I stopped fasting from Sunday evening, also decided not to use Salvia. Feel like at this time I am not meant to, will wait it out.
One thing that has been clear to me that whatever Salvia accomplishes or allows us to see can and is possible without the herb.
Sunday evening as I relaxed in complete darkness the atmosphere was shifting almost in a Salvia sense. There was some resistance on my part.
I have been thinking that with Salvia I have become comfortable having the unusual experiences. I don't think I would be afraid of suddenly going into Salvia zone without Salvia only I would probably be fascinated as if I were having the experience for the first time.
Latest fasting has only revealed that I can actually do without eating a lot, in fact last week has been my most creative week. I think I will stick with interval fasting.
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Thursday, 7 November 2013
Fasting and The Body
Fasting is going smoothly, although I have had a craving for some kind of flavour. This isn't a pure fast in that initially I subsist on juices and teas. The next phase I soothe into the flow and allow only water.
I think one of the important aspect of a fast is trust. A trust or surrender completely in the power that has created water, air and sun. Surely it by this very power that the forms of human beings came to be.And so it goes without saying that this same power also has the capacity to nourish and power the human body so that it is operating to the highest standards.
Having said all that, I do like to eat. Especially being an excellent cook. The past few years I've only been eating to live with occasions of living to eat simply because I enjoy flavour.
When I go in Salvia world and have those direct knowings, regarding food and the survival of the body - this is what I receive: The body does not survive directly via external means. Its sustenance is due to whatever sustains the world and as such it is this same force that takes care of the body but due to our conditioned beliefs the body has to adapt in accordance to whatever those beliefs may be.
There is more to fasting, such as meditating, reflecting and contemplation. One thing that I find naturally occurring is simply being with what is present, it is pretty much Krishnamurti's instruction and there is also mention of this in the Shurangama Sutra.
A general theme I have noticed in all the scriptures whether it is by Ramana Maharshi, Buddha or Krishnamurti is to observe what is before you without naming it, without the psychological screening.
I am trying to allow more time for the body movements, which are changing. Last night the head moved differently rather than rotating. It's basically bouncing and a lot of emphasis placed on the left side. There was also inner movements in the left leg which seemed directly connected to the head movement. Some pain present near neck left side, a small ball of pain.
Another new movement has been the head shake, it comes on suddenly and vigorously. Last night it was not as dramatic and I have a feeling it may be almost done - whatever the shakes purpose is, it's almost complete.
I think one of the important aspect of a fast is trust. A trust or surrender completely in the power that has created water, air and sun. Surely it by this very power that the forms of human beings came to be.And so it goes without saying that this same power also has the capacity to nourish and power the human body so that it is operating to the highest standards.
Having said all that, I do like to eat. Especially being an excellent cook. The past few years I've only been eating to live with occasions of living to eat simply because I enjoy flavour.
When I go in Salvia world and have those direct knowings, regarding food and the survival of the body - this is what I receive: The body does not survive directly via external means. Its sustenance is due to whatever sustains the world and as such it is this same force that takes care of the body but due to our conditioned beliefs the body has to adapt in accordance to whatever those beliefs may be.
There is more to fasting, such as meditating, reflecting and contemplation. One thing that I find naturally occurring is simply being with what is present, it is pretty much Krishnamurti's instruction and there is also mention of this in the Shurangama Sutra.
A general theme I have noticed in all the scriptures whether it is by Ramana Maharshi, Buddha or Krishnamurti is to observe what is before you without naming it, without the psychological screening.
I am trying to allow more time for the body movements, which are changing. Last night the head moved differently rather than rotating. It's basically bouncing and a lot of emphasis placed on the left side. There was also inner movements in the left leg which seemed directly connected to the head movement. Some pain present near neck left side, a small ball of pain.
Another new movement has been the head shake, it comes on suddenly and vigorously. Last night it was not as dramatic and I have a feeling it may be almost done - whatever the shakes purpose is, it's almost complete.
Sunday, 3 November 2013
Fasting Urgency
Yesterday evening Salvia session was by far the worst experience I've had.
I ate small amounts prior to the session. Past few days have been eating very little. At the moment of chewing I felt a little uneasy and nasueous.
Finally finished chewing, there was that common fluttering only the sensations were stronger, felt like the fluttering was beating into my head.
Lights off and in complete darkness aware of the other beings. I go deeper, have to be silent. There is an opening of some kind that I'm about to enter this is where the world known as Earth ends. Losing myself more this time. Everything taken apart, dismembering process for the physical body. I hold onto some aspect of Earth in the ending process, can't let it go. Recalling something about the body, something wrong. Then I try to recall the feelings of having a body since Salvia has managed to wipe it out completely. I start to slowly feel my mouth once again - there is a fake quality about the sensations like consciousness or awareness wearing just a little of the clothing. Once worn completely it feels like you are the clothing.
Starting to feel odd sensation, very naseous now. Something happening to the stomach region, beings doing something here. A squeezing sensation. I get up knowing very well that I need to throw up. Movements are wobbly but I manage to get to the toilet and there I vomit the entire content of my stomach which was suprisingly a lot.
Two more times they are pumping the stomach and I throw up each time. Unbelievable amount of stuff coming out.
It wasn't just gut cleansing, there was also a cleansing of the bowels. I tried to relax after this vowing that I will never take Salvia again. They were doing more things to the stomach. At the center of the digestive region there was a kind of energetic charge focused. This moved along to the heart region. The stomach sensations were particularly unbearable. I was inviting sleep, waiting to forget everything.
This morning I had time to reflect what this all meant. I think they're trying to give me a head start to fasting, it seems more urgent than ever before that I do this but almost religiously. I was at the point where I decided maybe I just can't take Salvia anymore, but I think more than that I want nothing to do with food. So now with this complete lack of appetite fasting will be a lot smoother.
Fasting starts from today.
I ate small amounts prior to the session. Past few days have been eating very little. At the moment of chewing I felt a little uneasy and nasueous.
Finally finished chewing, there was that common fluttering only the sensations were stronger, felt like the fluttering was beating into my head.
Lights off and in complete darkness aware of the other beings. I go deeper, have to be silent. There is an opening of some kind that I'm about to enter this is where the world known as Earth ends. Losing myself more this time. Everything taken apart, dismembering process for the physical body. I hold onto some aspect of Earth in the ending process, can't let it go. Recalling something about the body, something wrong. Then I try to recall the feelings of having a body since Salvia has managed to wipe it out completely. I start to slowly feel my mouth once again - there is a fake quality about the sensations like consciousness or awareness wearing just a little of the clothing. Once worn completely it feels like you are the clothing.
Starting to feel odd sensation, very naseous now. Something happening to the stomach region, beings doing something here. A squeezing sensation. I get up knowing very well that I need to throw up. Movements are wobbly but I manage to get to the toilet and there I vomit the entire content of my stomach which was suprisingly a lot.
Two more times they are pumping the stomach and I throw up each time. Unbelievable amount of stuff coming out.
It wasn't just gut cleansing, there was also a cleansing of the bowels. I tried to relax after this vowing that I will never take Salvia again. They were doing more things to the stomach. At the center of the digestive region there was a kind of energetic charge focused. This moved along to the heart region. The stomach sensations were particularly unbearable. I was inviting sleep, waiting to forget everything.
This morning I had time to reflect what this all meant. I think they're trying to give me a head start to fasting, it seems more urgent than ever before that I do this but almost religiously. I was at the point where I decided maybe I just can't take Salvia anymore, but I think more than that I want nothing to do with food. So now with this complete lack of appetite fasting will be a lot smoother.
Fasting starts from today.
Wednesday, 30 October 2013
The God Complex
Yesterday I have been feeling out of sorts. Completely disconnected, severely seeking something. Something calling.
Someone helped me roll a Salvia joint - this is my first time using it rolled up. It fortunately did not burn my throat, very smooth. The preliminary effects were instant with the first two pull.
Another tried it and felt something minor. The world around me was fluttering, lots of this going on around the eyes almost like the eyes were fluttering.
This was not enough, needed something else and an opportunity arose where I was able to get hold of Mary Jane as if it was purposely arranged by some other force. Only ever had this in the past where it left me paranoid.
----------------------------------------------
The Experience
No harsh burning in the throat, in fact the taste wasn't even as bad as was described by others. The buzz was immediate with the first two pull.
When I got back in the house the effects started to get even more pronounced, the motions of the body were changing. Everything vibrating intensely. I eventually got in my room, body changing, taking on the rubbery appearance I get with Salvia, only this was intense as though it were filling in some gaps that I missed out on Salvia.
As I a child in my old home I would play with my toys, giving each toy thing a character, a personality and directing the play. One time I had looked out the window up at the clear sky, questioning and pondering the world around me. Is the world like my doll house? Were the people in the world like my toy characters? I had the eerie sense that perhaps a God was playing with us in the same manner I was playing with my toys. Later on in life as I got older the same questions arose in a different format, but it was the same and again about God.
Here I was in my room, current day what appears in the story as many years later, completely and fully aware of the self and the surroundings. Everything around me was real but it had taken on a toy like appearance and I could clearly perceive what was actually taking place.
Whilst there was perception of the body, there was a complete detachment to the sensations like it did not have any hold what so over in that state. The body could have been sliced and diced and it did not effect that awareness being completely detached from it. There was a clicking sound coming from the computer monitor which was turned off, this has also occurred with Salvia.
I quickly got in bed, something that was just lingering now fully taken over. As a result a complete understanding came about, about reality and with clarity the nature of my Self, the real true Self. This can only take place by direct perception. In that moment through this perception I am the God that was pondered in the childhood scene, I am the very force that was pulling the strings.Something was happening to the brain, waves and extreme electrical charges.
Everything around me shutting down, awareness came of the story. Pure awareness was having a direct contact with it. The little scenes, the dramas came up but completely insignificant.
Going deeper and deeper, retiring, completely withdrawn into my real true Self the world started to shut down - it was ending and there was a void, not just darkness but simply nothing - in there was pure and absolute Silence.
Holding on to the story now, the physical eyes willed open staring back at the mastery of creation. A few times the other characters started talking to me, my phone rang I took the call in that state - it was purely story based.
Closed my eyes to withdraw again, something else was taking place. Deeper and deeper something was occuring in the sexual organs. I was perceiving the body and it's processes. There was sharp pains but being detached to the body there was no reaction but the pain was the worst pain, nothing as brutal as this was felt in the story.
There was awareness of sexual activity, a similar thing occured with Salvia. This time incredibly intense.
At first it was pleasure, like the entire of mankind was having an orgasm at the same time in this one body. Then it was severe sharp tearing pain and I could no longer tell the difference between the two being in a complete detached state. It ends somewhere completely withdrawing. Later awakened at 3am with no sense of having slept.
Other things were done to the body, but again the only thing I have understood is their insignificance. As I began to type this post on the computer, it suddenly went off. I checked this out, the electricity in my room was the only place to be affected.
I've had the sense of being God before, only this is God experiencing God in live stream within the dream and unlike a lucid dream you not only become aware of the dream and the dreamer but the actual essential essence of the dream. That thing underlying it all.
This morning I felt like that great Self wanted to play with the little version of itself. Somehow that everything unfolding within the story was for the purpose of discovering Self in its own creations.
Someone helped me roll a Salvia joint - this is my first time using it rolled up. It fortunately did not burn my throat, very smooth. The preliminary effects were instant with the first two pull.
Another tried it and felt something minor. The world around me was fluttering, lots of this going on around the eyes almost like the eyes were fluttering.
This was not enough, needed something else and an opportunity arose where I was able to get hold of Mary Jane as if it was purposely arranged by some other force. Only ever had this in the past where it left me paranoid.
----------------------------------------------
The Experience
No harsh burning in the throat, in fact the taste wasn't even as bad as was described by others. The buzz was immediate with the first two pull.
When I got back in the house the effects started to get even more pronounced, the motions of the body were changing. Everything vibrating intensely. I eventually got in my room, body changing, taking on the rubbery appearance I get with Salvia, only this was intense as though it were filling in some gaps that I missed out on Salvia.
As I a child in my old home I would play with my toys, giving each toy thing a character, a personality and directing the play. One time I had looked out the window up at the clear sky, questioning and pondering the world around me. Is the world like my doll house? Were the people in the world like my toy characters? I had the eerie sense that perhaps a God was playing with us in the same manner I was playing with my toys. Later on in life as I got older the same questions arose in a different format, but it was the same and again about God.
Here I was in my room, current day what appears in the story as many years later, completely and fully aware of the self and the surroundings. Everything around me was real but it had taken on a toy like appearance and I could clearly perceive what was actually taking place.
Whilst there was perception of the body, there was a complete detachment to the sensations like it did not have any hold what so over in that state. The body could have been sliced and diced and it did not effect that awareness being completely detached from it. There was a clicking sound coming from the computer monitor which was turned off, this has also occurred with Salvia.
I quickly got in bed, something that was just lingering now fully taken over. As a result a complete understanding came about, about reality and with clarity the nature of my Self, the real true Self. This can only take place by direct perception. In that moment through this perception I am the God that was pondered in the childhood scene, I am the very force that was pulling the strings.Something was happening to the brain, waves and extreme electrical charges.
Everything around me shutting down, awareness came of the story. Pure awareness was having a direct contact with it. The little scenes, the dramas came up but completely insignificant.
Going deeper and deeper, retiring, completely withdrawn into my real true Self the world started to shut down - it was ending and there was a void, not just darkness but simply nothing - in there was pure and absolute Silence.
Holding on to the story now, the physical eyes willed open staring back at the mastery of creation. A few times the other characters started talking to me, my phone rang I took the call in that state - it was purely story based.
Closed my eyes to withdraw again, something else was taking place. Deeper and deeper something was occuring in the sexual organs. I was perceiving the body and it's processes. There was sharp pains but being detached to the body there was no reaction but the pain was the worst pain, nothing as brutal as this was felt in the story.
There was awareness of sexual activity, a similar thing occured with Salvia. This time incredibly intense.
At first it was pleasure, like the entire of mankind was having an orgasm at the same time in this one body. Then it was severe sharp tearing pain and I could no longer tell the difference between the two being in a complete detached state. It ends somewhere completely withdrawing. Later awakened at 3am with no sense of having slept.
Other things were done to the body, but again the only thing I have understood is their insignificance. As I began to type this post on the computer, it suddenly went off. I checked this out, the electricity in my room was the only place to be affected.
I've had the sense of being God before, only this is God experiencing God in live stream within the dream and unlike a lucid dream you not only become aware of the dream and the dreamer but the actual essential essence of the dream. That thing underlying it all.
This morning I felt like that great Self wanted to play with the little version of itself. Somehow that everything unfolding within the story was for the purpose of discovering Self in its own creations.
Monday, 28 October 2013
A Holistic Observation with Krishnamurti
There is a storm unfolding here in the UK. It was incredibly windy this morning.
Around after 8am I started the masticating process of Salvia. Just before the second spoonful, my head was rotating more to the magnetic force - they're behind it.
I tried to leave behind thoughts of the 'signal' and anything earthly to leave it behind and go deep in with this in meditation.
My real self and the reality that was here and there was present. All things crystal clear, only I am confused now and do not even know how to carry on with this post. I am attempting something, to elucidate something and it has completely baffled me.
In that state I was totally aware, of my actual state of being, there were others - I felt pains sensations in the body and became aware of what they really are. I can see everything it was this world and that and through this world we see it but we don't. It is in our face, we are looking at it not knowing that we are. What has been done is that its appearance has changed.
Immediately I knew what clouded it was the seriousness with which we lived, and they begin with desires and thoughts. This was important, things incredibly important were being revealed and yet they have been said countless of times by many. I wanted to take it back in that state as broken as it was - something major was being revealed and I wanted to be able to bring it back in my fractured state to help all those fractured others, to let them in on the great secret.
Its a good thing that I don't live in that complete full awareness and my state remains fractured in a condition of confusion, I have to go through it just to break through it so that I can speak a little about it but my doing anything to help others is just that, to help others. But everyone has to see of their own accord - no one person who wishes to help alleviate the condition which mankind suffers from is able to do this. The only thing I can say is that we need a unitary conscious awareness for something new, the unspeakable and unknowable.
As I went deeper I decided to grab my mp3 player which also has a recorder function. I wanted to record everything as I saw it. I told them that I won't reveal anything, how can I? At that stage it was like the body was being inflicted with more pain.
I turn on the mp3 player, the sound of Krishnamurti's voice vibrated through the speaker. I had last listened to this track and now it was continuing. I was quickly fiddling through while still completely aware, with the one goal that I needed to record everything in detail, everything that was taking place.
My fingers stopped moving as I listened to Krishnamurti, what felt like for the first time.
As this played I looked at the ceiling, everything around me, to what was really occurring. The parts of what I had considered the ceiling light, the play of the light and shadows in the room clearly observing all around me at the same time listening to the crucial moment in the track titled 'holistic observation' like it was all planned out a set up organised specifically for this experience.
I have been listening to Krishnamurti's talks and reading his material for the past 2 years on and off and for the first time I realised he was describing completely this awareness. He was not merely just discussing mans problems and issues and what was required from each of us - he was talking from the awareness that is our natural state.
Every spoken word luminously described what I was seeing and yet to bring those words to what is now considered the ordinary state of mind is like reading a language without knowing it's definition. I have done that, I have learnt Arabic, how to read it but not knowing the definitions of the words I was reading. You can learn a new language, how to read and write it, how to connect vowels with consonants to make up a word but not knowing the definition of these words.
I guess you can say when I was reading Krishnamurti's words I was reading - the definition I found in the direct perception of this awareness.
Here I was with a holistic observation, everything was vibrating to the sound coming out of the player. In a moment I'm going to transcribe the section of the audio that I was listening to.
Krishnamurti transcription (from, transcript, video):
"Until we understand that and go into it very deeply and discover total order, we shall always have disorder in the world. So a serious person is not easily dissuaded from the pursuit of understanding, the pursuit of delving deeply into himself, into his consciousness, not easily persuaded by amusement and entertainment which is perhaps sometimes necessary pursuing consistently every day into the nature of man, that is, into himself, observing what is actually going on within himself. From that observation, action takes place. It is not: what shall I do as a separate human being but an action which comes out of total holistic observation of life. Holistic observation is a healthy, sane, rational, logical, perception that is whole, which is holy. Is it possible for a human being, like any one of us who are laymen, not specialists, laymen, is it possible for him to look at the contradictory, confusing consciousness as a whole; or must he look at each part of it separately?"
I had too deeply listen to this track - in that state it was profound.
I was so completely in that state, I think Krishnamurti lived in this state without ever becoming fractured, all his talks were directed from this state of awareness.
I started to once again fiddle with the recorder wishing to accurately describe everything that was occurring - more importantly my understandings, the insights.
As I speak in the recorder the weather has calmed down and throughout it feels as all that happens because of that state, the sky cleared up and appeared blue and luminous, the light that poured in only added to the life brimming all around me.
Audio track lasts 30 mins:
you don't want this recorded...
....a break whilst I try to gather whether to record it or not....this took near around 8 minutes until finally I spoke...
It's somewhere around us, the thing that we're seeking. Something is different and I...see around me as real, what I really am...Krishnamurti was right.................the awareness is here...........I can tell you what it's like, not allowed to share...........only what they say and they are not saying anything..........I'm not allowed to share this.
Why? Why can't I share this with the other parts?
I have to stop pretending to be real, stop acting stop liking and enjoying things. not supposed to like things or enjoy (I think they're referring to my recent highs). But why?
It is not that you're not supposed to like things, desire things it is just that this is what makes you hold on to that state of mind that makes things appear real...it covers up, the desire, thoughts and wants a...
have to stop- eeeeeeeeeeeeeeh they're doing something to the body. Feet has an unpleasant sensation.
Pain..............just trying to handle it.
I whisper I'm not sharing anything anyways...
The most beautiful thing was the way it played out so beautifully, cinema worthy - so brilliantly put together - it is this mastery that needs to be captured in the movie.
It's amazing, how am I to put something like that in a movie.
I never got to see it by the way, the main thing, (the great secret Salvianauts mention) - it was hiding by the appearances before me. It was just about peering over me as if to look at me from.. hidden by all these things... thing that I'm looking for.. didn't look down...they were masking it.
Oh my god, if the others hear me they'll think I'm crazy...I see it now.
Everything that happens, everything around us the change of light...It's not some other world, like some distant place...you think you're going somewhere travelling onto the other place, right here it's always been here, there's no transporting no vehicle to get on to see what's already here.
The ceiling the play of the sun light - its really dramatic, almost.. almost feels like when someone watches a movie for the first time on a cinema screen...this is wow...being in the movie...seeing for yourself how amazing, in the movie as a character suddenly ..I don't know get taken over by the role then you just wake up to the setting the thing that made the light, the thing that made the wind appear as that..
....garbled mumblings... Krishnamurti track, how it just came out, that was just so........., coming back slowly...
...they can do things to the body , and the body isn't what we think it is but being back here in the body they can actually....ohaha uh! put me in pain ..they can cause the body to have some kind of pain uggh! I'm not allowed to divulge any kind of secret but I have just outlined something that..
What I've just outlined here I'm not going to share so fully........because I can't. How can I share this, I can't share this - I only hope someone experiences it.
Okay...so it is not real...our little drama. Like Krishnamurti has said...we're not looking with that consciousness...Oh my god! how it came about that understanding how everything was just so seamless I can't say anything more..
I promised them I won't tell and even if I were to tell what would anybody understand anyways. Krishnamurti did it, he described everything. He was describing it, oh my god he described it! He did it, he was using ordinary words, he sat there talking, talking on and on about it and nobody sees it. He described it.
They've pinched my nose I don't care
My nose is so stuffed they're changing something, I'm not even telling anyone about the secret, catching my breath.....what are you doing? sniff....sniff....sniffles ok oh my god they've stuffed up my nose they stuffed up my breathing and it's not just the breathing they've just changed the way the body operates wow wow wow.....I can feel sensations in the legs I can feel movement...
What I got earlier on from the very start of this experience:
don't take things for real, don't take experiences for real the things we do, don't take them for real it's desires and thoughts it not like its something bad that these things stop us from spiritual growth/experience and understanding.
It's these desires, these thoughts shroud you in blindness everything that makes you blind is just dirt it's just things and I'm watching it in live stream.
The cloud dissipating, the sky is blue now the suns out I'm not getting up I'm not opening my blinds I'm just looking at the light coming through.
I guess you could say...I'm not going to try look at what it is...that I didn't get to see what was hidden by them, it was not that it was hidden by them and there was one thing, that it was hidden...
There's a good reason for the hiding keeping it secret, why people can't see it. Is there a reason? is there a reason to hide something that is right in our face anyways, its just there all along?
I never ... I didn't just see it, I just saw with that consciousness, oh my god... Krishnamurti described it all, he says the description isn't the described, the described isn't the description something like that something isn't something.
Just what he was saying that it was so seamless with what I was experiencing all was unfolding... Oh my... this mp3 player has Krishnamurti stored in it and his words as it vibrated out of the player and how it was just seamlessly stitched into this part of the garment, I can see the pattern unfolding.
I can't describe this I'm not even sharing the way it is meant to be shared.
The movie...oh please... the movie has to be that this movie at least uncovers that part, the seamlessness, this uncovering is important.
It's amazing, amazing to see what he spoke of whilst it was unfolding right before my eyes as the track was playing, he was spot on, every little detail, every little bit.
The peception is closing now, but the sensations are there the physical body sensations, the light flickering, the sky, the light, the way the lighting was percieved how the sky clouds, how it moved.
Have to recall this need to not take things seriously, see the drama don't get caught up in the role. This was the most crucial understanding. The dreams the desires the thoughts, do not get absorbed...
In the playing field recently things that have happened my highs the things that have excited me being caught up...
I was supposed to close my eyes, relax, not grab my recorder not record anything they can end the process.
It is up to this other state, this other state determines what happens here physically, what happens there is what is taking place here. It's there but here, it's here in the physical surrounding there's a way to see it all...
We need to have this awareness, but it's not a matter of getting it or attaining it , we're not trying to get something, it's already here but because we are all so taken over by everything dreams, thoughts, desires and how it all just creates this strong grip tying us down.
I hope this is recording, looking down on the player 29 minutes... it so happens that they can make this not record..they would make sure it doesn't leak out there is something though and it didn't come, it didn't look - it wasn't making an appearance.. it's here, it's with us they can't even hide it.
The secret isn't even hidden...that's the secret...it's not even hiding...
End of audio.
When I get time I will put up a transcription of Krishnamurti's talks, the section that unfolded with this experience.
Around after 8am I started the masticating process of Salvia. Just before the second spoonful, my head was rotating more to the magnetic force - they're behind it.
I tried to leave behind thoughts of the 'signal' and anything earthly to leave it behind and go deep in with this in meditation.
My real self and the reality that was here and there was present. All things crystal clear, only I am confused now and do not even know how to carry on with this post. I am attempting something, to elucidate something and it has completely baffled me.
In that state I was totally aware, of my actual state of being, there were others - I felt pains sensations in the body and became aware of what they really are. I can see everything it was this world and that and through this world we see it but we don't. It is in our face, we are looking at it not knowing that we are. What has been done is that its appearance has changed.
Immediately I knew what clouded it was the seriousness with which we lived, and they begin with desires and thoughts. This was important, things incredibly important were being revealed and yet they have been said countless of times by many. I wanted to take it back in that state as broken as it was - something major was being revealed and I wanted to be able to bring it back in my fractured state to help all those fractured others, to let them in on the great secret.
Its a good thing that I don't live in that complete full awareness and my state remains fractured in a condition of confusion, I have to go through it just to break through it so that I can speak a little about it but my doing anything to help others is just that, to help others. But everyone has to see of their own accord - no one person who wishes to help alleviate the condition which mankind suffers from is able to do this. The only thing I can say is that we need a unitary conscious awareness for something new, the unspeakable and unknowable.
As I went deeper I decided to grab my mp3 player which also has a recorder function. I wanted to record everything as I saw it. I told them that I won't reveal anything, how can I? At that stage it was like the body was being inflicted with more pain.
I turn on the mp3 player, the sound of Krishnamurti's voice vibrated through the speaker. I had last listened to this track and now it was continuing. I was quickly fiddling through while still completely aware, with the one goal that I needed to record everything in detail, everything that was taking place.
My fingers stopped moving as I listened to Krishnamurti, what felt like for the first time.
As this played I looked at the ceiling, everything around me, to what was really occurring. The parts of what I had considered the ceiling light, the play of the light and shadows in the room clearly observing all around me at the same time listening to the crucial moment in the track titled 'holistic observation' like it was all planned out a set up organised specifically for this experience.
I have been listening to Krishnamurti's talks and reading his material for the past 2 years on and off and for the first time I realised he was describing completely this awareness. He was not merely just discussing mans problems and issues and what was required from each of us - he was talking from the awareness that is our natural state.
Every spoken word luminously described what I was seeing and yet to bring those words to what is now considered the ordinary state of mind is like reading a language without knowing it's definition. I have done that, I have learnt Arabic, how to read it but not knowing the definitions of the words I was reading. You can learn a new language, how to read and write it, how to connect vowels with consonants to make up a word but not knowing the definition of these words.
I guess you can say when I was reading Krishnamurti's words I was reading - the definition I found in the direct perception of this awareness.
Here I was with a holistic observation, everything was vibrating to the sound coming out of the player. In a moment I'm going to transcribe the section of the audio that I was listening to.
Krishnamurti transcription (from, transcript, video):
"Until we understand that and go into it very deeply and discover total order, we shall always have disorder in the world. So a serious person is not easily dissuaded from the pursuit of understanding, the pursuit of delving deeply into himself, into his consciousness, not easily persuaded by amusement and entertainment which is perhaps sometimes necessary pursuing consistently every day into the nature of man, that is, into himself, observing what is actually going on within himself. From that observation, action takes place. It is not: what shall I do as a separate human being but an action which comes out of total holistic observation of life. Holistic observation is a healthy, sane, rational, logical, perception that is whole, which is holy. Is it possible for a human being, like any one of us who are laymen, not specialists, laymen, is it possible for him to look at the contradictory, confusing consciousness as a whole; or must he look at each part of it separately?"
I had too deeply listen to this track - in that state it was profound.
I was so completely in that state, I think Krishnamurti lived in this state without ever becoming fractured, all his talks were directed from this state of awareness.
I started to once again fiddle with the recorder wishing to accurately describe everything that was occurring - more importantly my understandings, the insights.
As I speak in the recorder the weather has calmed down and throughout it feels as all that happens because of that state, the sky cleared up and appeared blue and luminous, the light that poured in only added to the life brimming all around me.
Audio track lasts 30 mins:
you don't want this recorded...
....a break whilst I try to gather whether to record it or not....this took near around 8 minutes until finally I spoke...
It's somewhere around us, the thing that we're seeking. Something is different and I...see around me as real, what I really am...Krishnamurti was right.................the awareness is here...........I can tell you what it's like, not allowed to share...........only what they say and they are not saying anything..........I'm not allowed to share this.
Why? Why can't I share this with the other parts?
I have to stop pretending to be real, stop acting stop liking and enjoying things. not supposed to like things or enjoy (I think they're referring to my recent highs). But why?
It is not that you're not supposed to like things, desire things it is just that this is what makes you hold on to that state of mind that makes things appear real...it covers up, the desire, thoughts and wants a...
have to stop- eeeeeeeeeeeeeeh they're doing something to the body. Feet has an unpleasant sensation.
Pain..............just trying to handle it.
I whisper I'm not sharing anything anyways...
The most beautiful thing was the way it played out so beautifully, cinema worthy - so brilliantly put together - it is this mastery that needs to be captured in the movie.
It's amazing, how am I to put something like that in a movie.
I never got to see it by the way, the main thing, (the great secret Salvianauts mention) - it was hiding by the appearances before me. It was just about peering over me as if to look at me from.. hidden by all these things... thing that I'm looking for.. didn't look down...they were masking it.
Oh my god, if the others hear me they'll think I'm crazy...I see it now.
Everything that happens, everything around us the change of light...It's not some other world, like some distant place...you think you're going somewhere travelling onto the other place, right here it's always been here, there's no transporting no vehicle to get on to see what's already here.
The ceiling the play of the sun light - its really dramatic, almost.. almost feels like when someone watches a movie for the first time on a cinema screen...this is wow...being in the movie...seeing for yourself how amazing, in the movie as a character suddenly ..I don't know get taken over by the role then you just wake up to the setting the thing that made the light, the thing that made the wind appear as that..
....garbled mumblings... Krishnamurti track, how it just came out, that was just so........., coming back slowly...
...they can do things to the body , and the body isn't what we think it is but being back here in the body they can actually....ohaha uh! put me in pain ..they can cause the body to have some kind of pain uggh! I'm not allowed to divulge any kind of secret but I have just outlined something that..
What I've just outlined here I'm not going to share so fully........because I can't. How can I share this, I can't share this - I only hope someone experiences it.
Okay...so it is not real...our little drama. Like Krishnamurti has said...we're not looking with that consciousness...Oh my god! how it came about that understanding how everything was just so seamless I can't say anything more..
I promised them I won't tell and even if I were to tell what would anybody understand anyways. Krishnamurti did it, he described everything. He was describing it, oh my god he described it! He did it, he was using ordinary words, he sat there talking, talking on and on about it and nobody sees it. He described it.
They've pinched my nose I don't care
My nose is so stuffed they're changing something, I'm not even telling anyone about the secret, catching my breath.....what are you doing? sniff....sniff....sniffles ok oh my god they've stuffed up my nose they stuffed up my breathing and it's not just the breathing they've just changed the way the body operates wow wow wow.....I can feel sensations in the legs I can feel movement...
What I got earlier on from the very start of this experience:
don't take things for real, don't take experiences for real the things we do, don't take them for real it's desires and thoughts it not like its something bad that these things stop us from spiritual growth/experience and understanding.
It's these desires, these thoughts shroud you in blindness everything that makes you blind is just dirt it's just things and I'm watching it in live stream.
The cloud dissipating, the sky is blue now the suns out I'm not getting up I'm not opening my blinds I'm just looking at the light coming through.
I guess you could say...I'm not going to try look at what it is...that I didn't get to see what was hidden by them, it was not that it was hidden by them and there was one thing, that it was hidden...
There's a good reason for the hiding keeping it secret, why people can't see it. Is there a reason? is there a reason to hide something that is right in our face anyways, its just there all along?
I never ... I didn't just see it, I just saw with that consciousness, oh my god... Krishnamurti described it all, he says the description isn't the described, the described isn't the description something like that something isn't something.
Just what he was saying that it was so seamless with what I was experiencing all was unfolding... Oh my... this mp3 player has Krishnamurti stored in it and his words as it vibrated out of the player and how it was just seamlessly stitched into this part of the garment, I can see the pattern unfolding.
I can't describe this I'm not even sharing the way it is meant to be shared.
The movie...oh please... the movie has to be that this movie at least uncovers that part, the seamlessness, this uncovering is important.
It's amazing, amazing to see what he spoke of whilst it was unfolding right before my eyes as the track was playing, he was spot on, every little detail, every little bit.
The peception is closing now, but the sensations are there the physical body sensations, the light flickering, the sky, the light, the way the lighting was percieved how the sky clouds, how it moved.
Have to recall this need to not take things seriously, see the drama don't get caught up in the role. This was the most crucial understanding. The dreams the desires the thoughts, do not get absorbed...
In the playing field recently things that have happened my highs the things that have excited me being caught up...
I was supposed to close my eyes, relax, not grab my recorder not record anything they can end the process.
It is up to this other state, this other state determines what happens here physically, what happens there is what is taking place here. It's there but here, it's here in the physical surrounding there's a way to see it all...
We need to have this awareness, but it's not a matter of getting it or attaining it , we're not trying to get something, it's already here but because we are all so taken over by everything dreams, thoughts, desires and how it all just creates this strong grip tying us down.
I hope this is recording, looking down on the player 29 minutes... it so happens that they can make this not record..they would make sure it doesn't leak out there is something though and it didn't come, it didn't look - it wasn't making an appearance.. it's here, it's with us they can't even hide it.
The secret isn't even hidden...that's the secret...it's not even hiding...
End of audio.
When I get time I will put up a transcription of Krishnamurti's talks, the section that unfolded with this experience.
Sunday, 27 October 2013
The Signal
This has been picking on my mind. I had an experience with Salvia some time ago that has returned to the surface which I recall vividly, will provide link when I find it.
Basically in the experience I perceived to be as usual my real self, but I had connected with all the self of what seemed like the entire of mankind. Every living being at that time was uniting as one singular awareness. As this occurred there was a signal, can't recall how the signal came about whether I heard it or felt it - there was definitely another sense - perhaps it was all senses operating at the same time.
All I knew was the signal was important, and it doesn't occur just in that state even in our ordinary physical consciousness something is emitting this signal - only problem is nobody is actually tuning in let alone listening. I think something like this was shown in the movie Contact.
The important part is that everyone united in this way hears it at the same time, it seems this is essential. I believe this signal may be the same signal Robert Monroe was referring to in his later books. Will provide an excerpt later. I think there's also The Ringing Cedars series where Anastasia makes a reference to this signal.
You might consider that because I read books and watched a movie referring to this signal my mind is playing tricks and bringing that to the surface. But consider this, the clues are left in the things we see in everyday life as if someone deliberately left them there.
I intend to explore with Salvia again when the time feels right. One thing I have noticed is that each time I'm there they always ask what I wish for, somehow they want me to produce thoughts that is requesting something of them. It is as though they can't do anything until I ask a question or make some kind of statement. I am left confused when this happen especially when the ego is lurking there like a shadow - the phantom in the room and naturally from here I make unusual requests things that baffle them they cannot compute when the request is made from my limited ego sense. A fluctuation between real self and ego.
When I am fully my actual self no questions arise, nothing arises it is almost as if everything is perfect and there is a sense of all things being hopeless here in our physical world drama.
I need to play around with this. One thing that I have to do when taking Salvia is let my mind be completely still, the silence itself is like an invisibility cloak so I'm hoping the entities will not be paying much attention - have to go beyond them.
The difficult part is not letting the ego suddenly take over, but it has its place. I don't think the ego is a menace to get rid of, but it needs to lose its sense of importance and governance over the realm of thoughts.
I have to come back with the ineffability of the experience and the ego which is simply a thought process needs to rearrange itself according to that so that when the transference occurs words are not lost in symbols.
Basically in the experience I perceived to be as usual my real self, but I had connected with all the self of what seemed like the entire of mankind. Every living being at that time was uniting as one singular awareness. As this occurred there was a signal, can't recall how the signal came about whether I heard it or felt it - there was definitely another sense - perhaps it was all senses operating at the same time.
All I knew was the signal was important, and it doesn't occur just in that state even in our ordinary physical consciousness something is emitting this signal - only problem is nobody is actually tuning in let alone listening. I think something like this was shown in the movie Contact.
The important part is that everyone united in this way hears it at the same time, it seems this is essential. I believe this signal may be the same signal Robert Monroe was referring to in his later books. Will provide an excerpt later. I think there's also The Ringing Cedars series where Anastasia makes a reference to this signal.
You might consider that because I read books and watched a movie referring to this signal my mind is playing tricks and bringing that to the surface. But consider this, the clues are left in the things we see in everyday life as if someone deliberately left them there.
I intend to explore with Salvia again when the time feels right. One thing I have noticed is that each time I'm there they always ask what I wish for, somehow they want me to produce thoughts that is requesting something of them. It is as though they can't do anything until I ask a question or make some kind of statement. I am left confused when this happen especially when the ego is lurking there like a shadow - the phantom in the room and naturally from here I make unusual requests things that baffle them they cannot compute when the request is made from my limited ego sense. A fluctuation between real self and ego.
When I am fully my actual self no questions arise, nothing arises it is almost as if everything is perfect and there is a sense of all things being hopeless here in our physical world drama.
I need to play around with this. One thing that I have to do when taking Salvia is let my mind be completely still, the silence itself is like an invisibility cloak so I'm hoping the entities will not be paying much attention - have to go beyond them.
The difficult part is not letting the ego suddenly take over, but it has its place. I don't think the ego is a menace to get rid of, but it needs to lose its sense of importance and governance over the realm of thoughts.
I have to come back with the ineffability of the experience and the ego which is simply a thought process needs to rearrange itself according to that so that when the transference occurs words are not lost in symbols.
Saturday, 26 October 2013
Powerful Intentions for the Dream
I wish I could record the thoughts that come spontaneously in live stream.
This morning I got into a discussion with my sister regarding a dream me and my other sisters have. It is a family project, they don't realize it but I'm actually using it as an experiment.
The discussion made me realize something as we etched out the plans, we were deliberately each adding to the dream. Talking about it each step of the way and it is something that we all see as solid, and I'm surprised how positive they have been. The positive energy is charging it in a way we each see it as something that is done, already exists as a potential that only needs to manifest.
So we were doing a lot of talking but at the same time something else was going on in the mind. Another layer screening through, there I thought about dreams and how they manifest. Our dream (me and the sisters) started off with a thought and it spread out, and as it takes shape I see the ripple effects and I see that the dream itself is some kind of effect from another dream.
The seed is planted and the roots have established yet from here I see not only the trunk but the branches, twigs leaves and even the fruits of that tree. but for both of us it wasn't that it was an outcome to take place in some future time, it exists now.
I see how the story of the past actively contributed to the outcome as if interwoven within the dream. We both saw how each of our skill sets were meant to be, that what we were involved with in the past has contributed to what we are now doing. How everyone involved right now had to go through a particular phase in order for this probability to manifest, to make its appearance. That is what the little dream is, a probabilitiy out of the pool of inifinite probabilities.
All the things unfolding was like a jigsaw puzzles - the pieces are connecting creating the bigger picture.
It's really like seeing the process of karma face to face or another adequate description would be seeing the domino effect, or the ripple effect.
Our conversation was the general mundane stuff most people discuss but I was learning something very significant from it.
It got deeper when I mentioned how its so important that what we do, contributes somehow to mankind. We don't want to establish ourselves only to live a lavish lifestyle, it must mean something more than that. She responded immediately with the idea of setting up a charity, her and another sister have already decided on this. Their aim being to help those stuck in poverty, to help the sick and especially to do something about the corruption in third world countries in order to alleviate the suffering of these poor people. She mentioned that her desire was to set a school up in a particular third world country to give opportunity to these poor souls a chance to get educated. My honest opinion is, wow! don't we already have thousands if not a million of these and how have they helped?
I couldn't understand it, it was almost as if I was seriously being tested. Here was a do gooder, and I think this quality is naturally built in with all beings, to help alleviate the suffering of the world. It is a worthy cause the charities spoken of but only if you look at the surface. I wasn't looking at the surface, going deeper into it I saw that these actions no matter how well meaning they appear only actively contributed to the problem. Outwardly you will see some significant improvement - someone somewhere just might not starve for at least one night, someone might get educated and so on. But deep down it was contributing to the problem at large. And the problem at large is this, that humans do not even know what the problem or condition is, they do not even know what they are suffering from.
The human suffering is this - not knowing who we are and pretending to be something we are not. This is the only suffering and all else a delusion created by our false characters, the roles we play.
So how do I myself help others now understanding my own condition, having seen what the condition is and knowing who I really am - how do I help others see it, and help them break through their own suffering.
I only get glimpses of this, it does not remain. My condition somehow takes over again, think of it as a cancer relapse.
Yet when the veil lifts for even just a second, I am cured of everything - nothing can perturb the mind. This is the original state, our natural state and there is no denying it.
This is just a mini dream version of the big dream.
You know the big dream in which we are all characters, this dream has many layers of other dreams each dream having some kind of ripple effect.There is something calling now, it seems to be coming from the big dream to emit something through the little dream and focusing on the probabilities I saw a potential, a probability that if manifested can awaken mankind.
I read another blog about Salvia experiences and randomly going through the post there was mention of a movie, the desire for Hollywood movie depicting the Salvia state.
I had a similar desire, an urge to have the effects of Salvia somehow portrayed in a movie at that time nothing solid was thought of it, it was a bubble of thought not yet pulsating with life. Now my absolute desire is this, to make a movie that will not be about awakening it most likely will not even be about Salvia but the effect of watching it will be equivalent of a Salvia trip, the equivalent to waking up.
Honestly, I see this now that my current intentions, the dream with which I'm starting is headed in this direction. The metaphorical fruit that I see on the tree is this movie.
This morning I got into a discussion with my sister regarding a dream me and my other sisters have. It is a family project, they don't realize it but I'm actually using it as an experiment.
The discussion made me realize something as we etched out the plans, we were deliberately each adding to the dream. Talking about it each step of the way and it is something that we all see as solid, and I'm surprised how positive they have been. The positive energy is charging it in a way we each see it as something that is done, already exists as a potential that only needs to manifest.
So we were doing a lot of talking but at the same time something else was going on in the mind. Another layer screening through, there I thought about dreams and how they manifest. Our dream (me and the sisters) started off with a thought and it spread out, and as it takes shape I see the ripple effects and I see that the dream itself is some kind of effect from another dream.
The seed is planted and the roots have established yet from here I see not only the trunk but the branches, twigs leaves and even the fruits of that tree. but for both of us it wasn't that it was an outcome to take place in some future time, it exists now.
I see how the story of the past actively contributed to the outcome as if interwoven within the dream. We both saw how each of our skill sets were meant to be, that what we were involved with in the past has contributed to what we are now doing. How everyone involved right now had to go through a particular phase in order for this probability to manifest, to make its appearance. That is what the little dream is, a probabilitiy out of the pool of inifinite probabilities.
All the things unfolding was like a jigsaw puzzles - the pieces are connecting creating the bigger picture.
It's really like seeing the process of karma face to face or another adequate description would be seeing the domino effect, or the ripple effect.
Our conversation was the general mundane stuff most people discuss but I was learning something very significant from it.
It got deeper when I mentioned how its so important that what we do, contributes somehow to mankind. We don't want to establish ourselves only to live a lavish lifestyle, it must mean something more than that. She responded immediately with the idea of setting up a charity, her and another sister have already decided on this. Their aim being to help those stuck in poverty, to help the sick and especially to do something about the corruption in third world countries in order to alleviate the suffering of these poor people. She mentioned that her desire was to set a school up in a particular third world country to give opportunity to these poor souls a chance to get educated. My honest opinion is, wow! don't we already have thousands if not a million of these and how have they helped?
I couldn't understand it, it was almost as if I was seriously being tested. Here was a do gooder, and I think this quality is naturally built in with all beings, to help alleviate the suffering of the world. It is a worthy cause the charities spoken of but only if you look at the surface. I wasn't looking at the surface, going deeper into it I saw that these actions no matter how well meaning they appear only actively contributed to the problem. Outwardly you will see some significant improvement - someone somewhere just might not starve for at least one night, someone might get educated and so on. But deep down it was contributing to the problem at large. And the problem at large is this, that humans do not even know what the problem or condition is, they do not even know what they are suffering from.
The human suffering is this - not knowing who we are and pretending to be something we are not. This is the only suffering and all else a delusion created by our false characters, the roles we play.
So how do I myself help others now understanding my own condition, having seen what the condition is and knowing who I really am - how do I help others see it, and help them break through their own suffering.
I only get glimpses of this, it does not remain. My condition somehow takes over again, think of it as a cancer relapse.
Yet when the veil lifts for even just a second, I am cured of everything - nothing can perturb the mind. This is the original state, our natural state and there is no denying it.
This is just a mini dream version of the big dream.
You know the big dream in which we are all characters, this dream has many layers of other dreams each dream having some kind of ripple effect.There is something calling now, it seems to be coming from the big dream to emit something through the little dream and focusing on the probabilities I saw a potential, a probability that if manifested can awaken mankind.
I read another blog about Salvia experiences and randomly going through the post there was mention of a movie, the desire for Hollywood movie depicting the Salvia state.
I had a similar desire, an urge to have the effects of Salvia somehow portrayed in a movie at that time nothing solid was thought of it, it was a bubble of thought not yet pulsating with life. Now my absolute desire is this, to make a movie that will not be about awakening it most likely will not even be about Salvia but the effect of watching it will be equivalent of a Salvia trip, the equivalent to waking up.
Honestly, I see this now that my current intentions, the dream with which I'm starting is headed in this direction. The metaphorical fruit that I see on the tree is this movie.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)