Salvia Divinorum Defining Sexual Energy and The Way To Forgiveness

I chew the leaves afternoon. Heatwave.

The surroundings transform but only slightly, something in the brain has changed that my experiences are very different in quality. I would  not as visually as powerful as it has been previously except the insights are still powerful. In fact the insights are a lot stronger. Lots of knowings.

I am thinking on my abuser and what to do about my situation. Confrontation seems important at this time in my life and the opportunity is there. I am suddenly aware of why people have sex. An orgasm as an example, carries a great deal of information. It creates a blissful state but only lasts a moment. Another high. But so momentary, can only grasp for a moment.

The physical biological process is in alignment with an emotional process. When two people are procreating each partner is sending forth various energies, in thought patterns etc to create another living human being. There is something about this energy and I am now revisiting my first brush with the kundalini energy.

The sexual flow unlike anything I experienced my entire life. It wasn't like an arousal. I recall the voice, whose voice is it I still wonder. It told me to stay still and I listened. That was many years ago and only recently this year again the voice made it self audible in my ears. I'm not sure if it is the same exact voice but again it told me to stay still only this time warning me that my body will be destroyed perhaps due to damaged nervous system. I wrote about this here.

I think it's possible that during my abuse as a child I disassociated from my body. Probably the only way I was able to stay sane for at least a decade after the incident. From a more scientific perspective I remained unconscious but my brain continued to record the experience and then store it somewhere to revisit when necessary. Only in my teens did I get the flashback and it created a massive disturbance. When we ask for questions or ponder something our brain or mind looks for the answer, kind of like a personal google search engine.

I have done some reading on other people that were propelled into a kundalini awakening due to childhood trauma. During the sexual abuse as a child I think the person has left a part of something from his energetic field into mine and vice versa. Whilst his was given to me, mine was taken. I don't know if I'm even making any sense now but those who have been abused will say they feel as if something was taken from them. Innocence perhaps?

I know in my case the trauma paved the way for my future kundalini awakening.

I'm aware the entire time during this salvia session of all the energies around me. I am going into that same space where I always end up. That central part that I seem to refuse to accept - that I created my reality. I should take solace in the fact that I can then direct it in any way I like.

Unfortunately my mind is in such a state that I'm in victim mode, not a good place to give directions. I'm being told now to forgive, that for my own peace of mind I need to forgive. I have read about another woman and her kundalini awakening who had to relive a childhood trauma in order to release it and forgive her perpetrator.

I have decided to forgive and I confirm with the energies present at that moment I will forgive only if the perpetrator asks for forgiveness. I have also been thinking how I won't get a confession out of this person so I have set up something for him to say and if he has a hard time saying it then I'll know. I have already seen the many clues and signs throughout my life that confirms the rather unfortunate memory I buried a long time ago.

I'm actually shocked at myself that it has taken me 30 years to revolt and take action but it makes sense from the perspective of how much I have grown up from that frightened little girl to a mature woman who knows how to defend herself.

I hate reading about other people who talk about these trauma being some kind of way we repay our karmic debts or how it heightens our spiritually because as a victim I beg to ask the question Why? Why, God? Why put me through this shit? Then I read about other spiritual mumbo jumbo shit people spout about how we agreed to it and made a contract and so and so...Almost as if we are willing to tell ourselves anything just to feel good about ourselves.

I have clearly been angry but I know I cannot remain in anger for too long, it cripples me. I'm in that space now where I would like to move on. For the time being I am working on my memories to try to retrieve it fully.