Prior to this event I was not having a great day - nurse getting on my nerves, pressuring me to carry on with toxic treatment as I rejected it and decided to take matters into my own hands. It seemed this incident was necessary to learn to say no and not let others try to control me - a kind of releasing. I almost broke down around my family members today which is not something I do often - but the nurse really triggered something and it was all coming out. I know these health professionals mean well and are only trying to help but they are so scarily persistent.
My fasting past 3 days hasn't been a 100% - sometimes tasting small amounts of food.
In the evening maybe around 7am - perfect setting, quiet without distractions as though all planned out.
Chew 2 quids, not that many leaves - fasting for longer periods would perhaps require less. As I chew the transition builds up more smoothly - everything about this experience was smooth. It started with my disturbing thoughts about the illness I have -
"Death is quicker and easier - I don't want to be lame. What is the joy in living if you don't have an arm or a leg?" It was a rhetorical question but I received the answer and the thoughts were from the same place where I thought up the question. "Why are you so worried about being lame. Joy isn't in your legs or your arms - joy is JOY!"
Tears swell up - I try to stop from cheeks getting wet but can't help it. Though the fact of the thought was so beautiful it brought me to tears I tell the others that it was beautiful because I thought it.
Laying down watching the others hovering above a tear drops down - and that tear was some kind of beautiful essence, something about it was so delicate - it required certain unique combination of feelings to bring it forth - I was in so much awe of this drop of tear as though it contained some special energy.
I relax and enter that other state inwardly with the inner visuals, this time mind calm and no focus on breathing. I see them much clearer now. Had a yogurt earlier with honey and within the body I see the energy that I had consumed - a group of living entities. We're entering a live stream and in this stream I am aware of several facts - the TB I got is an energy group - everything is energy.
So totally calm and in a quiet state - I face the others in a kind of circle. Some kind of meeting going on - something pulling. I realize I am something else getting so close to primary source - and I am that Self knowing truly that the physical is but a dream.
I recall at some point when my eyes were open the shadow around light fixing was fluttering and moving about - I thought about how I have to be around someone and show them this other state but I have to be in that state for them to enter. I have tried it - with niece and sisters it didn't work and yet I know it can work.
All other knowings coming at such a speed there is a desire - the desire to share with others starting with family members but there is also the thought that I will end up institutionalized.
I realize they are pulling the life out of my physical shell and I am quick to protest I don't want the physical shell to come to an end. Everyone is suddenly aware of me and it appears they are taken aback. I open eyes - communication is so difficult - how do I speak to them clearly when I'm still so blended with physical shell and its identity. A darkened kind of energy comes forth and I know this to be that uncontrollable sexual energy - I certainly don't want to play with them but naturally they back away. Eyes open looking above I clasp my hands together and slowly pulling one hand away from the other very slowly demonstrating that they can help pull that Self /Soul away from the body like that. But how do I tell them to make sure they do not end the physical shell. Made a mental note that when I am more physically focused I will do a drawing of what I am suggesting perhaps with a cord as a symbol of that other part (soul, self whatever one would want to call it) even though thinking of it was enough.
The others nodded their heads and reached down as if they understood, more pulling going on within and for a while all kinds of physical sensations were present. All the while through though felt I wasn't ready to go further. I was suddenly agitated and I think I was worried that maybe they misunderstood and were trying to end the physical existence rather than creating some kind of balance where it was possible to go from one existence to the other. I didn't mind dying didn't seem like a big deal and started creating plans to leave some kind of will behind and spend more time with loved ones. After a while I just kept fidgeting. Sleep interrupted throughout the night - I was hardly asleep - a constant nagging restlessness.
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