Hemi Sync Gateway Expereince Returns

From two days ago I have had the urge to listen to the Hemi Sync Gateway Experience. Yesterday listened to focus 10 track, interestingly despite not relaxing deeply and doing the resonant tuning exercise vocally there were instant energy wave sensations, lower abdomen digestive system was definitely doing something. Legs arms tingled, major goosebumps present. There were sudden jolts, its like the audio signals are more effective than before or I am simply more tuned into the waves of energy. Perhaps over time I have become 'sensitive'. As a result I woke up at 4am, has happened many times with hemi sync. When I woke up there was major fluttering around peripheral vision which was something that became permanent from Salvia use and for a while it was mild until this morning. This morning I felt I could go into a Salvia trip without using the herb and I am not looking forward to that happening randomly feeling that that is what is in store for me, I could only imagine myself ending up in an institution.

Will continue with the program.

Some New Years Eve Rambling

Only a few hours left till 2013 and here I am with a new blog post. Times have changed and with that so has my personality. I don't really want to write about the changes but I think I'm either going on some ego trip or something, but I don't judge it and allow those parts to just come out. On some rare occasions I would actually notice how drastically I have changed. Not all changes are bad - I definitely feel more confident in general - I can take on whatever is thrown at me.

I've already mapped out the next two years of my life which as always is subject to change. I have placed myself on a path which helps me to realize a very important goal - the goal is really a vision, a dream and it is something similar to what can be found in the Ringing Cedars Series by Vladimir Megre. In a nut shell I am trying to set up an eco village but that label is so small to how big and expansive the vision really is. Right now I am on funding and planning mode. I think this has to be the most significant change taking place within - previously I was drawn to mystical spiritual aspects, dabbling in astral projections and meditation and all that - now I am more earth oriented. The spiritual aspect is always there but mixed with a dab of earthliness.

This blog will continue to be mostly focused on metaphysical spiritual elements but from time to time I may update progress of my dream of an eco village.

I feel that the society you and I live in is deeply flawed but there are people who all over the world see this and  are making real lasting changes which benefit mankind and the planet. Initially my plan was to completely remove myself from the 'system' and withdraw into the nature that already existed, but clearly it's not enough and once again not only must I remain but I have to become a part of that system. I seem to be called to something much bigger. I hope that in 2013 everyone moves closer to their true calling.

I wish everyone, every little bug, every animal, creatures of all kinds, entities, spirits, ghosts, aliens, star people, indigos, faeries, pleiadians, nature, every atom down to the minutest cell and all of the Universe a very very very Happy New Year!

Sexual Predator

Since recent salvia session, experiences of a sexual nature are increasing. This morning was disturbing and I won't go into too much detail as it is far too personal. I woke up early about 4 or 5 am and could not sleep until much later slowly relaxed. Initially it started off with me becoming aware of a change in scenery. I was in a room but not my bedroom, a dark living room maybe. A man appears and I seem to know him - he tells me agitatedly why I made him speak English, why I have given him language - odd...

I was irritated by his presence and got a very sexual predatory vibe from. Told him to go away that he is not wanted here. Just when I think he's left he has actually gotten closer and from there everything else was sexual. It felt way too real, when I opened eyes I breathed a sigh of relief.

Sleepless Night and a Sexual Awakening

Could not sleep at all last night - I think it was from 4am - still pitch black outside. There was a glimmering star and for a while I stared at it. Eventually by 6am tried to relax and slowly dozed off only to be alerted to a change in my room - a kind of false awakening. Then I lifted up what seemed to be made up legs. They were made up because they were not solid but almost cartoonish and when I imagined them to be lifted up they'd raise up. Same with the arms. Then I felt a presence, it seemed to be hugging me, wrapping itself around me and all of a sudden there was sexual intercourse and I thought perhaps it's an incubus but beyond that I was too aroused. I recall making sounds and saying something then worrying if anyone can hear me.

This has happened before and I do wonder what this other presence is. A creation of the mind? Some say there's a Beloved - and I still question all of that despite having felt it. My mood has been very bad lately and I wonder if that has anything to do with it plus I used Salvia other day perhaps I opened a kind of portal that allowed this energy to be present. There is another thing that occurred from yesterday, if I am quiet and relaxed enough faces form within closed eyes but they are not images in the mind think of it as faces carved within the actual flesh of the eyes - they are a part of what I perceive as the flesh of my body.

Salvia After Bad Mood

From Tuesday my mood has been very sour, complex emotions and just plain debilitating. The incident left me angry to grieving to I don't know what. It was just plain disturbing, losing sleep even felt quite dizzy and sick yesterday - stopped eating for 2 days.

The incident constantly escalating in my mind - it was almost enough to make me want to get away from this kind of life and the people I'm around.
I recall at some point with all the hurt feelings that the pain escalated to the presence, the warmth and radiation which I once felt from something that personifies a Father figure. I cried and realized that was the hidden pain in all my pains - I asked how it could refuse me and I remembered the other beings who supported that presence and made me return to the stage.

Angry at their rejection of me by Wednesday afternoon I really needed to seriously understand what was going on and decided it was time to get the Salvia out. By the time I drained the re-hydrated leaves it was such a small amount I didn't expect anything from it. As I was going through the effects of the plant the issues were running in my mind but I was still much calmer. The beings opened up in a different way I can't describe it. Awareness and perception were different, a presence was there but it was not like the other presence I have felt previously - something different about it. I had to be very careful with my anger which was brewing a storm.

Something major was occurring in the nostrils - almost like the breath of life was detaching from the body via the nose. It was an odd sensation and there was no breathing yet the body was still functioning on a different level.

There was an understanding regarding a particular section of one of the Upanishads - spoken of a specific person that if he should think or say your head to fall off it will. My anger was tamed, I wished no harm on the people who have hurt me. The energies of my family members were present. It was raining outside and via some perception I could observe the beings/ energies causing drip drop sounds - it was musical. Amazing, I saw them beating to it and listening very intently it was soothing. I knew I could put in a particular kind of melody and they would create it with the droplets its just about building a rapport with them. I can perceive their dancing, it was wonderful. Wow, something else I can reveal to others. I kept thinking how I will reveal it to others, and the music is not only in rain droplets - in the wind, the howling and thunders music is everywhere. One has to be really silent and open to hear it.

Right now leaving this life behind away from people I don't get along with anymore nor the social structure is an option - I can do it, nothing really stopping me and then a part of me wishes to remain and finish a particular study after which I get an easy job and can save enough to properly plan out a new community like a kins domain mentioned in Ringing Cedar Series. In deep with Salvia though it was revealed to me anything is possible, anything I wish or desire is done. I'm going to listen to natural music more often, especially when it rains sometimes just sit beside the window and listen to the storm.

Die-Off Dreams

I am going through a major parasite die off period once again much like last year. With this experience I've come to understand dreams or should I say nightmares that are just plain whacky and I think are associated with body and mind healing.

As of recently dreams are first of all are being recalled since prior to this I feel there was nothing occurring during sleep time.

Anyways this morning I had an unpleasant dream, where my rage was uncontainable. Just at moment when I woke up my teeth was clenched hard but no pressure. I was concerned thinking I must've chipped my teeth real bad from all that pressure.

It also happens that last night there was a generation of parasites exiting and I think there's no need to share in which direction they left. I have also been super hungry lately constantly eating whatever I could shove in my mouth with great ease, in particular I crave lots of fat. Fortunately not fried fats but raw healthy fats, egg yolks, cheese, pistachios, coconut, ghee(usually this fat is a last resort if there's no other fat). It seems that suddenly overnight my appetite has gone bonkers. Another rather odd symptom is I just want to lay down all day long, being still doing nothing unless my appetite is calling me. All I want to do is not do anything, at least nothing physical. On some occasions I have felt like dancing but it's not how it used to be, can't describe it. Nothing to do with lack of energy, the energy is there it seems it wants to be reserved for something else.

Last night however I had a sudden what I would call 'sleeping spell'. I was falling asleep rather too quickly, head just nodding off. Not due to exhaustion as that would have come on gradually, this was sudden and taking effect instantly.

When I woke up from todays whacky dream, there was that fluttering all around me in the darkness and feeling aroused.

Haven't started the fasting phase just yet.

Wolf-Bird

Dream starts off with me near garden door. Open door sense an animal nearby. See the most beautiful looking wolf staring back. Some fear mounts as I approach it but the wolf seems more afraid of me. I try to call it forward all the while scared, it slows down a little and approaches slowly carefully standing quietly. Face to face I see clearly now that the wolf is part bird with a peculiar beak – very sharp and dangerous looking. This creature, so beautiful yet scary at the same time. I stroke the beak with some bravery. It has formed some kind of attachment to me and this seems to bother me since I am still a little afraid. What in case it suddenly attacks me out of nowhere, animals have been known to suddenly go wild. It acts a lot more gentle and calm but I think perhaps I should just whack its beak – it will get scared and run off. Dream sequence changes, I have a feather that belongs to the wolf-bird – orangish brown tints and fluffy unlike any feather. I show it to friends and tell them about the amazing magical creature I met in the garden.

The Kid Bus Driver

In this dream I'm on a bus- kid driving, ask others do you want a kid to drive you about town. I'm pissed off and get other people to realize the dangers of a kid driving. 

Fading out

Last night I was in a mode of complete appreciation, expressing my gratitude to the universe. I felt peace, harmony and a deep love for all. Somewhere in appreciation I asked the Universe to help me with certain abilities I was aware of in Salvia states - namely projecting into the reality around me. This sudden outburst of joyful gratitude may have also caused the snake dream.

After the snake flames dream around  4ish am I relaxed and soon was aware of AP state. Body rotates counterclockwise to the right side of room in the corner. Body shifts downwards, slight blindness. Remain relaxed and silent. Suddenly I'm floating upwards and there is this sense of looking down. I see the rows of houses that look very toylike. There is the feel of a fading away, electrical glitch like. Each house starts to disappear and I know this is the ending process so that something very new was about to form or take place - the reality that I was seeing was like a computer game simulation. I was calmly waiting for it and recall is little hazy here - after this the only thing I recall is feeling and hearing the breathing in my physical body - surprised that it was still very alert, not quite in sleep mode. There was that orgasm type massage in centre of forehead.

Snake Flames

A snake dream must share. First in the dream I am accompanied by my niece who seems older. She is cooking a meat dish and I remind her that I don't eat meat. She then cooks a big dense pancake and I try to find the words to politely tell her I also do not eat crap. Suddenly a cousin shows up, she wants a dustpan and the scene evolves to me finding a quirky looking tall dustpan that comes with a plastic translucent shield. Her sister then shows up, in the kitchen she places a snake on the stove and starts the fire. I move away afraid of the snake knowing it will come after me.

The snake seems to be taking long to burn off, somehow appears resistant to fire. As the fear mounts that this snake is after me some part of me really wants the snake to hurry up and die. Suddenly snake falls to ground unhurt - I hide quickly. It is going up a flight of stairs where cousin who was handling the snake picks it up to put it back on. It escapes and finds me - fortunately I wake up at this stage. Only a short while later I feel next time to surrender - I know the message of the snake and especially when it is associated with fire is significant in relation to kundalini awakening.

Dreams and Morning Company

In the dream I'm in a forest but think it to be my garden. I see a brown squirrel - in reality I was reading an article yesterday about how the brown squirrel is rare in Britain and the greys are disliked by most gardeners. The squirrel is so adorable, I got closer unlike in reality this squirrel isn't running away. I stroke it gently but manages to squirm away.

Moving along there's a pear tree and my eldest sister is suddenly present. I tell her we should harvest the pears - in reality there's a wild pear tree I walk by often and just yesterday checked that the seasonable food this month are pears. In the dream the pears are unusually large, I grab one realizing it's rotting. Suddenly notice a spider crawling and it gets on my hand. I throw the pear trying to shake of the spider which is a tan colour. It keeps pulling itself up on me through its web. I am lying down on the ground trying to shake it off but it seems persistent.

Have looked into totem symbology and honestly I am not sure if the messages have any significance anymore. It seems any totem can apply to me at any time and correlate with life circumstance.

I woke up from the spider dream relieved at about 4am. When I opened eyes visual of dark shadows around eyes and internal shaking. Empty bladder and an hour later try to fall asleep.

I am suddenly aware of the physical body and feel a thumping in root area which feels like sexual intercourse. I seem to have enough control to not let the sensations overtake me or release the energy. I find myself suddenly conjuring up a song, making up the words in Hindi and perhaps English as well. I was in awe with the song and the melody, creating it in that moment. Dozed off and when I opened eyes felt groggy like I could sleep forever yet there was some sexual arousal still present.

Recent Salvia Sessions - Return of the Orgasm

The Night Time Salvia
From Sunday night I felt the urge suddenly to try the Salvia once more before fasting experiment and it has been illuminating.

First off the session was held in a very noisy environment so I knew there was going to be interference and secondly I rolled up quids this time, so no chewing crumbled leaves. It is more work and eventually when I got to the third quid chewing became tough, bodily sensations intensifying, a sensitivity which would be hard to live with if it were constant.

In the earlier sessions there was more intensity so somehow getting accustomed to it. There was awareness of all kinds of beings. Particularly focused inside the body - I call them the 'body beings'. Going deeper in the unravelling, reality ending outwardly and in the inward focus we were going somewhere. As the external world was ending the physical body and its senses were also slowly shutting down. I was blended in that blending, and it was all happening so neatly when all of a sudden I had the urge to move physical body slightly. All the others snapped out of what they were doing and focused on me. I felt another very nearby to me and sensed slight maybe a slight agitation or perhaps it was really coming from. Honestly I was incredibly disappointed in my self, how could I move knowing that it was important to be still - I guess I keep forgetting, especially using this plant after long time.

Beings converging near sexual organs and I remember how very little privacy I have anymore. There are several female beings hovering above ceiling and they have been coming out from within and the without of physical body somehow involved in my latest activities (day to day things and personal stuff). The beings felt like discarnate spirits and maybe some souls with actual living physical counterparts. I've been reading a book on Buddhism and slowly some things I read in the book made sense. I open eyes and see them externally, slight hints of them.

I close eyes again and slowly going deeper once again within the physical body, I feel I could still move even deeper and again the world is ending externally. Suddenly the vacuum is started, I sense one sister cleaning up and the other one is present. Lately I told them an issue I'm having with one brother, something we've all been talking about but I sense them telling him how I mentioned something and it upset him deeply. I felt the anger the reactions and everything all the while unbelievably angry at my sisters. Realized relatives are always the ones to interrupt sessions but the interruption reveals something even deeper. That deep down they do not want me to go deeper. In a flash suddenly the world was ending without a care and in a second the sound of a vacuum caused me to focus externally once again. I had unfinished business - to correct all my errors. I grabbed the Buddhism  book so that I can show them things I will practice. I was slightly disoriented placed the book beside pillow and relaxed. Breathing took on a new quality. The exhale hit the duvet near chin and that air deflected back on to my face - and it all had this living quality to it.

Something keeps happening with the nose, keeps being lifted and a weird moving sensation.

I was somewhat agitated by this experience for some reason not happy about the sudden entrance of the female beings as if they are being to intrusive. I slowly let the effects wear out.

Morning Salvia
This session is far too personal to relay here as was the previous session and after both of these sessions I wondered how I will write about these experiences.

I'll start off by saying that for almost two weeks now I have been feeling immensely aroused, usually almost immediately upon waking up. Now I don't know if it may have to do with suddenly sleeping naked for past two weeks(it is so relaxing), and I have wondered why I don't orgasm like in that special Salvia way.

Awareness of beings who had something to do with the digestive system I realized some were involved in my food cravings, in particular met the beings who have been recently dictating my pistachio cravings. Insights and awareness into my latest cravings, tastes and habits came at such speed it was all taking place at once. I also had this craving for idli and started to understand it more clearly.

There is a smell that is strong and I find it distasteful - someone in the house frying something.

There were beings huddling in the sexual organs, waiting for something I realized it was for my touch. And inside within the body I could see what or how my touch appeared to them. I realized the group was different - I opened eyes and beings were spreading the news. Suddenly my awareness came upon a group that I was familiar with - this group I would call the 'orgasm group.' They were male, mostly young and they were calling a slightly higher group, mostly seeming to be older. The older group has taken an interest - I am not looking about the ceiling or walls but I can sense their movement. Eventually there is that explosive orgasm and I know now it has to do with these two groups - it seems to be their specialty.

Awareness fades out and there's still that head rocking, thumping and throbbing. The tailbone rattles and there is a concentrated thumping and throbbing.

Right now I'm thinking about Science, the arduous studies of biology and all that has ruined every aspect of the natural world by naming and categorizing every aspect of living organisms. In the world of Science these little fellas would be categorized into the group of sex hormones.

Some speculations
The human body is a concentrated version of the universe at large. Obviously there is more to the body than physical matter and other elemental aspects.

Everything within the Universe is composed of beingness, all beings are entertwined and the parts form the whole, everything connected. Universe is so diverse in beings that within each being is an infinite number of worlds composed by infinite number of beings who then in turn contain infinite number of worlds continuing infinitely. Even thoughts are beings and perhaps it all boils down to this, beings are energy.

One can communicate with each cell in this diverse Universe thereby changing the output. For eg. I can speak with the cells of my own body to do something in particular, in fact I plan to experiment with this. One can communicate with the elements and get a response or a command performed. It has nothing to do with faith just as faith is not necessary for the simple task of walking or any other action.

The Death Chronicle

For the next Salvia session I plan to fast for a week. Fasting for a week without food and only liquids will be quite a mission but I intend to do it, besides it frees me from the burden of having to prep meals everyday and I think I seriously need a detox especially after the damage I've caused today. I might do a papaya cleanse.

Anyways the point is the clearer the 'passageways' are within the physical body the easier the Salvia ride. I have noticed my earlier Salvia session were far more interesting and were slowly building up to climax and once they reached that point it felt like things were going downhill. I have been losing interest not wanting to phase out to those states.

I actually want to go back to those earlier adventures, those interesting little ones that to me were friends and then the other friend who seemed to be experimenting on physical body. I guess I would like to perceive them again and explore.

I know the issue with the newer experiences is that 'they' know that I'm about to arrive in that other world (which is basically this world in another format) and when I do it often feels like they have been waiting from my last session and it would carry off from that point. In the earlier experiences no beings knew about this, most of the others would often carry a shocked expression. This is why going into the inner worlds have been so difficult since I'm so stuck here with these guys.

I do still go through the death process in those sessions, maybe I'm wrong about the others considering them to be a nuisance since I do recall in a recent experience where the life process here was ending and I stopped it because of that 'there is still so much left to do' feeling which I'm sure all dying people go through.

I know that wherever life is calling me to I need to die before I actually physically die to get there - So I need to decide and act as if my days are numbered (which when I think it about it they actually are). I need to make the necessary arrangements (sorting out wills and last wishes and all that), then leaving behind possessions and all earthly concerns and get to that place because that is the only way I know how to get there, being without a thing not only externally but internally. It is easier to give up all the external things, but the content of the mind is the hardest to let go since it seems to play out all by itself. All my attachments will be let go of one by one (and I have many so this could take years).

Lets just say I'm getting in the role of a dying person, as an example I am a cancer patient and my condition is terminal meaning no hope for survival. So from today slowly slowly I will have nothing left, no possessions of any kind, mental and material. I will be documenting this process as I go along. I do wonder does it really have to be a process, why not let go of all of it in this moment? Will be pondering this question.

Cardiac Ward

Dream

I am in the hospital, one of my brother has been admitted for a cardiac procedure. I recall being in a similar ward when I had to go with my dad for his angioplasty, this time I sense brother is having same procedure. He has eaten a piece of bread forgetting that food was not allowed until after the procedure. And for the next few moments I stress about this, thinking maybe we shouldn't tell the doctors.

To my right there is another bed with a woman lying down next to a very frail fragile looking skinny man. I gather the man is her father. He has a very Indian look although Caucasian. She tells me about him, how he is vegetarian and very spiritual. I feel the urge to put my palms together and greet him with a namaste. He has a heart condition and in my awareness is filled with the ideas that fatty foods can be lethal for skinny people and that somehow applies to me. Although I have been eating healthier fats I need to seriously cut down on the dose. On very rare family occasions I spiral downwards and end up doing a lot of emotional eating ven reaching out for bad fats.
Lately my appetite has increased so much and I feel it may be due to some kind of stress. I have been feeling low and I need to try to understand why and just get to the bottom of it.

Rib Pain and In the Song

Last night did a quick nasal cleanse with neti pot and had an unusual craving for cheese and pickled onions which was bad because the pickles had preservatives that I am trying to avoid seeing it in the refrigerator triggered craving, maybe even feeling a bit down. A short while later I had the most incredible pain around reproductive organs and more lower down, felt like everything inside was being twisted. Off to bed I went at around 11. I am in the SP state and it is dark but I think its early morning as they are more common during those hours. I panic lifting my right arm, I can see the movement in right hand and fingers as I try to get attention from a family member whom I see in the room. At one point I feel they have approached me. I'm amazed right now as I look back how afraid I felt being in that state, perhpas because it has been a long time and now to suddenly be in that state was a bit of a shock. The feeling of presence lingering nearby did not help. I was making weird crying sounds, I was delirious and when I felt sister approaching I wished she hadn't realizing the state would pass and was making myself look like an idiot.

Something else was there, there was a plunge in the chest and my ribs hurt as if they were being pulled apart. I begged them to stop, the pain was too much. Soon lost awareness of pain and ended up being sucked in deep in a kind of music world. In this music arena I was being sung through, I can't remember the words but I remember trying to put in some of my input which actually was spoiling the original song. Cannot recall words clearly but it was definitely a hindi song. Suddenly eyes opened, gasped for some air and I was in my bed. I thought it might be about 4 or 5am, was a little shocked when the phone showed 1:50 am. I was even more surprised with my attitude in the experience. I guess it wasn't so much the fear but the sudden shock of the experience. These types of experiences have not happened for quite some time. Perhaps the pain around the chest in the ribs is a sign of things to come.

The other day when communicating with the 'other' energy I gave permission for a clearer opening pretty much asking whether I could be in the background and just go to sleep while it was in the foreground which might have been incredibly dumb of me. At the time I was exhuasted, fed up of existence.

I do feel though whatever is there has no intention of causing harm and pretty much leave it at that until I feel otherwise.

Back to sleep with endless frames of vivid almost lucid dreams. Tailbone thumping with greater force, sexual arousals have once again amped up. In the morning the pain around reproductive organs disappeared.

AP/Salvia type experience

A few days ago early morning after UT drink I relaxed and then dozed off. Soon enough faces started emerging. I felt to be somewhere downstairs, news that my sister in-laws brother was here but one I have never met. The scene was emerging randomly and frames skipped to various scenarios. Suddenly I was somewhere upstairs, looking out the window children heading for school and I was being dragged with them somehow. There were moments of awareness of sensation in the head and if I recall correctly some pain in the ears - both these are quite new though my ears would hurt on and off past few days.

The experience itself was a cross between my previous astral projection experiences and salvia experiences.

The Shadow in the Body

Woke up around 3ish am, feeling rejuvinated but annoyed and concerned over something that may seem petty now and it was on my mind all night.

Had UT drink, I was surprised to see almost an entire glass filled up. Too much energy after that and I guess I was wasting it on feeling angry and playing out scenarios in my head. Went back to bed in a dreaded state thinking sleep may never arrive and end the misery.

Eventually around 6 am did start to relax. Head vibrations, orgasmic electric sensation near third eye region. Eyes closed all black but there was the sense of transitioning. As I attempted to open eyes they felt tight and heavy. Room was different - trying to recall how everything was and I realized that my bed and the body on it was shifted to the right side of the room. Soon I noticed that it wasn't the change in the room but somewhere in the brain, the changes were made to eyes so that it sees differently according to whatever pattern whoever or whatever was occupying had assumed within the body. I sensed this other there. I lifted arms and they were interchanging between physical body to a silhoutte body, shadow like. It was wrapping itself with the physical body. I felt it to be seperate individual yet a part of the body. The shadow seems to have more control than in other times.

Sensing other beings in the edges of the room. No major fear present, in fact I was curious and interested. Other things happening within or through the brain. It was tuning into music, calming and melodious. Some singing but can't remember words. Listening to music like this is so amazing, to not just hear it by external means but to be a part of it, whole and complete.

There were some sexual arousal taking place. Soon enough I just wanted to sleep feeling exhausted from this event. Had to get up 7:30am but really needed the extra sleep. Strangely though after this time when I got up I was not tired but now feeling maybe an hour or so of napping or just relaxing is all I need to feel balanced.

Earlier asked 'it' which I think I should perhaps refer to as some kind of energy whether it was behind this incident, answers were basically lots of head swaying and rotating movements. The feeling of being pumped with helium is intensifying - mostly in the head and it feels like it can detach at anytime and float away. Body constantly bouncing with this air.

Girl Cliff Hanging

Yesterday I asked that being, presence ( still not sure what to call it ) to come through in the dreams.

The dream was incredibly vivid, very life like. There is a girl in red with her parents near a cliff. The girl is at the edge, she says  'Daddy I'm gonna jump'.

She jumps, her parents in shock looking down stretching arms down trying or hoping they can save her. The girl is floating with the pull of the wind much like a leaf. She hangs on to the rocky parts. Her movements are swift. As I watch this I think 'What a clever little girl'. I'm astounded how carefully she holds onto the rocks, moving along swiftly without fear. She finally sits in a small cave area waiting for her parents to get to her, when they finally do I notice above this cave are other cave with pointed icicle shaped rocks hanging down. Danger was imminent. But deep behind the icicles, hiding and lurking in the dark was what I percieved as a serial killer. I woke up, brain vibrating, physically actually shaking about inside. My body was lifted or it was doing something but being aware of it it was put back to a normal position.

Something was definitely occuring within the body, not sure what. At first glance the dream seems to be saying 'there's something sinister lurking in the dark'. However not sure the dream has any significance, could have simply been placed there to initiate fear response.

I am however more concerned about the effect this is all taking on the physical body, I think that at the moment that these vivid fear inducing dreams take place something happens to the physical body, either it reacts or is cleansing something deeper?

I have asked questions regarding the dream and answers are confusing - head swaying, rotating or stretching back - so no straight forward yes or no.

Open for Communication

Monday afternoon I sat down in front of the mirror allowing the swaying of the head and other involuntary movements. A thought occured 'Why don't I try to question this movement?'

As I thought this body was silencing. I asked whatever presence was there whether it was open to communication, there was a nod in the affirmative. It was very slow almost as if 'it' was trying to be as gentle as possible. I continued asking yes and no questions. The following questions were not asked in the order that they are written and not all questions are included.


Are you good? Yes
Are you evil? No
Are you within the body? Head spins
Do you have control over the body? Yes
Do you have complete control over the body? No
Have you always been here? No
Are you a discarnate spirit? Yes
Do you have good intentions? Yes
Are you beloved? Yes
Are you male?Yes
Are you female? No
In what country did you have your physical existence? (skimming around continents until nodded in affirmative for somewhere in South Asia.
Are the physical movements part of a healing process? Yes
Are you telling me what I want to hear? No
Can I write about you on my blog? No - this question was asked several times until finally I got a yes.

Sensing some confusions over some answers I asked if there were more than one  - the answer was yes.

Briefly when I sat quiet with no questions, my head was leaning forward ever so slowly and carefully watching over the chair looking down at the carpet. It felt like whatever this was was getting comfortable.

Can you see through the physical eyes? Yes
Can I trust you? Yes
Can you manipulate my dreams and come through them? Yes

Sitting there asking so many questions I felt this being knew too much about me and also I gathered that it liked all that I liked and disliked all that I disliked, what if I was simply talking to myself, or some unconscious part that had awakened.

Are you me? Head spins - and for other questions the head would rotate a new response - not yet certain. It could mean 'I don't know', 'I can't say' or still simply gathering answer.
Are you aware of Him ( referring to that most powerful dangerous presence in whose embrace in one incident I almost completely dissolved physical reality and was so close to something far beyond unknown ) ? Yes
Do you know Him? I can't recall the answer
Did He send you? No
Is He here? No - this answer confused me as I expected a yes
Each time that I thought of The Presence and even now as I relay this , eyes swell up with tears and a massive knot forms in the throat.

Left cheek muscles would tingle and there were some pressure there and sense of being touched was there. I asked if it wanted to play and got a yes.

I stopped session and went downstairs for a bit where my brothers annoying cat would go on meowing as she always does. In the bathroom I asked whether 'it' liked the cat, got a 'no' to which I replied 'Good, coz neither do I, but of course you already knew that.'

Do you know the nature of reality? Yes
Can you share it with me?  Head Spin
My questions seem unimportant, completely irrelevant.

At times my head would go back bending my neck, an indication to lie down. Tried meditating but I simply end up getting lost in an array of thoughts or if I'm lucky brief few minutes nap which are more like blanking out for brief moments.

Night times have been pretty difficult for me lately and I gather what is occuring at this stage is parasite die off - extreme amounts of pinworm exit I mean it is like something out of a horror movie. I am almost completely certain this is a die off and other things are coming out  (sorry for being too graphic), as in the past I have had pinworm symptoms ( itchiness, chronic fatigue, mood swings etc) just had no idea that I had pinworms. Sometimes the moodiness had heightened lately but in general I do not get tired however most times I just don't feel like doing anything - doing nothing feels peaceful for the body at times. Also I get drawn to specific types of food, recently I was drawn to papaya started reading about the fruit and found that it is cleansing so started taking fruit and seeds for 5 days and on first day I saw some red tomato skin looking things come out but have not eaten tomatoes in ages - I read that it could be liver flukes.

As for personality, it would seem I am a host to all kinds of parasites as well as all kinds of qualities but lately I have been changing in ways that as I observe how I am and compare to how I was one would think my power chakra was overactive. Already I have been called bossy since this change and I have even noticed I can be controlling. I've dialled it down a bit, not getting too involved with others since that is when problems arise. It feels that those around me were attached to me through metaphoric chains and everytime they tug, it causes me harm - seeing this I snapped each chain off. I only seem to have one mantra now 'Me, me, me, me' or 'I, I, I' depending on whatever I'm in the mood for. I never take shit from others as I once did, and previously I would be concerned with others wellbeing guiding them, trying to help especially those around me and now...

I have been thinking that there is one word that can describe every quality that makes up what one might call my personality or my character: carefree.

Recent Salvia Sessions

Sunday night at about 11 chewed on small amount of Salvia. This batch was less bitter. There was a transition but not as smooth as others, not much fluttering. The body still took on the feeling of plasticity, as though it were a toy thing. Perception of others open but dim, hard to percieve with clarity, felt like something or someone was deliberately making things hazy. Parts of body seperating curling. Too tired, just wanted to sleep.

Monday morning at around 10ish am chewed a bit more Salvia than night before. Again less bitter but still unpleasant tasting, transition different to other transitions, no fluttering instant sudden changing. Feel like this batch may not be as potent as previous Salvias or there is something else going on within the body that is not allowing clearer open perception. Others of physical organism present again doing something to the body - perception too hazy. However the knowings or insights are present, there is this absolute feeling of complete power and ability to do anything, to create anything. However being aware of the whole make up of material matter one looses all sense all need to do anything - it is almost as if wanting something, wishing to change something were desires born out of fear and ultimately out of ignorance. I have been eating loads of coconut chips lately - yummy. The digestive system was awake, I was aware of the being that made this part up.

Something about these Salvia sessions... they were very short, less vivid and less clarity than in other experiences. Also I did not have that desire to use this plant as I once did, it seems as though I am slowly losing the need for it. I have about 30 or so grams left which I will finish throughout the next few months taking only in intervals.

That day an unexpected thing did occur as I sat silently in front of the mirror details of which will be included in the next post.

SP experience, Latest Dreams, Body Detox

The Shadow Legs and Morphed Room
Woke up yesterday morning in a somewhat SP kind of state. Suddenly physical legs fly up and connect with shadow black legs. Concerned, I had this feeling of being 'occupied' by another. This other, being or entity was now having any experience I would be having. I was afraid that this other can now control my movement. The feeling is faintly still here as I type. It is not eerie but I just know something is there. After shadow connected with what seemed physical body awareness snapped into room only I knew legs were under duvet so there was no way it sprinted up and I felt perhaps happened was my imagination. It happened one more time and the feeling of a presence nearby was there. Room morphed back and forth.

The Bee /Wasp
This morning had an interesting dream - these interesting dreams are waking me up lately, now I wake around 4-5 am. In the dream I am walking down the stairs and a bee or a wasp lands on my bare leg. My brother is at the bottom of the stairs and I could sense he wants to smack it dead. I raise my arms warning him not to as it would sting me, however I start to sense a sinister vibe coming from him as if his intention is so that it stings me.

I woke up suddenly at 4:30am hearing a loud knock feeling a tad bit scared of the dark. If someone had indeed knocked that loud someone else would also have heard it.
 The other day in physical reality I was in the garden and a yellow jacket landed on my leg. It tickled as it started to wriggle its legs. I stood still mostly because I didn't want to scare it, amazed at the little creature and was astonished that I didn't jump or scream, normally these critters scare the life out of me. Perhaps spending time out in nature and in the garden is making me comfortable around any living creatures.

Detox of Body
I think I am having those anxiety issues again, this is the only way that I can translate these phenomenas (eg. loud knocking, lights etc) whereas before when they first occured it was all rather mystical. However now I see clearly that these phenomenas have to do with body detox, the only evidence I have are anecdotes from those who go through raw food diet and eventually have these mystical experiences. Obviously it eventually happens to others who meditate regularly. I have read of an account regarding involuntary movements, will link to it if I find it. This person had meditated regularly, eventually in one meditation the body started to move involuntarily, sometimes swaying and eventually making specific controlled movements. The person was convinced that the body was healing itself. I too am convinced that this physical body is going through the same process. Some inherent ability where the body itself is awake and functions according to the needs of the body. In my case I am still somewhat stressed out and need to relax. I know deep down I cannot do that unless outwardly I make some changes and the changes that I make are very likely to effect others. Krishnamurti gave importance to the inward transformation, and I wonder can I do that whilst living chaotically outwardly as I am now and be in peace and harmony without changing the outward?

Nightmares and Bodily Changes

Family gatherings make me physically and emotionally drained, fortunately it is not as bad as it used to be due to some changes. Generally I don't do too well in a crowded environment. I don't think it has to do with the number of people I am around but the kind of people I am around. I wonder maybe it is that I have become far too sensitive that with this new found sensitivity I am seeing too deeply into others around me and often I allow it to influence certain emotions. Due to recent stress I have given into bad eating habits. I feel this stress may never end - the same stress in a different guise will eventually apear.

For a while I have had copious amounts of pinworms appearing suddenly and according to what I read about detoxing, sudden onset of pinworm activity is often a sign of parasite die off. They also look to be getting weaker. Lately I feel something has been stuck in my throat and many times I have awoken middle of the night feeling as though I choked in my sleep. My sister has told me that last night she heard me snore which is something that stopped for a long time until recently when I actually heard myself snore. Also she heard me chewing as though I were eating make sucking sounds and warned me that maybe I'm doing that 'teeth grinding' thing I do in my sleep but I think it may be something a little different - only the body at this stage knows what its doing. A tooth pains in the back when chewing food which may be from experimenting eating mahonias - bad idea some were too sour and one actually caused a bad reaction I thought my teeth were just about to fall out. The pain is slowly wearing off. Just to be on the safe side I need to start wearing mouth guard.

The body still moves involuntarily and I have given it some more time to carry out the movements. At the moment movement is focused on head region and neck area - sometimes body wants to arch backwards and when the arching is too far back my neck and spine hurt - I never allow the movement to force or push itself to the point where I feel some damage can occur. The head swaying is pleasant and sometimes there is a rush of sensational passionate feelings. Last night before I went to sleep the pressure was on the physical body, there was a throbbing and the entire feeling was of two bodies connecting. Did not let the sexual intensity take over, observed and somehow fell asleep.


Resident Evil Boss Nightmare
Last night I had a dream where I was in a resident evil game, me and another player are killing a boss - the giant boss is walking towards us around a circular platform with slow but long scary strides and I recall pointing the gun at the boss but the damage is minimal. There is a car that at times seems to be circling around us and I get the thought 'I have to shoot the car and cause an explosion as soon as the boss is in close proximity.' Something goes wrong and the burning car is flung at me and the other player and I know it is about to be game over but there's no fear - I know there's gonna be another round. It was at this point I woke up. Still dark out, I felt the time might be 4 or 5 am but it was just after midnight.

Shocking Cat Nightmare
Lately nightmarish dreams are very vivid and I wake from them at this time. In another nightmare I recall  being in some kind of maze with walls and ceilings. Felt trapped. My brothers cat is running around this maze, it looked scary and very disturbing almost as if it were electrocuted some kind of grusomeness forming from cat targeting me. I also had someone in my arms, recollection of this is hazy but it was either my eldest sister who was here for the hols or my nephew. I was holding the person trying to soothe and comfort all the while myself suffering the shock from the beastly cat. I had this feeling of being some kind of compartment, that my body was mechanical and it needed to go through a certain mechanical operation and I was dreading it. The two people in the dream whether it was my sister or nephew may be symbolic of stress because that is their current condition in physical waking life.

Salvia After End of Ramadan Fasting

Used salvia in my mums room last night. It has been a long time since I used this plant, just before I chewed I braced myself for the revolting bitter taste. There was noise in the background - tv and all that on. I left the light on. The body became more plastic and felt toy like, sensation of mouth feeling stiff.

The others presence lingering. Shadow produced by light fixing was generally spiralled with lines strecthing out in hexagonal directions but as I looked now with the changing sight the others moved out of it, they are camouflaging every aspect of the room. I close eyes and awareness is on the body beings, the components that make up body parts.

People living around me and my brothers and sisters, their energy essence or in other words there soul or spirit was there. Almost as if as my physical process was changing there was a shift also in their deeper being. I felt naked, all my physical habits and all that was present revealed as if they have always known how I felt. Some of them I have an aversion towards, actually mostly towards most of them and I do not know why I dislike them so much something I need to figure out. The greed that has been giving me company lately was facing me at certain times tried to avoid it.

New member of the family - sister-in-law's energy pattern emerged during a few intervals.

I sensed the energy being or pattern that belonged to a sister I was not getting along with recently who was sleeping at the moment - she knew how I felt and at that moment it was being revealed to her in dreamtime, I was shocked at this and feeling bad.

Some point I ended in the television playing downstairs and felt to be a part of the movement of the little pretend people on there acting out.

Going deeper, flooding down in the atmosphere - the world as I knew it was ending - down down down down, out out out, everything was being put away. There was music and I felt completely that I was a part of it.  Even the people and their non-physical counterparts had no reality. Everything was happening, changing so fast the body was taking on full lightness - I felt so supreme, so powerful - all impossibilities were now possible. Recently I have been skimming around for the perfect boots, desire to complete garden as effectively as I could, skimmed around for a parcel of land - how ridiculous and unnecessary it all seemed at that moment.

As I was swarming in the deepness of this never ending end I resisted. Opened my eyes, the physical eyes were so badly distorted, almost as if there was no such thing as sight. The wardrobe to the right were sort of clumped up together, in front there was another set of wardrobe with glass, on the glass was reflection and this itself was clumped up other forms or beings.

At some point theres some paranoia and I felt so sensitive to the external happenings (sounds sensations etc) I heard glass crack and thought there was a burglary. Some fear mounted, but I think I was more afraid that the others noticed this and were 'working on it'.

Recently sisters mother in law passed away from cancer, she had told me that on her death bed her face distorted so badly it was like something out of The Exorcist movie - I started to understand this phenomena with my own  physical changes with Salvia. I looked up brain cancer online earlier yesterday day to see if brain wave sensations were a symptom of cancer. The energies that go into making up the physical body decide the overall health of the body, how silly of me to think it was all down to what the body consumed. Still I could not comprehend how it is I can do all the right things for the body and yet that certain other factor can give me cancer. A group approaching in physical body, I could sense it as a form of cancer with such clarity yet I was not afraid of it almost as if physical death had no relevance. Death is impervious when Truth is revealed. No matter how much I try to explain this Truth, I can't and I wonder if I have even taken it in. It remains in the altered state but once Salvia effects wear off I am pretty much back to square one.

I felt movement in the brain, some pain near throat, an ache in the ear, what I recognized as the thing labeled as cancer was up to something. Some parts of body heating up and there were some sexual sensations.

That day and the day before I was eating so much and I think I may have had some food poisoning. In the Salvia state stomach was churning and doing something to what we know as digestive system. I kept thinking how I want to say something to someone, to anyone 'What would you do if you have discovered something, something that you may not be able to describe or even give to others and yet the moment you are with that discovery all of lifes arrays of miseries, worries and problems seize to exist? How do you share something that indescribable.' I have been reading a lot of jiddu krishnamurti materials and all that only makes sense when under that state and then coming back to the masked camaflouged life I have lost it and only fragmented awareness remains.

And now I wonder how can I even share something that I can't hold onto, a state that lasts momentarily and yet I know I can look into it but how is it that I slip so easily back into the abyss of confusion? In that state I can reveal some aspect but not being in that state is difficult. The only thing I can do now is reveal those others as faces in surrounding environment but that is like a magician showing you a trick but unable to tell you how it's done.

All I can say now is that all the worries, the numerous problems that arise are all illusory - they have no reality but there is something that is real and I know I just barely touched the surface. I see the importance of silence, the mind must be quiet and in that state all thoughts appear to be actual individual entities connected to the stream of all thoughts. In the Salvia state the mind initially is not quiet, but quietening down and in the deep process of the transition from the usual physical state to that other state the many entities are revealed and I am pulled down deeper into that end. Dialling down to the off position, and I am just barely there until some part of me goes 'hold on a minute - I have a physical life and there is something unfinished, need to return.'

Body Energy Movement

From a few days ago I made time for that energy which has some control over bodily movement.

It seems to move with more ease, in fact right now it is spinning my head, unwinding or unlocking neck area joints.

I have and sometimes still do have concern whether I am right about this being an energy or some illness. It is an involuntary movement. Every evidence seems to point in the fact that it is a form of intelligent 'energy' and my guess is it is healing, the whole movement is a detox process. I just need to give it more time. The other day when I did give it more time there was a lot of clicking near neck and back of neck at tip of spine. Sometimes it had moved head back with such force I feared spine snapping.

In the mornings upon waking up I can sense that there was a lot of movement in head region, eyes do that Salvia type fluttering, not the physical eye itself but something within projecting outwards.

I have been reading a lot of Krishnamurti text for some time now. The other day whilst resting in bed I observed thought process and there was some change occurring which I can't fully describe but also could not hold on to, I ended up dozing off and when eyes opened fluttering was much more vigorous.

Ramadan Fasting and Bodily Movements

Ramadan starts tomorrow, and though I don't practice Islam I sometimes do follow the fasting period. In the past I have noticed how beneficial the Ramadan fasting can be to my overall health so this year my intention is to keep every single fast. It is tough since you are not allowed even a drop of your own saliva from dawn to sunset.

Lately, I have been doing some 'emotional' eating where I've been snacking on lots of crap to fill up some kind of miserable emptiness eating away at me. So now I just want to clean up the mess I've just made and it's about time because I am starting to feel the repercussions from my latest bad eating habits.

Rather than suppress these crazy emotions I need to start facing them, observe and try to understand where they are coming from and why.

Ramadan feels like a relief, just the one meal a day which will be sprouts salad, and then early morning UT drink, wheatgrass juice and sole drink not always 3 types. I also intend to drink nut milks which are quite yummy. When I do the emotional eating I know I'm very much aware that there is emotional imbalance but not sure how to deal with it and I give in to the flavours. I've cut down on the chocolate dramatically but ended up replacing with even worse foods such as bombay mix and tons of peanuts which is just terrible. Fortunately my body is in disagreement with these foods so I'm just starting once again listening to it very carefully especially when my teeth decide to take a bite out of my tongue.

Body has been behaving strangely lately, the energy is more fluid seeming to have more control over body. The other day I leaned over a pot in the garden reaching out I lifted up my right leg only slightly and suddenly leg just gave out and I almost fell flat on my face on granite along with that a tray of my seedlings fell out upside down  - fortunately they survived the accident, I love that plants are so resilient. I was so angry at myself and soon I was asking myself 'why? why would you that?'

Yesterday morning I did the headstand as part of my morning ritual and as I flipped legs onto wall, without warning legs swung out to right as if by another force and I ended up slamming onto floor towards the right side. When I breathe in deeply my head does a lot of swaying almost dancing which I like this actually makes me feel very relaxed, the more deeper the breathing the more intense the movement. When I remain still and observe there is a light swaying and if I surrender to these body movements body moves in different ways and directions.

I do get paranoid about these things sometimes and other times I am concerned about my sanity. I think one of my craziest theories so far is that some kind of parasite, and by parasite I don't mean an invisible evil entity, I mean an actual wriggling worm has got into my brain and has taken over partial control over my bodily movements - my more rational diagnosis is that I'm having some kind of nervous system meltdown and my body is simply reacting. Then there's kundalini and I'd like to very much think that it is this process but I'm starting to doubt everything. Perhaps for now it is best to stick with 'it is what it is'.

Sungazing Efforts and latest updates

Lately here in the UK the weather pattern has been pretty strange. It is always cloudy and in rare moments they clear up and then recolonize. A cloudy UK is not unusual but only in the summer, this summer is warm but very cloudy. The clouds are getting denser, it is dark and there's an air of misery. Constantly raining and all these factors have put me off with any effort to sun gaze.

I have been feeling pretty miserable lately, not entirely due to weather but current situations, home life and all that piling up. I find myself giving in to emotional eating and not giving a shit about anything. One time during emotional eating something bit hard into my tongue almost puncturing it, this something has done this before and I didn't bother heeding to its stop sign. Carried on emotionally eating. I feel I am just getting increasingly depressed. I don't know if it is because everything I plan just gets flushed down the toilet, so I have decided no more planning - this reminds me of a song...

Today late in the afternoon I was just fed up with the usual daily scene, being around people who agitated me and fed up with myself for not doing anything about it I climbed into bed without a single care for anything. I thought to myself that I could be in the midst of a storm or a whipping tornado and it wouldn't phase me.

Closed eyes and mind was emptying, body would snap and jerk. My head shaked and jerked about, nodding left right, up and down. As usual the movements were startling but this time they were incredibly forced almost as if whatever is making these movements has more control. I started to see and feel wormy movements what seemed to be inside my head. Then there was some paranoid type worry 'what if these things are parasites in my head?'

Despite the sudden worry thought did not care much and let whatever 'it' was be and slept it off.

Anxious To Leave

This nightmare did not start off quite as horrific as it ended. I was at a reunion - people I knew from primary school and secondary school were present. I remember trying to put names to the faces. Friends from secondary school were all celebrating my birthday, there was chocolate cake and I swiftly grabbed myself a slice. Then I got a vibe from the friend who set up the party did not want us to eat the cake - it was just for show and she needs to reuse it for her brothers birthday. Walked off trying to remember the names of other friends. This dream was incredibly vivid.

There were some other interesting dreams, where I am being each thing around me. Lately I have been reading some Krishnamurti quotes and a very interesting one where Krishnamurti describes the oneness feeling in his words. I thought about it deeply and the same ideas played out in this dream.

I somehow ended up lying down in some kind of glass framed room in the woods. I see there are some hooligan type groups walking by, and I am startled and scared. There is that terrible sense of fear with impending doom. I know I will be attacked and think if only I had a gun I could just get it out and it would be enough to scare them  away - the way I'm thinking this thought is as if I am scripting out the scene.

The fear factor changes to something incredibly intense and unbearable, a fear of something that makes death appear more welcoming. There's something invisible, very dangerous so much that I forget the hooligans outside as if they no longer exist.I hear this invisible presence communicate with a thought loop 'Please stay with me, be with me - stay with me, be with me - stay with me, be with me'. The feeling I'm getting from it I can only describe as nightmarish. Heart palpitating and I think I might faint to death. As I try to crawl out it becomes more persistent. I slip out of its grip but not yet sure, there in my dark room, heart still palpitating, feeling dizzy and scared shitless, took a short while to realize that I had awoken from the horror. The fluttering near eyes a little different, I guess I don't trust anything or anyone - time was around 2:40am.

I thought about the other many nightmares I've had - at a time when I was going through some kind of anxiety issue which was not apparent to me at the time. Something obviously triggers it, a change in the body, healing crisis, lifestyle changes, stress. This morning after the nightmare I was having stressful thoughts, chronic mean thoughts regarding a person I seem to not get along with very well for reasons unknown to me  and then the thoughts escalated to more critism about another person. In fact I was being my old self - a person bombarded with all kinds of issues, highly critical, judgemental, hateful, stressed and just really, really, very pissed!

Sun Gaze Update

As usual have not been consistent with this practice - at most I am sun gazing at least 3 times a week. Most days have been cloudy and some days I have been feeling too groggy to get out of bed. I have been sun bathing more early morning and mostly because I get to spend time in the garden.

For now I am at 120 seconds. That is 12 days of practice - so in 1 month I only managed 12 days. I am having a slightly unexpected result from practice - for some reason I am more hungrier - I seem to keep seeking out a specific kind of flavour and texture and I have been giving in to some junk food eating - pizzas and rice. Lately with a slight change in my lifestyle I have been seeking some kind of emotional fulfillment, it is becoming more apparent how these emotions operate in the body. It is unusual that my appetite has suddenly increased, but I can feel it more to be a need for emotional feeding rather than an actual physical need.

It has only been 12 days of practice so I really can't distinguish where these crazy emotions are rising up from. Besides bad food cravings other old stuff are drudging up like the crazy anxiety nightmare I had this morning.

Return of the Head Buzz

Last night, out of the blue, those feelings of deep love for everything emerged. With those feelings eventually fell asleep  - prior to that during a meditation I ended up sleeping for almost half the day.

Dark outside, suddenly coming back into conscious awareness of  physical surrounding my right arm was raised up with palms facing the abdomen. My head started to buzz which has happened in the past only this time I was slightly worried 'what if it was an epileptic seizure?'

I let go and ended up near an ocean where other elements all around were in contact with each other, communicating in a language without words. There was the sense of others only the others were gigantic.

Consciousness deliberately zoomed back in body out of concern. The arm still raised up, a magnetic energy between the palm and abdomen. Vigorous wormy like movements deep within brain, in fact I thought there actually were worms lingering in my brain.

The buzz was intense, placed my tongue between teeth as I had the sense that I might end up grinding or clench my teeth.

I was aroused but the sexual intensity was a lot less than in past experiences yet I could hardly control myself.

I got the sense that left arm was placed behind my back as if forcibly kept there in order to prevent any movement. I yanked it out and managed to regain control over right arm. When this happened there was some pulsing in abdomen - a kind of closing down sensation. Head nodded off the excess energy. I lifted right arm and the magnetic energy still slight present - my arm felt like it could float away as if it was pumped with helium. This episode ended at 1:30am.

The Ending Process

 I have been reading through some Jiddu Krishnamurti quotes and todays quote was:

"We hardly ever listen to the sound of a dog's bark or to the cry of a child or the laughter of a man as he passes by. We separate ourselves from everything, and then from this isolation look and listen to all things. It is this separation that is so destructive, for in that lies all conflict and confusion. If you listened to the sound of bells with complete silence you would be riding on it -or, rather, the sound would carry you across the valley and over the hill. The beauty of it is felt only when you and the sound are not separate, when you are part of it. Meditation is the ending of the separation, but not by any action of will or desire.

Meditation is not a separate thing from life; it is the very essence of life, the very essence of daily living. To listen to the bells, to hear the laughter of a peasant as he walks by with his wife, to listen to the sound of the bell on the bicycle of a little girl as she passes by: it is the whole of life, and not just a fragment of it, that meditation opens."

The bit that really stands out is 'the riding on the sound of the bells and being carried across the valley'. Journeying with Salvia has allowed me to have experiences where 'I' am literally embedded in the very physical matter around me. The most intriguing has been going inside people becoming one within the structures of the physical bodies. Other fascinating experiences include having other beings consciousness embedded in my physical body. The main element of such an experience is Oneness, you feel each part completely connected with each other creating a whole unit.

According to Krishnamurti there has to be an ending - the ending of seperation or the known and then we open up to the unknown. In my own experience I have felt the world around me come to an end but many times resistance pulled me back and each time I have had to rely on Salvia. Salvia had specifically revealed to me the ending process which at the time I translated as 'death'.

It is through this ending process which is simply entering into pure silence 

Lately I've been meditating on and off but sticking with some of my main practices. However I know I need to simply meditate without an 'end' goal, just meditate and be in the silence. It is hard though finding time with being too occupied lately, I may need to  plan this out so that each day I have some time for meditation.

Sun Gaze issues

Again I have not been able to sun gaze consistently. A few times into the second hour after sunrise I manage to sun gaze but I don't feel relaxed, maybe since I haven't had that grounded feeling on the garden slabs (need to keep box of earth for standing in). The times that I did practice much later after sun rise have made eye sight a little blurry and it seems to leave an after image. However during one practice I was able to see impressions of the suns rays glowing out and into the eyes.

I have to admit I have been rather lazy about it and there are some other factors. One is actually my new chocolate addiction which I will write about in the next post. The other factors are more complicated and too personal.

Sun Dreaming

This morning I had vivid movie type dreams - the kind with intriguing plots.

The memory of the sun dream took some time to come through and then when I remembered it clearly made a mental reminder to write about it here. Occupied throughout the day I almost completely forgot about it until the afternoon when I remembered I needed to write about an important dream. Kept digging in my mind and the mental image of the Suns face appeared.

It was a short dream but in comparison to the other longer dreams it's the best dream I've had in ages, short, simple and to the point. In the dream I was looking at the sun and it appeared to be close enough to burn me, but there were no negative incidents. I stood still realising that I was staring at the face of the sun, an actual being, just like all the creatures of the world the sun had its own independent existence. I don't recall being in awe, it felt so normal to me that the Sun and I can stare at each other.

Ceremonial Cacao

I have been consuming cacao regularly past several months, and I think my recent fatigue symptoms maybe a result of this newly formed addiction.

I also think it may have given me high amounts of energy which I have been releasing through dancing and lots of physical activity. I feel the addiction was formed from emotional problems rather than addictive substances. Most of the times when I'm reaching out for it - it has been triggered by some emotional response. Other times I am craving the taste and the euphoria such taste induces.

I am aware of raw cacao toxicity but have only consumed the roasted cacao powder until last week when I purchased the raw version. Interestingly the raw cacao does not give me that 'high' feeling which roasted gave instantly. However I was consuming it with fat (coconut oil) and sugar (dates, sometimes bananas), I have been eating in small quantities but I think the accumalation is having some effect on me right now. The main effect seems to be a fatigue that comes on suddenly but I'm not sure if this fatigue could be due to egg yolk liver flush since it started after this.

Today I was thinking about the cacao tree that produces the bean. Just like Salvia the Cacao tree has consciousness. I was consuming the powdered bean from the Cacao tree consciouness and everything that the bean had to offer was blending with my consciousness creating a fusion. Looked up cacao online today and came across an interesting blog discussing the spiritual uses of cacao: ceremonial cacao.

I realize I have been abusing cacao and so now currently will stay away from it for a while - until I once again feel the call for some cacao journeying. It has opened my eyes though - to the wide spectrum of thoughts and emotions that I'm harboring. Honestly though, most of the emotions I have been releasing have been great but that is only when I am by myself allowing the high energy thoughts flowing through and they have been just 'wow' - so maybe I have been running after these high thoughts rather than running away from the negative thoughts that seem mostly to be induced by negative circumstances in my life right now. I can't say for sure which one it is, could be both...

Sungazing Inconsistency

I have not been practising consistently mostly due to weather but also because I have not been able to get up early nor have I had the energy - it seems since the start of this week having family over my energy levels have dropped dramatically. My eyes are constantly drooping - this sleepiness is different to any sleepiness I've experienced before. Some kind of deep urge to sleep throughout the day in intervals - when I do sleep or nap and awaken there is major grogginess, do not feel rejuvenated at all. Not sure if this is the body's way of healing but I have a feeling it has something to do with the few days that I have sun gazed.  Also I did 3 egg yolk liver flushes and just the one or two enema and the new sleepy feelings could be due to that.

Have not been going out to the local park where the view of the sunrise is the clearest. At times I'd just do it in the garden only not standing on soil, will have to make an arrangement for this. Other times I am just gazing out the open window from the house (not through glass). It is quite cloudy here, hopefully not for that long. I'm not too fussed about missing days or not doing it exactly as instructed. I think attitude is more important than consistency. This morning I gazed out from the garden, it was cloudy but quite bright, I then went to lie down and relaxed - there was some pineal gland magnetic sensations, pulsing for a while and then I just dozed off for a while.

Did some deep breathing this morning in my room on the chair. As I breathed deeply focusing on the breath reaching head region my head would start bopping until I released the breath. I have noticed breathing in and focusing on different parts of the body causes different kind of involuntary movements.

Need to make an arrangement for sun charged water and start drinking regularly.

Heart Pounding Kisses

Last night as I retired to bed I was beyond sleepy, I rarely sleep in a sleepy state even this late, normally I just end up in bed still too alert to sleep.

I relaxed and started to feel pressure around my mouth which started to move around. Observing the sensations I realized, someone or something was kissing me. Soon enough my heart was pounding and there were mixed emotions flaring up, on the surface the sensations were pleasant but I was a little wary of my nocturnal visitor. What if it was some kind of parasite? I asked it to leave if it had harmful intentions. Being so curious I continued observing trying to keep from falling asleep - in the end sleep took over.

Sun Gaze - Missing Days

This morning I didn't get a chance to sun gaze and meditate - had family over last night and as a result slept late, woke up early but way too groggy to be bothered and the dense clouds were not helping much. Hopefully will catch evening sun, however living in the UK I am aware that there are going to be days with no sun and lots of rain however I won't let that hamper my sun gazing efforts, I can still meditate and continue with other practices as well as get as much early morning fresh air as possible.

Meditation Detox

Meditation is causing some kind of external detoxing that is working deep from within the mental space.  Suddenly people around me are moody to the power of infinity and I feel the huge contrast between my non meditating days to now meditating and only for just 2 days. This I feel could be the reason why I've been having difficulty meditating - I secretly know every crappyness within my space is going to get crappier. Like a healing crisis things get worse before they get better. There are currently a few changes going on in my life right now they are positive but there are still some doubts.

Meditation after morning sungazing

Just before noon I felt the urge to lie down on the bed - body slowly motioned backwards as if signalling to lie down. I also had a realization regarding previous kundalini symptoms. The bright orange and at times bright yellow glowing suns that I had seen in closed eyes were actually the inner suns. Before relaxing I asked the inner sun to appear and I will not be so quick to look away.

Stuff going on deeper in the head, all sorts of body tingles and other very kundalini type symptoms - there was a crawling sensation on my skin and I was certain it was some kind of bug especially since earlier I saw a spider crawling on my hand and even in the park lots of bugs. Obviously there were no bugs and then things were swirling inside the body. I felt pulsing and waves, there was definitely something going on in the forehead. The upper part of spine had that familiar kundalini energy rush up yet it was quick and gentle, thought maybe it was some trapped energy that was finally releasing. There was also that Salvia type effect where faces emerge from the inner fleshy parts of eye.

I went deeper into the meditation ready to completely release all mental occupation to that deep inner peace. At some point I opened eyes staring at the ceiling, green lines pulsing and waving they seemed like veins. Closed eyes again naturally relaxing. There was a gentle breakdown in the mind, sort of stretching outwards into the physical environment yet I was still very much aware of the physical body. I can hear my mums thought with the inner ears (non-physical hearing), she was wondering where I was. A few minutes later she knocks on my door and I have to stop the practice.

Later I tried to continue meditation but ended up falling asleep, there was a lot of visual vibration and inner vibrating upon waking up, feels like it is deep in the flesh.

First sungazing

I woke up at 4am this morning only because I needed to badly empty bladder and then thought about my intention to sungaze. Headed out around 4:45 to local park, went to a local park. It was cloudy and I was almost disappointed until I headed out in another direction towards another park where I caught a glimmer of the perfect firey bronze tinged sun illuminating so brightly behind the dense cloud.

Barefoot I stared at the sun for the recommended 10 seconds on first try. The process involves a daily 10 second increment, so tomorow it will be 20 seconds and the day after 30 seconds. This can be carried out for up to a duration of 9 months or until ones appetite is completely reduced. According to the instructions it is best to sun gaze at the same location. I have chosen to do it around the 1 hour window after sunrise and may even do one 1 hour before sunset.

I then sat down under a tree where the suns ray was illuminating, after getting comfortable started my breathing practice, then the 5 tibetan rites until I sat down and just relaxed letting the sun warm my skin. There were magnetic sensations in my forehead, something to do with the pineal gland and third eye. This tends to occur early morning but in the sun it feels more smoother. As I write this the sensation is still there, I really do feel like somehow the brain just got charged.

I normally do not ever go out this early in the morning and after sitting there in the suns warmth I never reallly wanted to leave. It was peaceful and even internally there was no mental chronic chatter, nature provides effortless relaxation. Next time I intend to get there earlier starting off with a meditation.

Sungazing

This practice has been around since ancient times perhaps in the very beginning but in these modern times it is Hira Ratan Manek who has assisted in bringing this practice into the western public awareness. I have been reading up the process on solar healing center website and have been thinking why haven't I started this from last year since that is when I first found out about it. Naturally I was already by then losing my appetite and I became aware of cravings and forced myself to eat simply because I was concerned as well as just out of habit, I was even concerned what others might think. However I have been realising more importantly that my appetite was almost exclusively based on cravings and this year it has become more apparent to me that cravings are a deeper need for emotional satisfaction rather than physical nourishment, hence why we eat more when bored and make bad unhealthy eating habits when stressed out. This doesn't mean that food cannot nourish the physical organism, just by changing my diet to a high raw diet has had good impact on my physical body. However the fact that everything we eat draws nourishment from the earth, the sun and water has really got me thinking in this path to breatharianism which is not really all that different to sun gazing. If the life forms in the plant kingdom can recieve their nourishment via these elements then surely human beings can receive nourishment via the same mechanism.

I'm still doing lots of cleansing, through various techniques such as colon, kidney and liver cleanse. Also different types of breathing exercises, headstands to improve oxygen level in brain, 5 tibetan rites, meditate and early morning and evening sunbathing. I also intend to drink filtered sun charged water everyday and in the process of my appetite reducing to a significantly lower level I will slowly change to a liquid diet which will be mostly juiced greens and I think I want to say goodbye to some flavours  - like chocolate.

I intend to update my progress on this blog.

Meditation Difficulty

Today I tried seated meditation, I have noticed my mind is more alert and chronic with thoughts than with meditating lying down. I think with lying down I tended to fall asleep and napped for quite some time and sometimes I would doze off so deeply after snapping out of the deep sleep state for say 10 or 30 mins I would feel as though I had been gone for hours.

I guess the benefit of seated meditation would be more than lying down at this stage but sometimes I shall alternate.

Todays practice was very difficult - and it would be since I haven't intentionally practiced meditation frequently. I felt my mind was consistently occupied with certain specific types of thoughts - these thoughts seem to be 'doing' thoughts, thoughts about the many tasks I must carry out. I have also noticed these thoughts are branched out from the people in my life right now. I have set up my life in such a way that others to some degree are still dependent on me and really I want to say that it is their negative energy and low vibration that is sucking me deep into the abyss of misery, but really I have myself to blame. The other day I had a conversation with my brother and the whole point of it was 'some people need to learn to say no'. Of course I agreed and even added specifically the person we were discussing needed to speak up and not be afraid. Seriously I would do good to take my own advice and I felt more deeply that this conversation was bought up exactly as if a message for me. Anyways my point is until I I do not stop allowing others to pull me left and right I am always going to be overly mentally occupied and meditation will be like sitting down waiting for that one thought that would creep into my mind and then on to carrying out whatever command it may be.

This doesn't change the fact that there was a time in my life when I was much busier and the environment around me a lot more toxic and added to that the strain I was putting on my physical body through bad eating habits, yet around that time I took up meditation that really helped me to relax efficiently, details of which have been added to this blog.


So why is it harder to meditate now, maybe I should consider a 30 day challenge which helped at one time. I may have to go through old journal and start using similar meditation techniques - in my next session rather than watch the thoughts I intend to observe my breathing.

I think journalling about meditation helped so I may accompany this with the practice

Breatharianism - Living on Light

This is something that I have read about a few times and it clicked with me instantly. I think it is a process that I have naturally been undergoing without much awarenes and it seemed to start happening around the time I had my so called TB lump which just emerged overnight. When it happened I knew about breatharianism but never quite connected the dots. At that time my appetite was so greatly reduced that I was incredibly concerned for my physical body I had to force myself to eat and I went so downhill with all the junk food which I see now was a result of my out of whack emotions. However with the reduced appetite I experienced no fatigue at all, in fact around this time the amount of energy I had was so new to me that I felt like a new person. Despite this I was depressed - which I realize now was a reaction to all the hospital wait and negative energy from doctors and nurses rather than my condition, never ever again - I would happily die of cancer if need be.

I have been reading as well as watching some material by Jasmuheen and she exudes this incredible loving energy - very motherly.

 For a while now my appetite has been so low, sometimes I'm not hungry at all. I am starting to understand my body more clearly now and I have realized this business of eating is a habit formed by our emotions and rarely from an actual need to provide the body with fuel. Most of the times when I eat - I'm either bored, worried that I might waste away or I just want to taste food for pleasure (chocolate does a good job of this). Another thing also is the routine of eating. We have a set time to eat food, breakfast in the morning, lunch afternoon and dinner in the evening. Fortunately out of concern for my health I have done some real hard work on force feeding myself healthy raw foods since last year summer rather then let my emotions eat away at my core with junk food - so I applaude myself for that and for anyone who is at least trying. Now I'm starting to understand hunger signals, basically there aren't any hunger signals or none that I'm aware of. I do not know what hunger is, the very subject of food and eating is becoming so alien to me and yet I'm constantly refining my diet primarily out of the fear that I will become frail and weak if I eat too little or stop eating all together. I rarely am thirsty enough and do not drink as much fluid as I used to but with the change of weather (dry and very hot) I am somewhat getting thirsty and need to drink. Since converting to vegetarian diet I have lost a significant amount of weight.

I think somehow all this is due to the Salvia induced experiences on top of a kundalini process - it has directly changed the way my body functions. I have been practicing doing headstands and I can't balance at all because my legs have a life of their own. The body seems to like spinning. My body has become so light and bouncy I feel it can levitate. There is so much energy powering this body I can dance a whole day and not feel tired - dancing is about the only thing right now that makes me come alive and I have this need to do it daily. It feels so good, not dancing - but coming alive. Lately I have been sleeping quite a bit more than usual but still energetic during the day, other than dancing I prefer doing light energy work rather then anything too strenuous, gardening is a nice form of relaxation and I'm turning a neglected garden into a beautiful oasis.

When it comes to diet however I am  not  a saint or anything, I do sometimes indulge in the forbidden white grains mostly just rice really, with cooked vegetables, sometimes potatoes and on rare occasions wheat products - I live at home with other family members and they have the worst kind of diet imaginable, everyday I am bombarded with rice so I taste some of it just to fulfill a craving which is slowly dissipating however I know for a fact everytime I eat it it is always due to emotional upheavel, even a slight elevation of negative emotions makes me want to stuff the crap out of it. Despite these nagging cravings I tend to eat very little, daily meals include mostly sprouted legumes and beans, sprouted greens, wild foraged food, egg yolks, carrots and even conventional type salads, some nuts and fatty seeds - about 80% of what I eat is organic and raw. I've definitely developed a chocolate addiction, fortunately not commercial chocolates. Luckily I'm not rich enough to feed this addiction constantly. For this year I have decided to stick with solids until I feel ready for liquidarianism.

So now I am facing the very potential of living on prana, I know I have to do some extra cleaning and assist the body in detoxing which involves enemas and longer fasting durations. Fridays fasting have been difficult because again my emotions take over and I'll stick a bit of flavoured rice in my mouth or let some chocolate covered dates melt in my mouth. It's all about the emotional triggers and I don't know how to resolve them but I need to work on this area. Right now there are three solutions:

1) Work on the emotional triggers one by one - this could be a long and arduous task
2)  Stay away from the emotional triggers so they do not produce the negative respones - this ones hard because I simply can't and even if I did stay away more emotional triggers would find me in another form or another situation
3) Keep myself busy with joyous activity and do some positive intention work daily so that I am happily too busy to be revved up by the common emotional triggers - dancing is helping, I forget everything else when I'm dancing.

I have added in a few routine practices such as headstands, 5 tibetan rites,  pranayama and meditation. I love singing and when I have time I am doing voice excerises - humming and head vibrations are a good way to clear the head of impurities and does wonders for the voice. Another thing that interests me is spontaneity, to live spontaneously and not plan every second of life and only parts of it that are necessary such as ones lifestyle etc.

I will keep this blog updated on my progress.

Urine Buzz

The other night I recommenced urine therapy, sipped the middle stream very slowly. Almost immediately after I retired to bed my body was charged with some kind of magnetic force. Something buzzing and almost popping out, I felt that something to be the astral body or another layer of the physical shell. I remember like a drunk I headed for the toilet - looking at how red my arms had become I can tell my blood was circulating with great force.

Not sure if it was that night or the night after but I had some very vivid long flowing dreams.

Another night I dreamt of a tree that resembled a face - the leaves were like strands of hair and this tree had a recent fresh haircut, it seemed to be communicating with me.

Recent Salvia Trips

 The end of the world
A few days ago, I think it was tuesday I decided to use up some of the remainder salvia from an old batch. I almost forgot what it tasted like - but the flutterring around peripheral vision expanded and visual changed and my eyes completely changed, the outer visuals were a reflection of the actual change of the sight. I was viewing things the way they really were. My mouth surprisingly heavy and full on such a small amount of the leaf. As I continued chewing I knew I had enough but there was so much left - didn't want to waste so I put a little more in my mouth. To do so was an insult, I was offending some 'thing' so I spat out fast and arranged the mug and jar with its contents on bedside table with awareness of lingering presence. Resting on my back, eyes finally closed beings flooded inside physical organism. They were travelling far down and it seemed their destination was the sexual organ or root chakra. So many things were happening too rapidly for me to accurately relay in the order that the events took place. There were many familial incidents and issues that were surfacing, my behaviour pattern was becoming more apparent and I recognized the greed and selfishness I have been living in for the past few months - they all knew my every fault and error and I wished to correct these faults.

The body was pulling apart, each component revealing  itself as living individual beings that form what I know as the physical body. It's always at the moment that I should remain still and quiet I end up moving - the world that I knew everything and every detail contained within it was ending and revealing a complex indescribable reality, open eyes not wanting to go too far holding onto the physical world desperately seeking the physical life once again. It was hard coming back, almost like going through a battlefield. I struggled with the physical eyes, I think it was worse for the beings that compose the physical surrounding. To my right a being who formed the pink salt lamp on my bedside table molded back into it all the while staring directly at me - the whole melding into it seemed painful. In some way I felt bad for coming back and apologized to the beings. I thought about all the things I like about this reality and lately chocolate has been on my mind as well as melting in my mouth. I worded out 'chocolate' to them and how yummy it is even though it's not real. I wanted to grab my smartphone and visit a web page with the buddha teachings, as I held the phone my spine buzzed and I felt the connection between the human physical organism and electric powered device one that I can't describe properly right now. I look at the last page viewed which on the small screen filled with the title 'The Coming into Being of Worlds' - how appropriate. The screen as well as the words on it pulsed and waved. The nagging buzz made me put the phone down and buzzing subsided.

My eyes were doing something - all the cords connected to the eyeballs were burning and fizzing, this happened for quite a long time and I think had to do with the whole coming back too suddenly. Then I felt a light pressure and my body felt like it was going through the motions of sexual intercourse but not happening directly to my physical body, this was elsewhere and I was sharing the experience in some way. I could be wrong about this - it could even be something else but at the time this is what it felt like. I was also very aroused but kept my cool trying to stay in control.

A Clarifying Encounter - this particular inicdent is based on part physical reality incident which will clarify a salvia induced incident
Yesterday I went to collect my niece and nephew from school, I haven't done this in a long time but somehow the events played out so that I end up being in a certain place at a certain time just for a certain encounter. As I approached the school building in the heavy rain under my brolly a woman coming from the opposite end is also making her way to the building entrance. She keeps staring at me, to the point where I'm a little creeped out but more than that annoyed - it was simply rude. When I think about it her expression was rather unusual - a combination of curiousity mixed with a hint of shock or surprise and she even looked back as if to make sure of something.

Yesterday evening after a really long day I wanted to take a little trip with Salvia, this time the onset of the experience was very mild but I was almost immediately viewing spirits all around with closed eyes. I danced preparing for this trip just to see if they acknowledge my awesome dance moves. Guess what? they do - they were dancing somewhere near the spine re-enacting some of my moves only they were doing so very slowly as if teasing in some way. The spirit like beings were all over around me, we were headed somewhere or more like I was being carried along. Travelling we ended up somewhere nearby and an understanding came rushing to me almost in a flash. She saw me and perhaps recognized me but more importantly I recognized her and remembered meeting her in a previous salvia experience where the others took me locally to someone who lived not too far from me. It was the same woman I encountered at the school entrance earlier that day. It seems she has some kind of ability perhaps to see disincarnate spirits which could explain why she had that surprised look as if she had seen a ghost, only this time the ghost was an actual living person. I felt a little invaded somehow, wondering how many others knew about me, how many others are living around me with this kind of ability. I have to admit I was jealous when I realized she had this ability - kept wondering why I don't have that kind of clear open sight.  Of course we all have these abilities to a certain degree and clearly some people are more open than others.

This clears another suspicion of mine, another woman that I had met in an older salvia experience also has a physical existence and she lives nearby. Upon realizing all this I open my eyes not wanting to go any deeper. Anyways I do wonder why they took me to her, what was their intention?