This dream started off very bizzare. First I go inside a kitchen, there is a young man with a hammer who is contemplating whether to smash the edge of the worktop. I am thinking he shouldn't do it as he'll get in trouble. Another man walks in takes hammer and smashes the worktop - I get the feeling he's a police and just framed the other lad and his intention is to wrongly arrest him. The young man walks out and house is locked down, I walk out to garden and a huge barrier falls down making it impossible to escape.
I squat down and start embracing the man who is left behind and things get sexual from here. This man eventually just disappears right in front of me and I realize I might have just thought him up. I look up to see SP - the attractive version. He looks younger. He is staring at me in sympathy. His stare tells me that he will join me and let me experiment on him as opposed to my imagination. Just as he gets down he is summoned by another woman, who grabs him as he looks at me apologetically. My mouth opens wide and I'm really upset. There is a circle of partners doing some country like dance. I'm thinking where's my partner, how about me? Suddenly I realize I'm a black woman and in the circle there is a black man who I feel is supposed to be my partner. He looks at me knowingly and his partner is coming to tell me that they're just friends and that I should go join him.
I simply look away, still upset and very hurt also maybe jealous about something. I start crying in pain and storm out through a door. I am outside and across the road in a cafe I spot Simon Cowell - we know each other and I'm hoping he'll show some sympathy and try to console me. Instead he looks away pretending he didn't see me and even embarrassed by my appearance. I walk away even more hurt and lonely. As I walk on the vast pavement and this area just filled with so many artificial buildings I say to myself that I'm gonna get on any random bus and let it take me wherever it pleases. I walk and to my right view a glass building, ponder it for a while recognizing it as a hospital.
As I walk I look up at the big sky that is filled with too many sky scrapers, a sight that looks ghastly and break out in a song not a care in the world that people are gonna stare at me like I've lost my marbles.
I sing:
Look at the sky filled up with silly things
How can we change the world, how can we lead
How can the blind lead the blind
How can the blind see the Truth
The amazing thing about my singing was that I was not even thinking the words before they came out, they just poured out of me without a single thought. The melody was 'Walking in the air' from 'The Snowman'. I recall upon waking up that my mouth was opening while singing, like I must've mouthed the words in the physical while singing in the dream.
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Sunday, 18 July 2010
Salvia Zooming Out
Last night since I was feeling better I decided to journey with Salvia.
My intention with Salvia last night was to have a greater understanding of the self - the self that is mentioned quite a lot in the Bhagavad Gita and Upanishads.
12:50am chewed on 5 quid balls made out of 20 leaves, mostly large. I kept feeling it was not going to be effective, that somehow the dose was not enough to go deep though higher than before despite it working last time to some degree. Don't know why I keep having doubts during the chewing process. I lay down no external sound as I have ear plugs on. The effects do kick in but feels mild - had too much control I thought I'm gonna snap out of it easily. Can't recall if eyes were closed or open. Things have definitely shifted & suddenly I feel I'm riding in some carriage - is the physical body the carriage, and the carriage is just shifting shape?
I see the surrounding that is shifting is in communication with me. At some point I felt the ear plugs in my ears were distracting - took them out, they felt like 2 big sausages. I also recall that it will be better taking the ear plugs out so a physical sound, or something physical will help me to return in case I get too deep.
Going back I thought that was it - I disrupted the effects by making physical movement and that I'm going to return to normal waking consciousness, but instead I go deeper, much deeper. Consiousness is spreading as though there is a magnifying glass zooming out, I am observing the bigger or still just a small part of the bigger picture. I am among other beings invisible to the eye, there is a competition and there before me is a part of my creation - a small part of something bigger than I was able to comprehend. Inside this small part were other smaller parts like tiny microscopic cells - it appeared from this greater vantage point that the Earth, the galaxy that contains Earth & its inhabitants were but tiny microscopic fractions of the tiniest cells.
Then without words I am saying "Look at that creation". The creation I am referring to is the one containing Earth as I am feeling this I am no longer Jasmine and she is just a part of that creation.
I say that that creation is the greatest. I am speaking to something greater than the expanded perspective I had assumed or did it assume me? - the other beings are also in a similar fashion trying to get the attention from this greater presence.
It's almost as if I am trying to seduce this presence with the creation that lay before me in its magnificent form. Another analogy would be a sales person trying to sell a product. Only we're not selling for money, our hopes seem to remain in the response of that greater presence in our midst. We were vying for attention or acknowledgement from this great presence.
My intention was to meet, to know the Immortal Self or even be but I think I may have got more than I bargained for. I looked down at the creation & looking at it I knew there was still room for improvement that I could still perfect it.
Gently my consciousness zoomed in & focused back into the physical lump that now with the greater perspective I knew it was just a creation - can be discarded, can be re created , can be improved etc. I recall, as a part of that greater consciousness and not the personality of this Earth, Jasmine, that I wondered when I became little/zoomed in/focused again if I am to shout or scream out in that physical body would the cosmos, that great presence hear me.
Another analogy that comes to mind regarding that larger perspective of a small part of something big is that it was a dance movement and upon contemplation I felt there was some way that I could improve that particular dance move - that the One who's attention I was vying for was worth so much more than what I thought was great. All I wanted to do was please that magnificent presence who was invisible, not in a master slave kind of way but with natural auto compliance.
There is still so much that is left unsaid about this experience, and I could come up with a 100 different analogies to try to describe in detail everything that took place (since that is really the only way I can) however I feel no words could make anyone understand what it feels like to suddenly realize that the life, the physical reality one calls real is really just a creation, created by a Creator who was seeking admiration, at the very least some acknowledgement from a presence that engulfs this Creator. This Creator exists for that presence. There is still so much that I can learn from Salvia - there are still some pieces missing that can help me make sense from all that I've already learnt.
While writing this I still feel very ungrounded, everything still appears slightly wobbly and a bit dizzy. This also happened last time, especially when I am on the computer I seem to get unstably dizzy I would definitely have to limit my use of Salvia.
I was back by 1:30something am, about 20 minutes passed since feeling the effects of Salvia.
My intention with Salvia last night was to have a greater understanding of the self - the self that is mentioned quite a lot in the Bhagavad Gita and Upanishads.
12:50am chewed on 5 quid balls made out of 20 leaves, mostly large. I kept feeling it was not going to be effective, that somehow the dose was not enough to go deep though higher than before despite it working last time to some degree. Don't know why I keep having doubts during the chewing process. I lay down no external sound as I have ear plugs on. The effects do kick in but feels mild - had too much control I thought I'm gonna snap out of it easily. Can't recall if eyes were closed or open. Things have definitely shifted & suddenly I feel I'm riding in some carriage - is the physical body the carriage, and the carriage is just shifting shape?
I see the surrounding that is shifting is in communication with me. At some point I felt the ear plugs in my ears were distracting - took them out, they felt like 2 big sausages. I also recall that it will be better taking the ear plugs out so a physical sound, or something physical will help me to return in case I get too deep.
Going back I thought that was it - I disrupted the effects by making physical movement and that I'm going to return to normal waking consciousness, but instead I go deeper, much deeper. Consiousness is spreading as though there is a magnifying glass zooming out, I am observing the bigger or still just a small part of the bigger picture. I am among other beings invisible to the eye, there is a competition and there before me is a part of my creation - a small part of something bigger than I was able to comprehend. Inside this small part were other smaller parts like tiny microscopic cells - it appeared from this greater vantage point that the Earth, the galaxy that contains Earth & its inhabitants were but tiny microscopic fractions of the tiniest cells.
Then without words I am saying "Look at that creation". The creation I am referring to is the one containing Earth as I am feeling this I am no longer Jasmine and she is just a part of that creation.
I say that that creation is the greatest. I am speaking to something greater than the expanded perspective I had assumed or did it assume me? - the other beings are also in a similar fashion trying to get the attention from this greater presence.
It's almost as if I am trying to seduce this presence with the creation that lay before me in its magnificent form. Another analogy would be a sales person trying to sell a product. Only we're not selling for money, our hopes seem to remain in the response of that greater presence in our midst. We were vying for attention or acknowledgement from this great presence.
My intention was to meet, to know the Immortal Self or even be but I think I may have got more than I bargained for. I looked down at the creation & looking at it I knew there was still room for improvement that I could still perfect it.
Gently my consciousness zoomed in & focused back into the physical lump that now with the greater perspective I knew it was just a creation - can be discarded, can be re created , can be improved etc. I recall, as a part of that greater consciousness and not the personality of this Earth, Jasmine, that I wondered when I became little/zoomed in/focused again if I am to shout or scream out in that physical body would the cosmos, that great presence hear me.
Another analogy that comes to mind regarding that larger perspective of a small part of something big is that it was a dance movement and upon contemplation I felt there was some way that I could improve that particular dance move - that the One who's attention I was vying for was worth so much more than what I thought was great. All I wanted to do was please that magnificent presence who was invisible, not in a master slave kind of way but with natural auto compliance.
There is still so much that is left unsaid about this experience, and I could come up with a 100 different analogies to try to describe in detail everything that took place (since that is really the only way I can) however I feel no words could make anyone understand what it feels like to suddenly realize that the life, the physical reality one calls real is really just a creation, created by a Creator who was seeking admiration, at the very least some acknowledgement from a presence that engulfs this Creator. This Creator exists for that presence. There is still so much that I can learn from Salvia - there are still some pieces missing that can help me make sense from all that I've already learnt.
While writing this I still feel very ungrounded, everything still appears slightly wobbly and a bit dizzy. This also happened last time, especially when I am on the computer I seem to get unstably dizzy I would definitely have to limit my use of Salvia.
I was back by 1:30something am, about 20 minutes passed since feeling the effects of Salvia.
Saturday, 17 July 2010
Salvia Dreams
Dreaming a lot about Salvia in past few days, I have wanted to take it via buccal method but fell ill 3 days ago, bug that I caught from another person.
Dreams are about chewing and having discussions about it, very unrecallable just that Salvia was involved and main subject of dreams.
Recovering right now so will plan out for the coming days.
Dreams are about chewing and having discussions about it, very unrecallable just that Salvia was involved and main subject of dreams.
Recovering right now so will plan out for the coming days.
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Salvia's Illusions
At 1:05am after inserting earplugs I began the chewing process, I used more leaves than last time but they were smaller in size. I was a bit worried about putting more in, it seemed sufficient but really I was second guessing myself.
At 1:20am I was done and around this time the effects kicked in. I lay back with my blanket over myself, not sure I will use this blanket again as at the end it produced so much static. Closed eyes, but I knew that the effect was wearing of fast coz the dose was less compared to the last time. So I chewed vigorously the remaining bits of Salvia and the shift kicked in (the chewing plays a big part in the activation of Salv A).
Then I wasn't sure my eyes were closed coz my room was suddenly visible. My surrounding bulged in and out of shape very gradually. One side of the wall that was being shifted was bulging out and right about this time it was like something was coercing or suggesting to me that this 'bulging' should be there. I was not having it, and just by recalling what that part of my room looked like I put it back together. I started to blend in with the surrounding (a fragment of the Oneness experience ). I knew that like the first time I was merging into everything, there was no melting just a blending. Around me everything was like play dough, being molded into different shapes, but I knew that originally I was in my bedroom and recalled how this looked and once again I am in the process of putting it all back together. When surrounding looked normal again I was still under the spell but greatly disappointed that I had not gone as deep as I did previously and realized I should've increased the dose, but at the same time there was also something else that was bugging me.
My room was still normal, I however was still blended with the surrounding and then a most startling thing happened. The right side of me that was blended was almost breathing in and out - but I noticed a glitch that I can't describe, a sensation? or a feeling? a sudden undeniable profound knowing.
The realization struck me like a bolt of lightning, my physical surrounding was a figment of someone's imagination. Someone thought this whole environment into being and it was unreal, this both confused me but also made absolute sense. The presence of this Creator was somewhere above me or around me and I was being directed to it. I thought that if I carried on or had gone deeper I would become unreal and all there will be left is the one who thought me into being, the one who imagined me as well as everything else I perceive as reality was about to un-imagine me and when that happened the world that I know would cease to exist. For the first time I am beginning to truly understand what Krishnamurti meant when he said "I am the world and the world is 'me'."
Upon complete return which was around 1:30something AM I was so disappointed didn't bother to jot down any notes so I don't forget details and besides this is not something one easily forgets. I could not understand my disappointment though and I still am unsure about the real cause of this disappointment.
Am I dissapointed coz I didn't take a higher dose and go deeper? Was it the absence of that warm radiation I felt last time? Was it the earplugs? Was my intention not clear enough? Or could it simply be the undeniable fact that I am the figment of someone's imagination?
The answer is probably obvious but really the fact that none of this is real does not bother me or maybe this is what I feel now compared to what I felt during the experience which was what is commonly known as confuzzlement and just agitated.
The fact that all of this reality is unreal serves as an incentive, even though I'm not real at least not in the sense that I always thought I was. Incentive because now I know it's all a game, perhaps for some people a sick joke.
This experience actually helped make sense of what happened in my last experience. In the last experience I think I was so blended in, going too deep too fast that my left brain could not make any rational sense although I was more emotionally aware and was able to make emotional sense. This time that part of the brain was too awake, too alert it's no wonder why I put up some resistance with the shifting surroundings. When I think about it, an analogy to best describe my resistance would be two interior designers or architects in conflict.
For my next Salvia journeying I am going to be more specific with my intention and will be increasing dose - I want to meet the One who imagined me, the One who dreamt me into being. Whether the One is Source, God, Higher Self, Soul, or the Great Spirit does not matter and I find that any label we want to assign to this Great Mind will be increasingly inadequate. With that said I don't want to hold any expectations or let my presumptions of the Source, or any reverence regarding it cloud my judgement because I don't want the experience to be just a projection of everything that I thought up or how I think it should be. So I will make my next trip without a map, the only thing I intend to go equipped with is my destination which is the Source, nothing else, no preconcieved notions, nothing, which means I will have to leave everything that I think I know behind.
At 1:20am I was done and around this time the effects kicked in. I lay back with my blanket over myself, not sure I will use this blanket again as at the end it produced so much static. Closed eyes, but I knew that the effect was wearing of fast coz the dose was less compared to the last time. So I chewed vigorously the remaining bits of Salvia and the shift kicked in (the chewing plays a big part in the activation of Salv A).
Then I wasn't sure my eyes were closed coz my room was suddenly visible. My surrounding bulged in and out of shape very gradually. One side of the wall that was being shifted was bulging out and right about this time it was like something was coercing or suggesting to me that this 'bulging' should be there. I was not having it, and just by recalling what that part of my room looked like I put it back together. I started to blend in with the surrounding (a fragment of the Oneness experience ). I knew that like the first time I was merging into everything, there was no melting just a blending. Around me everything was like play dough, being molded into different shapes, but I knew that originally I was in my bedroom and recalled how this looked and once again I am in the process of putting it all back together. When surrounding looked normal again I was still under the spell but greatly disappointed that I had not gone as deep as I did previously and realized I should've increased the dose, but at the same time there was also something else that was bugging me.
My room was still normal, I however was still blended with the surrounding and then a most startling thing happened. The right side of me that was blended was almost breathing in and out - but I noticed a glitch that I can't describe, a sensation? or a feeling? a sudden undeniable profound knowing.
The realization struck me like a bolt of lightning, my physical surrounding was a figment of someone's imagination. Someone thought this whole environment into being and it was unreal, this both confused me but also made absolute sense. The presence of this Creator was somewhere above me or around me and I was being directed to it. I thought that if I carried on or had gone deeper I would become unreal and all there will be left is the one who thought me into being, the one who imagined me as well as everything else I perceive as reality was about to un-imagine me and when that happened the world that I know would cease to exist. For the first time I am beginning to truly understand what Krishnamurti meant when he said "I am the world and the world is 'me'."
Upon complete return which was around 1:30something AM I was so disappointed didn't bother to jot down any notes so I don't forget details and besides this is not something one easily forgets. I could not understand my disappointment though and I still am unsure about the real cause of this disappointment.
Am I dissapointed coz I didn't take a higher dose and go deeper? Was it the absence of that warm radiation I felt last time? Was it the earplugs? Was my intention not clear enough? Or could it simply be the undeniable fact that I am the figment of someone's imagination?
The answer is probably obvious but really the fact that none of this is real does not bother me or maybe this is what I feel now compared to what I felt during the experience which was what is commonly known as confuzzlement and just agitated.
The fact that all of this reality is unreal serves as an incentive, even though I'm not real at least not in the sense that I always thought I was. Incentive because now I know it's all a game, perhaps for some people a sick joke.
This experience actually helped make sense of what happened in my last experience. In the last experience I think I was so blended in, going too deep too fast that my left brain could not make any rational sense although I was more emotionally aware and was able to make emotional sense. This time that part of the brain was too awake, too alert it's no wonder why I put up some resistance with the shifting surroundings. When I think about it, an analogy to best describe my resistance would be two interior designers or architects in conflict.
For my next Salvia journeying I am going to be more specific with my intention and will be increasing dose - I want to meet the One who imagined me, the One who dreamt me into being. Whether the One is Source, God, Higher Self, Soul, or the Great Spirit does not matter and I find that any label we want to assign to this Great Mind will be increasingly inadequate. With that said I don't want to hold any expectations or let my presumptions of the Source, or any reverence regarding it cloud my judgement because I don't want the experience to be just a projection of everything that I thought up or how I think it should be. So I will make my next trip without a map, the only thing I intend to go equipped with is my destination which is the Source, nothing else, no preconcieved notions, nothing, which means I will have to leave everything that I think I know behind.
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
Salvia Quid Method with Ear Plugs
My intention is to take Salvia tonight via quid method. Initially I was thinking about playing some light music in the background but that might actually prove to be distractive since my last trip I had issues with external sounds so I will be using ear plugs instead.
Next time I intend to see what influence music has while under the influence of Salvia.
My intention for tonight is simply to delve deeper from where I had left off from my last travel. Right now my intentions will not be too specific as I am wanting to explore more the inner worlds of Salvia and from there see where I want to take this.
So here's the plan:
Next time I intend to see what influence music has while under the influence of Salvia.
My intention for tonight is simply to delve deeper from where I had left off from my last travel. Right now my intentions will not be too specific as I am wanting to explore more the inner worlds of Salvia and from there see where I want to take this.
So here's the plan:
- Skipping dinner tonight or will probably eat something light
- Brushing teeth at 7pm and no drinking after this time
- 12am will brush more thoroughly (cheeks, and tongue area), mouthwash
- If necessary empty bladder
- 12:30am I will soak the leaves again using 16 leaves
- Focusing on intention for 20 minute soaking duration and a moment of prayer
- Insert ear plugs and once Salvia is rolled will start chewing away
- Keeping notebook and pen handy so upon return I could write about the experience
Monday, 12 July 2010
What I like about chewing Salvia
Here's what I like about this method:
I feel physically balanced and stable (no jittery or shakiness)
Transition is so smooth I flow with the experience
No anxiety or fear of dropping hot flaming pipe
No fear of losing bodily control or moving about
Very relaxing, physically and mentally
No need for a sitter
Retention of awareness
Lasts longer than smoking
Connection feels deeper and stronger
I feel physically balanced and stable (no jittery or shakiness)
Transition is so smooth I flow with the experience
No anxiety or fear of dropping hot flaming pipe
No fear of losing bodily control or moving about
Very relaxing, physically and mentally
No need for a sitter
Retention of awareness
Lasts longer than smoking
Connection feels deeper and stronger
Saturday, 10 July 2010
Salvia Quid Method (buccal)
After smoking some normal (non-concentrated) salvia leaves yesterday I decided that was the last time I will ever smoke anything - hurt my throat and was horrible.
I don't think it was designed to be smoked either. For starters it makes me very jittery, hands start to shake, lips start to quiver. The physical effects aren't very nice even though the phenomenal visuals come about rapidly. The whole rapidness seems to be quite an issue and in comparison to the chewing method that I tried out today for the first time the quality is not really all that.
Today at 9pm brushed teeth, tongue and cheeks for the last time. Rinsed mouth with some corsodyl mouthwash. At 9:25pm picked out some leaves from bag rather meticulously, looking at each leaf, observing shape and sniffing it (of course this part is not required and I made up). I picked out 16 leaves as some of them seemed too small and soaked in bowl of cold water for 15 minutes during which time I held intention for exploring what salvia had to offer via the chewing method and simply relaxed. I also asked for tips on the best way of taking salvia. I gave my thanks to the Source that has made available this wonderful plant. Sudden realization came to me that I was to chew it in the similar manner as paan (betel leaf) is chewed.
CITY LIGHTS JUST WENT OUT AT 12:05am whilst writing this - weird I thought I short circuited my computer.
At 9:45 I drained the leaves and rolled layers of leaves into 4 balls and started chewing the first. The taste was awful and I was starting to rethink the entire ritual. My plan while chewing was to focus on breathing and only think about about my intentions but I couldn't - that vile taste was about the only thing I could wrap my mind around. It was so horribly bitter and I even apologized to the plant that I had such distaste for it.
By some miracle I got through to the second ball felt a little different and by the third the taste became tolerable especially once the effects became more pronounced. At 10:10pm on the fourth ball I knew that I got exactly the necessary dose. I quickly spat out the chewed remains of this last ball and rested on my back, eyes closed. To my right and to my left a spectacular visual of pillars and wall surfaces were forming. I was feeling a presence in this shift, this presence was in every part of the visuals unfolding. They were such that I can't describe what they looked like but can certainly say I felt them. As I was going deeper I felt and according to my visuals it seemed I was being folded or wraped and simply being carried. There was warmth and an amazing amount of acknowledgement on my part of whom I was dealing with. I felt so comfortable, there was no need for fear. I kept feeling that I was fine and emotionally I was saying that I was okay with going away, that I am willing to be taken to wherever this presence was drawing me to. I was looking forward to it.
Then there was a sound, running tap water. I kept thinking about this sound and how even the spell that I was under there was no doubt that it was the tap in the toilet. I knew I could ignore it or even use the sound to my advantage and flow away. And there I am caught between two realities in one reality the running water is getting louder and to make it even worse I could hear the sound of R's annoying voice yelling on the phone(which is her usual way of talking) and then there was that other reality in which I was ready, prepared to get sucked into. Strangely enough the presence that I felt started giving the expression of 'Uh oh' as if they knew the sound was drawing me back to my physical reality and that the salvia effects will wear off. I got up for a bit slightly agitated but determined to go deeper since I when I opened my eyes the physically reality was still warped out of shape - I was still good to go. So put my head back to the pillow and try to wonder back into this other comfortable unknown place. Unfortunately there was no way of ignoring my sisters absolutely annoying loud irritating voice. I think the energy, presence around me got the picture and then it started to feel like I was being reassembled somehow but I also got the feeling that I was being peeled and then wrapped.
By 10:30pm I got out of the Salvia state utterly pissed at my sister, she's going home on Friday and that is the only thought that kept me grounded.
I tried to just fall asleep and despite feeling a bit drunk yet coherent I knew sleep would take time to take over. So groggily I fixed up a quick meal making up for my skipped dinner, stuffed myself I think mostly coz I was just depressed because my sister managed to ruin everything.
The setting was actually perfect, low noise, dim lighting and very clear intentions only problem was the loud voice that belonged to my sis which I did not anticipate.
I consider today's ritual a success but only partial due to annoying unforeseeable distractions. I'm glad that it worked via this method coz I absolutely hated smoking. I felt the chewing process allowed a deeper and sustainable connection, there was a comfortable rhythm and a more meaningful relationship to the plant. I will definitely be using this plant again and honestly I'm pretty amazed that it worked via chewing since I was predisposed to think it would not work quite as effectively as the smoking. Actually I am just astounded at how effective and refreshing this has been. I am also very glad that so far I have been able to maintain a good level of physical control both via smoking and buccal method.
It seems that though there are a lot of posts and articles advocating that smoking will get you out a lot faster than chewing leaves I think that the chewing method is highly effective and it is more gentle than smoking. In fact smoking is quite harsh, at least for me.
Mind you, I am still somewhat dazed - Salvia is still in my system.
I don't think it was designed to be smoked either. For starters it makes me very jittery, hands start to shake, lips start to quiver. The physical effects aren't very nice even though the phenomenal visuals come about rapidly. The whole rapidness seems to be quite an issue and in comparison to the chewing method that I tried out today for the first time the quality is not really all that.
Today at 9pm brushed teeth, tongue and cheeks for the last time. Rinsed mouth with some corsodyl mouthwash. At 9:25pm picked out some leaves from bag rather meticulously, looking at each leaf, observing shape and sniffing it (of course this part is not required and I made up). I picked out 16 leaves as some of them seemed too small and soaked in bowl of cold water for 15 minutes during which time I held intention for exploring what salvia had to offer via the chewing method and simply relaxed. I also asked for tips on the best way of taking salvia. I gave my thanks to the Source that has made available this wonderful plant. Sudden realization came to me that I was to chew it in the similar manner as paan (betel leaf) is chewed.
CITY LIGHTS JUST WENT OUT AT 12:05am whilst writing this - weird I thought I short circuited my computer.
At 9:45 I drained the leaves and rolled layers of leaves into 4 balls and started chewing the first. The taste was awful and I was starting to rethink the entire ritual. My plan while chewing was to focus on breathing and only think about about my intentions but I couldn't - that vile taste was about the only thing I could wrap my mind around. It was so horribly bitter and I even apologized to the plant that I had such distaste for it.
By some miracle I got through to the second ball felt a little different and by the third the taste became tolerable especially once the effects became more pronounced. At 10:10pm on the fourth ball I knew that I got exactly the necessary dose. I quickly spat out the chewed remains of this last ball and rested on my back, eyes closed. To my right and to my left a spectacular visual of pillars and wall surfaces were forming. I was feeling a presence in this shift, this presence was in every part of the visuals unfolding. They were such that I can't describe what they looked like but can certainly say I felt them. As I was going deeper I felt and according to my visuals it seemed I was being folded or wraped and simply being carried. There was warmth and an amazing amount of acknowledgement on my part of whom I was dealing with. I felt so comfortable, there was no need for fear. I kept feeling that I was fine and emotionally I was saying that I was okay with going away, that I am willing to be taken to wherever this presence was drawing me to. I was looking forward to it.
Then there was a sound, running tap water. I kept thinking about this sound and how even the spell that I was under there was no doubt that it was the tap in the toilet. I knew I could ignore it or even use the sound to my advantage and flow away. And there I am caught between two realities in one reality the running water is getting louder and to make it even worse I could hear the sound of R's annoying voice yelling on the phone(which is her usual way of talking) and then there was that other reality in which I was ready, prepared to get sucked into. Strangely enough the presence that I felt started giving the expression of 'Uh oh' as if they knew the sound was drawing me back to my physical reality and that the salvia effects will wear off. I got up for a bit slightly agitated but determined to go deeper since I when I opened my eyes the physically reality was still warped out of shape - I was still good to go. So put my head back to the pillow and try to wonder back into this other comfortable unknown place. Unfortunately there was no way of ignoring my sisters absolutely annoying loud irritating voice. I think the energy, presence around me got the picture and then it started to feel like I was being reassembled somehow but I also got the feeling that I was being peeled and then wrapped.
By 10:30pm I got out of the Salvia state utterly pissed at my sister, she's going home on Friday and that is the only thought that kept me grounded.
I tried to just fall asleep and despite feeling a bit drunk yet coherent I knew sleep would take time to take over. So groggily I fixed up a quick meal making up for my skipped dinner, stuffed myself I think mostly coz I was just depressed because my sister managed to ruin everything.
The setting was actually perfect, low noise, dim lighting and very clear intentions only problem was the loud voice that belonged to my sis which I did not anticipate.
I consider today's ritual a success but only partial due to annoying unforeseeable distractions. I'm glad that it worked via this method coz I absolutely hated smoking. I felt the chewing process allowed a deeper and sustainable connection, there was a comfortable rhythm and a more meaningful relationship to the plant. I will definitely be using this plant again and honestly I'm pretty amazed that it worked via chewing since I was predisposed to think it would not work quite as effectively as the smoking. Actually I am just astounded at how effective and refreshing this has been. I am also very glad that so far I have been able to maintain a good level of physical control both via smoking and buccal method.
It seems that though there are a lot of posts and articles advocating that smoking will get you out a lot faster than chewing leaves I think that the chewing method is highly effective and it is more gentle than smoking. In fact smoking is quite harsh, at least for me.
Mind you, I am still somewhat dazed - Salvia is still in my system.
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