Realization - more details

After the realization experience I slept a sleepless sleep that night. I was both asleep and awake - hard to describe.

The following day I noted down everything I was able to recall - in this case it wasn't much about recollection but how to express it in words. Here's what I wrote:

Once again I may lose what I received last night. In the same way that butter melts reality was melting - in its melted form this other reality is rather slippery.

Like I've mentioned before there are beings/energies - I feel I should call them forces as they appear to have a power beyond what we could imagine. It also almost seems that our lives are at their mercy, maybe not entirely. There is also our own force, not something we posses but something that possesses us.

There was a phase I went through last year that I didn't write much about nor tell anyone - I became heavily obsessed with conspiracy theories, reptilians etc to the point where David Icke was my idol (this occurred some months before the Kundalini experience). All that stuff now looks like courtroom drama.

I am still thinking what words I should start with - where do I start from, how do I begin to describe the indescribable. On the one hand I feel I could describe it to some degree, on the other hand the only way to really understand this is to directly experience it.

Outwardly it is nothing different to my previous experiences with Salvia. However, I went deeper and witnessed the inner working at a deeper level. I have no choice but to write about all that occurred without the 'profound' element because that is something you have to experience as it is completely inexpressible in words.

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I chewed the Salvia leaves expecting very little this time as the leaves were mostly just crumbles - I had to sieve it when draining. I had no particular intention - just wanted to use up the remaining leaves and be done with it. I think it is my not having any goal, intention no asking any questions that helped allow a new opening - there are no ambitions clouding or shaping my experience so that I see everything as it really is.

Chewed away, transition fast. All shifted, this time I feel I am 'seated' in that being - it's almost as though there's been a switch, instead of 'it' wearing 'me' I am wearing 'it'. Or what seems more likely to me is that Being is experiencing what it already knows to be whilst wearing me more fully. All around me are other Beings, the Forces that be. Everyone are Being who they really are There in that Reality, not a Physical Reality, but the Reality that powers the Physical Reality.

We're at some event, the impression I get is that it is a wedding ceremony. I feel somehow I'm an impostor - the wedding crasher, like I was not meant to be there.

It is like I'm hiding under the table, it is not really a table just metaphorically it is. There is a Being hovering above me, then another 2 Beings, all together it seems like a Force hovering above me. It appears the Forces are passing by moving from A to B, but really what is happening is that there is an energy in play in front of me. From this energy the formless is taking form. I am surrounded now, and all look at me with suspicion or maybe it was curiosity.

I am simply witnessing silently, the formless that binds the form (PR) and the physical matter receives its quality from this formless. A dam has burst somewhere and I am drowning in a great flood of understanding, in that moment I know more than I have ever known.

I understand the plight of all those who have this Realization experience, this realization about the nature of reality, nature of one's being. How unreal all this physical reality actually is, and who we really are and the very fact that who we think we are is not real.

PR is being put back together, I wonder is it that reality is being put back together or the faculty through which the PR is perceived is being rearranged. Whatever it is, the element that allows me to see this aspect of Reality is being deactivated - we're all back in position, like little soldiers we're doing as commanded. Again we have to pretend now and once again assume whatever role we decided to play, only I am pretending to be pretending. The forces come back to me once again all attention on me. Once you truly know, this whole affair of pretending becomes a very strange task and hard to do. I try to be charming, bat my eyelashes but only metaphorically and my eyes widen, metaphorically stretching. I'm trying to do something to divert their attention so that they don't notice that I'm too 'aware' to be pretending.

Coming more into ordinary waking consciousness no doubt highly transformed from what it used to be, I get on the computer to write about this while it is all so fresh in my mind, but I thought deeply about this and wondered who am I writing to, who will be reading this - after all nobody exists. Regardless there was this urge to get it all down asap, I typed blogger in google search and the black and white Oscar Wilde google logo caught my still infused vision - clicked on it feeling strongly that there is a message in it.

'A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.' - Oscar Wilde

The message was clear and it got my attention and I know who sent it - it is from the Forces that I've witnessed - they send messages, all kinds of messages like this all the time. We are mostly not aware of them because we get too caught up in the illusion, but their presence is more closer to us than what we can mentally perceive. The animal totems for eg. are one kind of message - their messages are all around us and not just externally - everything that we ever need to know is closer to us than our flesh and bones. Intuition is the tool through which messages are much more enhanced but the best form of messaging is direct Knowing. There is still so much that I don't know and understand like:

What is the purpose of this illusion?
Why are we acting, playing these roles?
Who created this illusion?
What is our purpose here in this illusion?
Who are the Forces?
Are there good Forces or bad Forces? (I get this feeling that there is neither good nor bad Forces)
and of course whose wedding did I crash?

As you could imagine I have so many more questions and I will think about them at another time. Since taking Salvia that night my head feels like it is being cracked open - the pain is immense, still present as I write this.

There seems to be a kind of after-effect of this experience which includes freedom - from worry, pain (I can even handle the immense pain in my head), and the freedom from fear. Somehow nothing in this illusion seems to be of any consequence.