material on Ramana Maharishi - though I had read about the method of self-enquiry I never quite understood it - it all seemed so trivial to me. However, I focused on simply observing any thoughts that came but this did not last long. Only recently I have been so drawn to his teachings that when I read thoroughly how to go about self-enquiry I couldn't believe how something that is now so simple was once so trivial. The method could be summed up in one sentence. Follow the 'I' thought back to its source simply by asking 'who am I?' each time a thought arises. According to Maharishi the 'I' thought is the root of all thoughts - past few days from personal observation on thoughts I have found that the 'I' is indeed the root of all thoughts.

Past few days enquiring has been so easy that the question has started to arise naturally with the majority of thoughts that pop up so much that I wake up from sleep questioning 'who am I?'

Another thing that has occured is that dreams have become more vivid yet they are completely irrelevant to the quest for Self. Last night as I fell asleep something appeared pierced in the field of vision - a black hole and I was able to see a familiar face, carried on with self-enquiry focusing on the feeling of 'I'. Entered a normal dream state and from there became steadily lucid and asking the questions in the intervals.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Mugwort Refreshing Sleep

Drank mugwort tea last night before bed. Previously this tea made me so groggy in the morning and then when I stopped the grogginess eventually wore off - still there may be other unrelated factors. Needing more sleep.

This morning I woke up feeling refreshed but still wanting to get a bit more sleep - recall having several vivid dreams but was hoping for AP and put intention through last night for this. Did not wake up at all during sleep until this morning so no conscious AP.

Friday, 12 August 2011

Bulgaria Greetings

Yesterday I had no intention to use Salvia but the pain in my stomach was so unusual - so terribly painfully sharp and deliberate. Strong feeling they were doing something, not sure if intentions were to harm but had to find out so I got some Salvia ready at the same time the whole day my mind was occupied with thoughts of starting a new simple life in Bulgaria and during blending with salvia this was also on my mind.

There was a being like everything that I percieved in physical connected to make this being and it was fully aware of my presence at the same time a lot of other activity taking place. Mouth keeps opening on auto. I feel a cool air coming closer touching skin, beings made of natural elements - something about the mouth opening. I am being rushed through or something is moving towards me and the being I was aware of is now communicating with another being. They felt like relatives - the other being felt to be a part of Bulgaria - what we think of as a country was actually an entity, a living being. The being is informing Bulgaria about my intentions to move there. There is some kind of acceptance emmitting from Bulgaria and maybe even a trace of excitement.

Lots of beings coming through - doing something moving body parts - something going on near ears and intense pulling near head region. Do that mind stretching thing where through my mind stretch them away from me - a clearing. There's something at top of head and I stretch it away - feels like it is exposed, open. I feel out of control with the whole stretching thing.

Got interrupted twice - once in the initial process of chewing and then later after it ended. I feel the people interrupting were drawn to me through their force. Was incredibly agitated by this interference and vented anger. Something about this interruption and the physical others around me.

The other day had a session where I moved towards the energy patterns of the rioters without directing this movement, felt vulnerable that somehow they'll be attracted to my neighbourhood. At the same time their energy pattern was a second model of what takes place in the physical. Trying to understand - does the physical activity come first and then this non-physical activity copies it (meaning re-enactment) or is it the other way around?

Strangely when taking Salvia with particular intentions and goals in mind these things lose importance - meaning I feel so content with the knowledge of what reality is that outwardly I don't desire anything and all intentions and goals are based on desire. For eg. with the Bulgaria experience even though it was related to my intention at the same time I'm seeing what reality is and because of this I am no longer attached - but coming back to physical it takes a day or so for unimportance to wear off and I am back to desiring, back to my set goals.

In another experience I was becoming aware of 'I' as the thinker and then there was another beside this 'I' - this other attached to me but for a moment 'I' was it and there was this partial self-realization.

Have been taking lower dosage of Salvia during these sessions.

Friday, 5 August 2011

The Ear Stampede - Neighbours Death Continued

Salvia session early this morning.

Inside I could see them, the others that make up parts of this physical shell. Again that outside world being inside - hard to describe, this one still wracks my brain.

As soon as they become aware that I'm aware an entire population stampedes in my right ear - there are sounds.

I think it is possible they are trying to talk to me using sounds rather than non-verbal communication.

Something is also taking place in the brain, something snapping and very uncomfortable making me want to snap out and stay completely physically focused.

When the session ended I was craving sugar - then there was a knock on the door. Neighbours wife and daughter breaking the news about their dearly departed. Told them I found out the other day. We're talking about how shocking the news was and the incredibly unusual circumstances in which his death occured - throughout the whole conversation I wanted to just laugh and tell them it's just a joke, a really funny one. It is so hard to contain that laughter, keeping it inside I had to make myself feel sad in order to not break down. Trying to feel and show them compassion but it felt so fake.

Thursday, 4 August 2011

The Layers of a Tree - The Funny Side of Death

Instead of writing every detail of each Salvia session I will instead make posts about anything new I have learnt, anything signigicant.

Before I chewed I was upset, hurt over something very small. I stated that I just wish I was dead and how I would prefer to simply not exist.

The Layers of a Tree
Whilst chewing stared out the window at the trees and I saw the fakeness of it all. The world takes this appearance of a toy, it's all so pretend. The others that make up all the parts are constructed to make things appear to be something - like a tree. There were layers of branches and each layer had a set of individuals who are now aware that I am aware of them. They are even moving left and right to give the appearance, the feel that it's the wind moving. The body felt so unreal, so rubbery, toy like.

The Funny Side of Death
Death has been on my mind since that dream I had about my dad, and just yesterday found out my neighbour passed away. He moved with his wife only a week ago which happened so suddenly didn't even get a goodbye from them which was shocking but then to find out he passed away was just unbelievable. How can someone who after so much hard work and grief want to start life fresh and really enjoy it suddenly drop dead the moment they take the step to make it happen. At some point in the Salvia trip this whole death thing was on my mind. I started to feel or understand that when we die this is what happens : we don't die we wake up knowing it was all a dream, a joke even, that none of it was ever real and I was going through the sequence of that process. I started laughing inside and I thought about murderers and their victims and how once their dead they have this same awareness of it being a game, an act. I was laughing but it was funny there and then I remembered what life is like here and I kept stating that it's not funny here - murder is not funny here, it's not a joke despite it not being real life is not meant to be filled with these horrid incidents. Still I couldn't help laughing about death, it is the funniest joke I've ever heard.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Kins Domain in Bulgaria

Today after a long time I did another search on land in UK and again frustrated about all the red tape and how land prices are hiking I looked at the alternative - spain is also quite expensive now and I would have to look into the legal side which so far is also complicated.

I just want a piece of land work on - so passionately that I'm learning every skill I may need to have when I'm there which includes growing and knowing my wild edibles. Somehow ended up on a site about living in Bulgaria - the main thing that caught my attention was the price. It's dirt cheap and also there's not so much red tape around building a home, the climate is perfect and I like the fact that it is not an overdeveloped country. I felt the idea just growing and started talking about it to my eldest sister - will need to research more. In my excitement the Salvia package arrived and I got started with the intention to keep the thought of moving to Bulgaria in my mind.

The others were there some I remember from before - recognized a group who were attached with me somehow and recalled how I was suppose to give them a tour of this physical life, they were my guests and I was supposed to entertain them - felt odd that I forgot this so easily.

Everything was living and my dream to move to Bulgaria did not matter, whether I was in Japan or Russia did not matter - I felt like I arrived at my destination - this was the reality behind the physical reality, the basis the foundation of existence and it was from this that the outside projection was visible, from this the 5 senses were born and everything else that we know within PR. This was a new sight - a new pair of eyes and I knew at that moment who I am. I felt so deeply that this was natural - looked at my hand and I knew what had happened and how it can happen again without use of Salvia- Salvia was temporarily streaming in the blood of this body, waking up every little being within. I understood why I have been so obsessed with physical health - if we can heal the physical body completely cleansing it of suffering/pollutants and mentally completely cleanse it of emotional baggage the body becomes the perfect vehicle for that consciousness.

I knew that it wasn't the land that was so important, I don't need the land I just felt deeply that having and working a piece of land would be helpful to the process - deep down I know it is the physical body but for me now the physical body is synonymous to the Earth - they are literally identical and now living in the city feels like I'm living with cancer. But when I'm there - even in the presence of those others who are not always nice to me I feel at one with everything - no need to go anywhere or do anything. But then I come back, and what this reality really is is hiding again, or maybe I just lose my sight, the true sight. Again there was that knowing of the world inside the physical apparatus and I could feel structure of lower spine area moving and stretching - something going on in intestines.

If indeed the world isn't real then why do we suffer so, why do we face so many problems? Why is there pain? Why does this world appear to be so real? Is it really that we live in ignorance? We have lost sight of what is real so much that the pain and suffering that everyone lives with at least at some point in their lives is a device in order to lead us to the Truth? I still ask these questions, still trying to figure it out just in case I am wrong almost as though no answer is satisfying.

But suppose that was it, that suffering was merely a device to lead us on the correct path how do we break the chains of ignorance and wake up from that? We simply stop doing the things that create the suffering and suffering has multiple causes in the physical but only one source.

How do I or anyone else after seeing what this reality really is live? What is the purpose of that persons life? Personally I feel that I am supposed to help others see what I've seen with Salvia and at the same time I have to be able to see without the assistance of Salvia and I know that there is a connection between physical well-being and having a constant opening. The state of the physical body is essential to this because it is vulnerable to that other energy and its function is dependent on how well it already operates. This is why the Kundalini energy first seeks to correct the physical apparatus - a lot of the K symptoms are associated with certain disorders that it seems people without K amplification are going through a slow procedure.

I've always felt that the K symptoms that I personally experienced had some importance and that there are ways that we can assist to help heal the body or at least to correct it.

I am also aware that all this work operates in time - and over there where time has no existence everything unfolds in a flash any disorder is corrected instantly so much that you see what pain is. Just recently I bit left part of cheek - infact there is some other stuff going on specifically in left part of body. The bite formed an ulcer - under Salvia the pain from the ulcer diminished - detached as if deliberately held there by the others to give me the feeling of pain. We're playing pretend, this is a play and I don't know who is directing it.

Still someone in the middle of my forehead moving some other part like another body encapsulating this physical shell. The heart was beating to a different rhythm, rapid and yet in slow motion.

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Spinal Surgery

Drank an infusion of mugwort last night - forgot to chop up leaves - this time used less water, leaves and flower heads. Color was pale and flavour mild compared to previous night.

Went to bed late after midnight and fell asleep immediately. Had a lot of very vivid dreams but recall is not so great except for the last dream I had which blended into physical reality.

In this dream I am sitting on a chair with my back exposed. There are rows of other people sitting on chairs with their back exposed. The female doctor I met recently in PR is in front of me. There's a nurse behind me rubbing something on back of neck - getting prepped for surgery - something to do with the spine.

Suddenly a large bug that has the appearance of a bee but with big glowing red bulby eyes flies around and lands on table that is very near to my face. Nurse has probably been frightened away. The doctor flinches and gives me the impression that she is thinking that someone is spying on her. I remain calm and still.

Suddenly there is a pulsing at the base of the spine and that familiar feeling of pumping up the rectum. I tell the doctor that something is happening down there but she seems confused. The sensation is too strong, so strong I wake up still feeling the sensation. Turning over it calms down. Went back to sleep and woke up at 8am - usually I'm up before this time. So sleepy in the morning - not sure if it is the mugwort or the weather.

Monday, 1 August 2011

Mugwort Dream Recall

Had a cup of mugwort tea last night before bed. Dreams were vivid but no lucidity. Violent dream where a relative was trying to attack me and in self defense I'm slashing about going a bit wild.

In another vivid dream I'm at the bus stop. I get on a bus, use card but does not work but driver lets me through. Seated I can feel eyes on me so I turn around look at the other passengers, all silent. They look like foreigners and I'm starting to wonder if I accidently got on a tourist bus. Strangely it is dark inside and there are lights on - all the windows are sealed with metal sheets blocking external view. I get a little confused but no lucidity. There were more dreams but recall hazy or maybe too much dreaming.

I think I need to brew the tea by chopping leaves to help with infusion but despite soaking leaves and flower heads whole the tea is a vibrant green. The taste is incredibly soothing and pleasant. Physically I have been feeling a little groggy just feel like sleeping on the spot - I don't know if this is the tea or other factors. There have also been some muscle aches and this morning a pressure pain in left jaw.

I have enough mugwort for 5 days so will be drinking this next 5 days and then I plan to change tea over to nettles another highly nutritious tea from a plant that grows in the wild.

Friday, 29 July 2011

Mugwort Tea Dreaming

Yesterday evening about an hour or so before bed I drank some mugwort tea - used the entire bunch I picked two days ago. I was surprised by the taste of the tea was expecting something bitter but instead had a nice fresh tolerable leafy taste.

At the time of drinking I was tired wanting to retire to bed - it was quite hot thought it might be difficult to sleep. An hour after tea I went to bed started to doze off 11pm- felt very sedated but I am not sure the tea caused this since I was already tired. However a lot of images emerged - auto visuals, very vivid I even found that I could reconstruct the visuals. Relaxed some more, felt myself smoothly transitioning to sleep state. Suddenly someone just ran directly near my face which made me jump. Fell asleep and I woke up around 12:33am recalling vivid dreams of harvesting plants - I think there were some mugwort as well. Waking up at this time I thought it might be about 4am - I felt like I slept for long but having slept for just over an hour all the days exhaustion was gone as if renewed with energy.

Went back to bed and transitioned to sleep immediately and all I recall is flashes of blue. I can recall snippets of more dreams but nothing vivid or lucid.

Healthwise the tea has helped me to sleep smoothly, refreshed me with renewed energy in just one hour. Dreamwise it has given initial highly vivid visuals whilst drifting off to sleep and helped with some recall which might get stronger over time. Of course I don't want to over use it nor would I recommend it to be taken regularly. A lot has been written about its medicinal use and like all medicines you do not want to over use this - right now I don't know much about the toxicity of this herb so will use with caution. Saying that, I am aware that I may have over used Salvia and need to minimize any future use - maybe sticking with once a week and lower dosage.