Woke 5 or 6 am - doing UT again.
Too much energy - tried relaxing. By 8am doze off - no recall of transitional phase.
Zoomed out somewhere beyond space feels like I am veiwing the universe - changing faces made of stars and then atmosphere and various colors - something being told - revealed yet to recall.
When I first saw a face formed by lines connected or emanating from a collection of stars I instinctively looked away - too intense. Then looking back the colored spaces for one large face.
Other things took place - FAs and scenes I cannot recall since I'm writing this too late - all events are quickly fading. I awoke around 10am - rarely sleep till this time.
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
The DreamWeaver
This morning at 5am I was as usual having difficulty falling back to sleep - mind rampant with thoughts. Eventually relaxed which entails resting on my front side but still took effort getting comfortable. I could just get up and forget attempting to sleep next time but as the weather is so cold now I get a little lazy in the morning.
Maybe a few minutes or so after I relaxed entered the projection transitional state - there was residue of ear ringing sensations in right ear. This has not occurred in a long time and now that the sensation is back I was concerned because this is the same side where the lump developed.
Brain buzzing as the lucidity of my new or converted environment enhanced. Before I emerged into the new scenes fully there were voices and it seemed these were actual events - some that have happened and some that may happen. Some future 'I' was speaking to a woman regarding a bill - the scene which I didn't see with my eyes but rather felt it occurring was me on the telephone listening to a woman who seems familiar telling me something about £90,000. Don't worry about it too much, hasn't happened yet. Then I hear my niece speaking to my sister - she's staying over for the holidays - I felt I was listening to a conversation they had the previous night but no actual details to verify since everything was moving with speed. This initial stage was choppy, there were so many sounds and other voices.
There were patterns, strange looking objects in the sky - the lens were constantly changing. Again that curiosity - open eyes to check on physical environment. Brain starts to buzz more, eyes in a kind of locked position feeling like again I'm having to pry it open. I get this sense that in this state if I don't keep my eyes closed away from physical environment I have the potential to cause some physical damage. The physical environment objects were bulgy or it appeared so. Close eyes - go through the motions of the other environments playing out. Some moments there was this undeniable knowing that I was the one who was changing the environment - the patterns and visible objects were my own doing. Some part of me was creating each and every aspect of this other reality - the knowing wasn't static - some moments I grasp and know fully and then suddenly I am in awe at changing environment losing myself within it forgetting that I am the mastermind behind it.
Head starts to buzz as I move away from foreign scenes and enter several false awakenings. There is external physical distraction as I am in the last FA where I can't move my limbs. This slowly brings me back to physical reality but head and brain hurts so much. I force my eyes open in a state of grogginess - I simply want to fall asleep but have to get up. Even as I write this energy levels feel so depleted - this mornings event has caused major fatigue which I hope a quick nap might fix.
Maybe a few minutes or so after I relaxed entered the projection transitional state - there was residue of ear ringing sensations in right ear. This has not occurred in a long time and now that the sensation is back I was concerned because this is the same side where the lump developed.
Brain buzzing as the lucidity of my new or converted environment enhanced. Before I emerged into the new scenes fully there were voices and it seemed these were actual events - some that have happened and some that may happen. Some future 'I' was speaking to a woman regarding a bill - the scene which I didn't see with my eyes but rather felt it occurring was me on the telephone listening to a woman who seems familiar telling me something about £90,000. Don't worry about it too much, hasn't happened yet. Then I hear my niece speaking to my sister - she's staying over for the holidays - I felt I was listening to a conversation they had the previous night but no actual details to verify since everything was moving with speed. This initial stage was choppy, there were so many sounds and other voices.
There were patterns, strange looking objects in the sky - the lens were constantly changing. Again that curiosity - open eyes to check on physical environment. Brain starts to buzz more, eyes in a kind of locked position feeling like again I'm having to pry it open. I get this sense that in this state if I don't keep my eyes closed away from physical environment I have the potential to cause some physical damage. The physical environment objects were bulgy or it appeared so. Close eyes - go through the motions of the other environments playing out. Some moments there was this undeniable knowing that I was the one who was changing the environment - the patterns and visible objects were my own doing. Some part of me was creating each and every aspect of this other reality - the knowing wasn't static - some moments I grasp and know fully and then suddenly I am in awe at changing environment losing myself within it forgetting that I am the mastermind behind it.
Head starts to buzz as I move away from foreign scenes and enter several false awakenings. There is external physical distraction as I am in the last FA where I can't move my limbs. This slowly brings me back to physical reality but head and brain hurts so much. I force my eyes open in a state of grogginess - I simply want to fall asleep but have to get up. Even as I write this energy levels feel so depleted - this mornings event has caused major fatigue which I hope a quick nap might fix.
Sunday, 11 December 2011
Salvia End of Fast - Detachment
Prior to this event I was not having a great day - nurse getting on my nerves, pressuring me to carry on with toxic treatment as I rejected it and decided to take matters into my own hands. It seemed this incident was necessary to learn to say no and not let others try to control me - a kind of releasing. I almost broke down around my family members today which is not something I do often - but the nurse really triggered something and it was all coming out. I know these health professionals mean well and are only trying to help but they are so scarily persistent.
My fasting past 3 days hasn't been a 100% - sometimes tasting small amounts of food.
In the evening maybe around 7am - perfect setting, quiet without distractions as though all planned out.
Chew 2 quids, not that many leaves - fasting for longer periods would perhaps require less. As I chew the transition builds up more smoothly - everything about this experience was smooth. It started with my disturbing thoughts about the illness I have -
"Death is quicker and easier - I don't want to be lame. What is the joy in living if you don't have an arm or a leg?" It was a rhetorical question but I received the answer and the thoughts were from the same place where I thought up the question. "Why are you so worried about being lame. Joy isn't in your legs or your arms - joy is JOY!"
Tears swell up - I try to stop from cheeks getting wet but can't help it. Though the fact of the thought was so beautiful it brought me to tears I tell the others that it was beautiful because I thought it.
Laying down watching the others hovering above a tear drops down - and that tear was some kind of beautiful essence, something about it was so delicate - it required certain unique combination of feelings to bring it forth - I was in so much awe of this drop of tear as though it contained some special energy.
I relax and enter that other state inwardly with the inner visuals, this time mind calm and no focus on breathing. I see them much clearer now. Had a yogurt earlier with honey and within the body I see the energy that I had consumed - a group of living entities. We're entering a live stream and in this stream I am aware of several facts - the TB I got is an energy group - everything is energy.
So totally calm and in a quiet state - I face the others in a kind of circle. Some kind of meeting going on - something pulling. I realize I am something else getting so close to primary source - and I am that Self knowing truly that the physical is but a dream.
I recall at some point when my eyes were open the shadow around light fixing was fluttering and moving about - I thought about how I have to be around someone and show them this other state but I have to be in that state for them to enter. I have tried it - with niece and sisters it didn't work and yet I know it can work.
All other knowings coming at such a speed there is a desire - the desire to share with others starting with family members but there is also the thought that I will end up institutionalized.
I realize they are pulling the life out of my physical shell and I am quick to protest I don't want the physical shell to come to an end. Everyone is suddenly aware of me and it appears they are taken aback. I open eyes - communication is so difficult - how do I speak to them clearly when I'm still so blended with physical shell and its identity. A darkened kind of energy comes forth and I know this to be that uncontrollable sexual energy - I certainly don't want to play with them but naturally they back away. Eyes open looking above I clasp my hands together and slowly pulling one hand away from the other very slowly demonstrating that they can help pull that Self /Soul away from the body like that. But how do I tell them to make sure they do not end the physical shell. Made a mental note that when I am more physically focused I will do a drawing of what I am suggesting perhaps with a cord as a symbol of that other part (soul, self whatever one would want to call it) even though thinking of it was enough.
The others nodded their heads and reached down as if they understood, more pulling going on within and for a while all kinds of physical sensations were present. All the while through though felt I wasn't ready to go further. I was suddenly agitated and I think I was worried that maybe they misunderstood and were trying to end the physical existence rather than creating some kind of balance where it was possible to go from one existence to the other. I didn't mind dying didn't seem like a big deal and started creating plans to leave some kind of will behind and spend more time with loved ones. After a while I just kept fidgeting. Sleep interrupted throughout the night - I was hardly asleep - a constant nagging restlessness.
My fasting past 3 days hasn't been a 100% - sometimes tasting small amounts of food.
In the evening maybe around 7am - perfect setting, quiet without distractions as though all planned out.
Chew 2 quids, not that many leaves - fasting for longer periods would perhaps require less. As I chew the transition builds up more smoothly - everything about this experience was smooth. It started with my disturbing thoughts about the illness I have -
"Death is quicker and easier - I don't want to be lame. What is the joy in living if you don't have an arm or a leg?" It was a rhetorical question but I received the answer and the thoughts were from the same place where I thought up the question. "Why are you so worried about being lame. Joy isn't in your legs or your arms - joy is JOY!"
Tears swell up - I try to stop from cheeks getting wet but can't help it. Though the fact of the thought was so beautiful it brought me to tears I tell the others that it was beautiful because I thought it.
Laying down watching the others hovering above a tear drops down - and that tear was some kind of beautiful essence, something about it was so delicate - it required certain unique combination of feelings to bring it forth - I was in so much awe of this drop of tear as though it contained some special energy.
I relax and enter that other state inwardly with the inner visuals, this time mind calm and no focus on breathing. I see them much clearer now. Had a yogurt earlier with honey and within the body I see the energy that I had consumed - a group of living entities. We're entering a live stream and in this stream I am aware of several facts - the TB I got is an energy group - everything is energy.
So totally calm and in a quiet state - I face the others in a kind of circle. Some kind of meeting going on - something pulling. I realize I am something else getting so close to primary source - and I am that Self knowing truly that the physical is but a dream.
I recall at some point when my eyes were open the shadow around light fixing was fluttering and moving about - I thought about how I have to be around someone and show them this other state but I have to be in that state for them to enter. I have tried it - with niece and sisters it didn't work and yet I know it can work.
All other knowings coming at such a speed there is a desire - the desire to share with others starting with family members but there is also the thought that I will end up institutionalized.
I realize they are pulling the life out of my physical shell and I am quick to protest I don't want the physical shell to come to an end. Everyone is suddenly aware of me and it appears they are taken aback. I open eyes - communication is so difficult - how do I speak to them clearly when I'm still so blended with physical shell and its identity. A darkened kind of energy comes forth and I know this to be that uncontrollable sexual energy - I certainly don't want to play with them but naturally they back away. Eyes open looking above I clasp my hands together and slowly pulling one hand away from the other very slowly demonstrating that they can help pull that Self /Soul away from the body like that. But how do I tell them to make sure they do not end the physical shell. Made a mental note that when I am more physically focused I will do a drawing of what I am suggesting perhaps with a cord as a symbol of that other part (soul, self whatever one would want to call it) even though thinking of it was enough.
The others nodded their heads and reached down as if they understood, more pulling going on within and for a while all kinds of physical sensations were present. All the while through though felt I wasn't ready to go further. I was suddenly agitated and I think I was worried that maybe they misunderstood and were trying to end the physical existence rather than creating some kind of balance where it was possible to go from one existence to the other. I didn't mind dying didn't seem like a big deal and started creating plans to leave some kind of will behind and spend more time with loved ones. After a while I just kept fidgeting. Sleep interrupted throughout the night - I was hardly asleep - a constant nagging restlessness.
Thursday, 8 December 2011
In Between 2 States
I slept last night feeling devotional which comes with a package of emotions that are uplifting. Sleep was interrupted twice - once at 2am and the other at 4am. It was during the latter I was so fidgety and could not sleep nor did I want to bother getting up - I think now I may have been a little dehydrated and should've drank some water.
I think around 7am I relaxed, focused on the breathing and forehead area. I was expecting something similar to what I experienced in 'The Wise'. It is really the most lucid and solid visual I've had of the others and I felt this way I could communicate more directly.
Instead I ended up at my secondary school. I recently had an opportunity to revisit this school in reality. In this vision I entered the buildings, going from classroom to classroom wondering if I am really there or it was all just in my mind to begin with. I knew as I moved about and explored that my body was in bed and I got curious. Opened eyes and moved a little - a huge mistake. I felt something pried into the brain and movement caused an incredible amount of pain. Knowing I have to remain absolutely still I closed eyes and once again entered the school visual - some brain activity - a surgical procedure being carried out in the brain and I felt that in last nights salvia session.
I think around 7am I relaxed, focused on the breathing and forehead area. I was expecting something similar to what I experienced in 'The Wise'. It is really the most lucid and solid visual I've had of the others and I felt this way I could communicate more directly.
Instead I ended up at my secondary school. I recently had an opportunity to revisit this school in reality. In this vision I entered the buildings, going from classroom to classroom wondering if I am really there or it was all just in my mind to begin with. I knew as I moved about and explored that my body was in bed and I got curious. Opened eyes and moved a little - a huge mistake. I felt something pried into the brain and movement caused an incredible amount of pain. Knowing I have to remain absolutely still I closed eyes and once again entered the school visual - some brain activity - a surgical procedure being carried out in the brain and I felt that in last nights salvia session.
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
Salvia Fasting Incident
Fasted for the whole day - well almost - did taste a little bit of food but decided against giving into that craving. I also decided against using Salvia for today simply because the emotional repercussions were not at all pleasant but it seems that I don't get to decide. In the evening my mind changed due to the house being quiet and I just felt compelled.
Used a very small amount - two small quids. Eventually the chewing felt awkward. Entire mouth area numbed, losing feeling and so gradually my mouth felt too stiff to carry on.
I relaxed closing my eyes, I'm as quiet as I can be - no giving into breathing or awareness of it as this creates havoc (entity attraction - some can be unpleasant).
At first a lot of small incidents occur - travelling with the others. I recall one incident involved getting inside several dogs that I feel lived nearby in my neighbourhood. The thing with dogs is that they are charged with a lot of sexual energy. I felt upset even insulted and miss those earlier Salvia sessions in which friends had taken me to cool incredible adventuruous areas I wonder why these have stopped. I remain calm try not to give in or react.
Soon there were a multitude of beings that represented certain energies - each housed within the body, it was like the body is a projected small structure of the entire world - perhaps even the universe. Many elders present - somewhere in between I give into breathing and attract attention. The elders come through each observing me carefully. There is definitely something going on in the left side of the body. Movement strong from leg travelling movement to left part of neck to the head. Though through this awareness I realize to a greater degree I am not the body I feel uncomfortable and sense a lump near left neck - I keep thinking it is perhaps a thryoid problem since something there definitely feels large. My left toe nails have been growing quicker than right toe nails whcih I've noticed for about a month now and feel somehow this is related to the changes in the left side of the body. So out of habit move left arm which caused an incredible amount of pain. Take a quick feel and place arm back in position.
Things starting to make so much sense, in particular the experience in 'Kundalini Illusions' and some other various past experiences. I open eyes hazy visuals of them blended in physical environment. Close eyes but visuals are diminishing slowly. I see them rushing to the third eye area, feeling a crowd of them pulling this area. It feels like they are working hard trying to keep the visuals open and permanent. I feel movement in the cords that connect the eyes to the brain and momentarily fear that they might end up causing blindness.
Eventually I open eyes again and let it all subside but the sensations and movements within body are ongoing and intense. I'm glad I fasted and I think I might end the fast on friday.
Used a very small amount - two small quids. Eventually the chewing felt awkward. Entire mouth area numbed, losing feeling and so gradually my mouth felt too stiff to carry on.
I relaxed closing my eyes, I'm as quiet as I can be - no giving into breathing or awareness of it as this creates havoc (entity attraction - some can be unpleasant).
At first a lot of small incidents occur - travelling with the others. I recall one incident involved getting inside several dogs that I feel lived nearby in my neighbourhood. The thing with dogs is that they are charged with a lot of sexual energy. I felt upset even insulted and miss those earlier Salvia sessions in which friends had taken me to cool incredible adventuruous areas I wonder why these have stopped. I remain calm try not to give in or react.
Soon there were a multitude of beings that represented certain energies - each housed within the body, it was like the body is a projected small structure of the entire world - perhaps even the universe. Many elders present - somewhere in between I give into breathing and attract attention. The elders come through each observing me carefully. There is definitely something going on in the left side of the body. Movement strong from leg travelling movement to left part of neck to the head. Though through this awareness I realize to a greater degree I am not the body I feel uncomfortable and sense a lump near left neck - I keep thinking it is perhaps a thryoid problem since something there definitely feels large. My left toe nails have been growing quicker than right toe nails whcih I've noticed for about a month now and feel somehow this is related to the changes in the left side of the body. So out of habit move left arm which caused an incredible amount of pain. Take a quick feel and place arm back in position.
Things starting to make so much sense, in particular the experience in 'Kundalini Illusions' and some other various past experiences. I open eyes hazy visuals of them blended in physical environment. Close eyes but visuals are diminishing slowly. I see them rushing to the third eye area, feeling a crowd of them pulling this area. It feels like they are working hard trying to keep the visuals open and permanent. I feel movement in the cords that connect the eyes to the brain and momentarily fear that they might end up causing blindness.
Eventually I open eyes again and let it all subside but the sensations and movements within body are ongoing and intense. I'm glad I fasted and I think I might end the fast on friday.
Monday, 5 December 2011
Salvia Fasting
03/12/2011 - Evening take Salvia, this time leaves in quid form, no crumbles. So much easier and more comfortable chewing whole leaves rather than crumbles. Not so bitter.
15 minutes later relaxed, eyes closed and become aware of the others inside the body and around physical environment. I haven't taken Salvia for quite some time or at least not as much as usual. The day before I intended to take Salvia I was feeling incredibly sexual. Somehow 'others' inducing the sexual arousal. As I go deeper everyone within me and all the energies external in a sexual communion. I wonder if this is some kind of test to see if I can endure the temptations. I remain still trying to show them that they have no effect on me whatsoever but the body reveals otherwise. I am conflicted - at the same time that I want to embrace everything I am trying to restrain myself. There is nothing wrong with feeling sexual - only when there is too much of it it needs to be maintained responsibly so that it is not wasted on physical sensations.
Today -
Felt guided to fast before this session so yesterday I fasted (drinking only water and herbal teas) - kept myself busy by running chores. This morning I chewed the leaves - about 2 quids. Relaxed - body entities detaching. I remain as still as I possibly can but at some point move left arm, female entities laugh as I feel the pain of my action. Somehow feel that they are laughing because I act as if I am the body. Rest arm - knowing that they are trying to do something. Continue to relax, fortunately no sexual arousal this time. Things changing - awareness of inner workings, of the mind. Feel myself controlling everything - that I am doing it all but not aware that I am doing it. Almost as if I am the one who placed the blindfold over my eyes and acting as if another had done it. In the mind I can see how whatever I'm imagining is appearing before me - and I can unimagine it all. Relax some more - have to remain still. The others marching around, changing something but there is distraction. Already I'm so depressed by what has been revealed still holding onto external reality. Want to end the fast - I want to eat and this desire is simply a result of the conjured emotions from within. I can't let them continue and start communicating with them. Movement near forehead, they're piercing top of head - a little worried I thought they were pulling my hair out but sensations were inside the head.
Lately something has been happening to the left side of neck - I get this feeling that certain conditions may appear. After lump on right side of neck, diagnosed as TB, I'm not sure how much more I can handle even though they have caused no physical pain the emotional stuff is not something I can continue with. I know the key is fasting, I can feel that the reason they are moving more smoothly within me in this session is because I had fasted for one day which was so tough but what a difference one day can make. The whole point of fasting is to create a clearing within the physical organism. I knew as I was in that state, a person who after fasting for some time can call out to the Source of life and something extraordinary would take place, but the call has to be genuine.
I broke out of that state by opening eyes and despite that movements internal ongoing. I have stated to the others that my intentions are to fast and I'm starting by Wednesday and next Salvia session will commence on Friday. Haven't decided when I will end the fast possibly in the weekend. I cannot simply fast during these days and keep myself busy with action in order to hide from hunger - the fast must be accompanied by prayer, meditation, pranayama, and relaxation - no physical exertion.
I try not to doubt that I can do this, fasting is very difficult - requires a lot of willpower to not give into hunger. I have changed the way I eat so maybe it won't be so difficult - my diet is simple - lots of sprouts most of which have become bland in flavour over time. I eat small portions of fruit (dried and fresh) and vegetables - in that Salvia induced state I got a massive craving for dried fruits.
15 minutes later relaxed, eyes closed and become aware of the others inside the body and around physical environment. I haven't taken Salvia for quite some time or at least not as much as usual. The day before I intended to take Salvia I was feeling incredibly sexual. Somehow 'others' inducing the sexual arousal. As I go deeper everyone within me and all the energies external in a sexual communion. I wonder if this is some kind of test to see if I can endure the temptations. I remain still trying to show them that they have no effect on me whatsoever but the body reveals otherwise. I am conflicted - at the same time that I want to embrace everything I am trying to restrain myself. There is nothing wrong with feeling sexual - only when there is too much of it it needs to be maintained responsibly so that it is not wasted on physical sensations.
Today -
Felt guided to fast before this session so yesterday I fasted (drinking only water and herbal teas) - kept myself busy by running chores. This morning I chewed the leaves - about 2 quids. Relaxed - body entities detaching. I remain as still as I possibly can but at some point move left arm, female entities laugh as I feel the pain of my action. Somehow feel that they are laughing because I act as if I am the body. Rest arm - knowing that they are trying to do something. Continue to relax, fortunately no sexual arousal this time. Things changing - awareness of inner workings, of the mind. Feel myself controlling everything - that I am doing it all but not aware that I am doing it. Almost as if I am the one who placed the blindfold over my eyes and acting as if another had done it. In the mind I can see how whatever I'm imagining is appearing before me - and I can unimagine it all. Relax some more - have to remain still. The others marching around, changing something but there is distraction. Already I'm so depressed by what has been revealed still holding onto external reality. Want to end the fast - I want to eat and this desire is simply a result of the conjured emotions from within. I can't let them continue and start communicating with them. Movement near forehead, they're piercing top of head - a little worried I thought they were pulling my hair out but sensations were inside the head.
Lately something has been happening to the left side of neck - I get this feeling that certain conditions may appear. After lump on right side of neck, diagnosed as TB, I'm not sure how much more I can handle even though they have caused no physical pain the emotional stuff is not something I can continue with. I know the key is fasting, I can feel that the reason they are moving more smoothly within me in this session is because I had fasted for one day which was so tough but what a difference one day can make. The whole point of fasting is to create a clearing within the physical organism. I knew as I was in that state, a person who after fasting for some time can call out to the Source of life and something extraordinary would take place, but the call has to be genuine.
I broke out of that state by opening eyes and despite that movements internal ongoing. I have stated to the others that my intentions are to fast and I'm starting by Wednesday and next Salvia session will commence on Friday. Haven't decided when I will end the fast possibly in the weekend. I cannot simply fast during these days and keep myself busy with action in order to hide from hunger - the fast must be accompanied by prayer, meditation, pranayama, and relaxation - no physical exertion.
I try not to doubt that I can do this, fasting is very difficult - requires a lot of willpower to not give into hunger. I have changed the way I eat so maybe it won't be so difficult - my diet is simple - lots of sprouts most of which have become bland in flavour over time. I eat small portions of fruit (dried and fresh) and vegetables - in that Salvia induced state I got a massive craving for dried fruits.
Friday, 2 December 2011
The Trees Are Breathing
Staring out window at the waxing crescent moon - the clouds around it clearly forming. I just suddenly felt like looking out the window to stare at the night sky for a while. Glanced at the tree beneath it across the garden, briefly staring there was a feeling that the brain was operating different to usual in this quiet serene state. The numerous branches pulsing and waving in and out - the entire tree seemed to be breathing. Then when I observed the many faces formed by the branches and whatever leaves remained the heads would look to be bopping.
Like changing lenses - one lens showed the entire tree as a living breathing being and another lens revealed the many countless faces of other beings - it seems like an infinite number of beings can and do exist within this one tree. That entire tree as it pulsed in that energetic wave took my breath away. Interestingly I was able to remove focus from this kind of viewing and deliberately return to it merely by being still and quiet within.
Like changing lenses - one lens showed the entire tree as a living breathing being and another lens revealed the many countless faces of other beings - it seems like an infinite number of beings can and do exist within this one tree. That entire tree as it pulsed in that energetic wave took my breath away. Interestingly I was able to remove focus from this kind of viewing and deliberately return to it merely by being still and quiet within.
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