Anatta

After such a long time decided to take Salvia in order to settle a confusion regarding what path to take in life at this stage. Chewing, hardly bitter within 10 minutes body takes on that numbing effect where everything about it feels like rubber, toy like.

Lying down, eyes open I can see they are moving about. Close eyes it becomes more clearer. Gone deep in the body, not simply just the physical apparatus but the body of the world. It all becomes so clear - nothing exists, nothing is real.

Suddenly the drama I had been living had no substance, all my endeavors were meaningless. Someone walking by in the passageway - my youngest sister. I really want to tell her. Suddenly I had understood everything read in the Lotus Sutra. I started to cry when I realized the predicament of those great ones who had awakened in the past, people like Jiddu Krishnamurti, the Buddha etc. I guess the tears were not so much for them but more for myself because it seemed now my task to speak of this was of grave importance.

It felt like a spell had been cast and all are under that spell - but the spell is not cast on the physical body - the physical body is itself a part of that spell. It is like getting inside the car and thinking that you are the car when really you are the driver of the car.

And yet I felt I had to keep it all a secret, something was going on in the kidneys and I felt I or the physical body do not have much time left in order to share it with specific people.

I can talk about it, tell as many others of the experience which I understand is known as anatta in Budhhism but it is not the same as knowing it through direct experience.

I knew at that moment and now that knowing is there as memory of that experience (right now the perception that allowed me to see is shut down). During the open perception I felt it was possible if I could hold onto it, keep it open I could be of greater assistance in transporting others into their own open perception, a kind of supreme eye that needs to be open to stop people living spellbound.

I kept rehearsing in that state how I was going to describe the unreal, the non-existence, the illusion which all are living. I told them (surrounding and engulfing beings that I sometimes refer to as the 'others') not to worry nobody was going to believe me anyways, I even pictured it. Telling my sisters and imagining how crazy they must think I am.

The difficult task however is describing that thing which is real, that which is Truth, the only thing that has substance.

Energy Work Update

I've noticed that if I don't put in time for the energy work to take place I get really moody and frustrated. Doing the best I can, even made a habit of regularly taking a pause and letting it do its thing. Sometimes try to multi-task like right now as I write works going on in the head.

Lately, especially in the morning there has been a 'scrunching' sound in the head, and both brain and skull feel squishy. I have changed my sleeping position - previously head pointing north east, now pointing south west. I am not sure if the sleeping direction makes a difference but I recall at one time when I slept with head pointing exactly west I had a lot of psychic experiences, seeing through closed eyelids, visuals being drawn, images appearing randomly. Something I hadn't thought much about until now. At the moment I am having some interesting experiences with visuals. They occur just as I relax for sleep, random visuals of people and roads. I think it could simply be remote viewing.

There have been some moments where I slept earlier than usual during daylight hours. The energy has been extreme, almost thrashing my head about rather shockingly. There had been very rapid nodding of the head which I felt maybe could be energy exiting head region, not too sure.

I think at this time my focus needs to be in sticking with a clean diet since I have changed from mostly raw foods to including some cooked foods and allowing this energy work more time. Also having terrible cravings.

Giving In To Energy Work

The physical body at this stage is going through energetic changes, rewiring etc. It's funny because as I write this my head is nodding continuously a dramatic 'Yes' as if to say 'Yes, you're spot on!'

I had put these movements off and it's time to seriously give it more time, in fact need to make this a priority. So I'm starting off everyday to give it as much time as possible. I really ought to since health is my priority and this energy is here to heal.

Here are some of my experiences so far with the great Healer within.

Usually and mostly there has been head rotations and many other head works. On the first day of intentionally giving the power more time my head rotated swayed and did all sorts of things, deep muscle movements in legs. Then the hips unwinded and has since been in a process of loosening. Gential movements were present and this did cause sexual arousal, in fact due to this there has been an influx of sexual energy.

I have done the energy work sitting, standing and lying down. There was an incident when standing it was like I was being flung forward, the room is tiny so in order to avoid falling on furniture I shifted to an angle where I can test to see if the energy wanted body to go down. It did, and I found myself prostrating. Also prostated sitting down for quite some time.

There have been two incidents so far where they wanted me to lay down and focus on the head rotation - yesterday I did this and blanked out for about 5 minutes. When I did open eyes it felt like I woke up from the deepest sleep - in the sleep there was awareness of body sleeping - hearing my breathing etc almost like a precusor to an obe/astral projection. Waking up from this state head feels heavy, there is also groggy feeling present.

In the mornings my head feels messed up sometimes, too heavy and full and when I open mouth jaws crackle so I know there's something going on there.

I try not to over analyze, just go with the flow.

Ear Infection and Third Eye Chakra Connection

About 3 weeks ago I developed an ear infection - the first time as an adult. It was horrible but I understand it could have been worse from others experience. I did initially think it could be due to my sudden intake of really bad dairy - non-organic and all that crap. It was during the easter holidays and holidays are a crisis period for me so I was going through some emotional disturbances. This is a part of my life that I need to address and resolve.

Anyways it mostly effected the right ear, first started with sharp stabbing pain and next day I woke up with crusty ear and liquid oozing out. After that my ear was pretty much blocked and I was partially deaf for maybe a week. Treated this with H202. I think this 'infection' cleaned something out causing further changes around third eye chakra which might even be linked to my recent 'spinning wheel' incident.

The Spinning Wheel

This morning I had an amazing experience but I can hardly recall it. As usual it all happened so fast and rather suddenly. I woke up early and had to quickly clean a leak on the bed which was annoying but I woke up mostly because of that. Back to bed I felt appreciative of others, sent out thoughts of blessings and wishing happiness for all.

I relaxed and almost immediately zoned out with full awareness I noticed something spinning at the center of my view with closed eyes. It was spinning fast and zooming in gradually in consort with the speed. The image was getting clearer and looked like a colored drawing, my initial thought was it looks like some kind of religious maybe Hindu symbol. With the spinning I emerged into a scene with others around but quickly came back where again I noticed a spinning wheel. Only this time it was more pattern like, I think it was only one color can't recall but this time I thought of the wheel of dharma and - this just might be it. As it got clearer and I zoomed in full force into another very realistic scene, in fact it was more like another dimension. My recollection of the scenes were that some were probabilities of this life - same characters different scenes. And there were other scenes playing out with others. Once I returned checked the time - 15 minutes had passed.

I understood something vital to all understanding. Nothing changed but the outer, my consciousness and level of awareness remained the same throughout but what changed was the scene before me. The screen is always blank and empty and with the spinning of wheel the images appeared - in fact this world that we live in is but an entrance through this wheel.

I am unsure what exactly this wheel is - most likely related to third eye chakra. As for the wheel of dharma my understanding is that it is a branch of teaching but I think its origins come from the ability to perceive it literally with closed eyes.

Found a site describing meaning of wheel of dharma.

Meditation Jolts

The day I 'meditated on motions' I attempted an evening meditation before bed. Letting go almost instantly there was a jolt that took me by surprise - this occurred often in the early Kundalini days. My hands were rested on my chest and it felt like energy was zapping out into the body. It was very quick. Those same early feelings were present and I was a little uncertain about having fully invited Divine Feminine part of myself to run the show.

Meditating on Motions

It seems that over time meditation has become increasingly difficult. I am unable to relax physically and mentally. Today on impulse I attempted a session. This time I closed the blinds to darken the room - maybe in some failed attempts the lighting may have caused some issues, but then I would like to be able to meditate in most conditions.

I could not relax my mind and meditation cannot be forced. Let go of any controlling, allowing thoughts to play out. Focused on my breathing which was not really helping. Remained still, head was rotating as usual - I let this play out completely concentrating on the motions. Felt like something moving inside the brain, a pressure. I eventually lost consciousness and opened eyes from some major heaviness in the head. Looked at the clock 15 minutes had passed although it felt much longer. There were the familiar leg tinglings, spine rattling which felt like little creatures having a really good time. This was followed by heightened sexual feelings, I wonder whether this has to do with trying to awaken or giving permission for divine feminine to make its presence known.

I intend to at least try to meditate every day for however long I can sustain with no end goal in mind or I just may have to give in to the motions as it is something I have been neglecting. The motions are not always the same - sometimes it takes place with the whole body but most of the time it is pronounced in the head. Like right now as I write this it is side to side, sometimes it has a pleasant swaying motion but usually it's rotating. This morning there was crackling sounds with jaw movements suggesting that last night something had taken place.