Anatta

After such a long time decided to take Salvia in order to settle a confusion regarding what path to take in life at this stage. Chewing, hardly bitter within 10 minutes body takes on that numbing effect where everything about it feels like rubber, toy like.

Lying down, eyes open I can see they are moving about. Close eyes it becomes more clearer. Gone deep in the body, not simply just the physical apparatus but the body of the world. It all becomes so clear - nothing exists, nothing is real.

Suddenly the drama I had been living had no substance, all my endeavors were meaningless. Someone walking by in the passageway - my youngest sister. I really want to tell her. Suddenly I had understood everything read in the Lotus Sutra. I started to cry when I realized the predicament of those great ones who had awakened in the past, people like Jiddu Krishnamurti, the Buddha etc. I guess the tears were not so much for them but more for myself because it seemed now my task to speak of this was of grave importance.

It felt like a spell had been cast and all are under that spell - but the spell is not cast on the physical body - the physical body is itself a part of that spell. It is like getting inside the car and thinking that you are the car when really you are the driver of the car.

And yet I felt I had to keep it all a secret, something was going on in the kidneys and I felt I or the physical body do not have much time left in order to share it with specific people.

I can talk about it, tell as many others of the experience which I understand is known as anatta in Budhhism but it is not the same as knowing it through direct experience.

I knew at that moment and now that knowing is there as memory of that experience (right now the perception that allowed me to see is shut down). During the open perception I felt it was possible if I could hold onto it, keep it open I could be of greater assistance in transporting others into their own open perception, a kind of supreme eye that needs to be open to stop people living spellbound.

I kept rehearsing in that state how I was going to describe the unreal, the non-existence, the illusion which all are living. I told them (surrounding and engulfing beings that I sometimes refer to as the 'others') not to worry nobody was going to believe me anyways, I even pictured it. Telling my sisters and imagining how crazy they must think I am.

The difficult task however is describing that thing which is real, that which is Truth, the only thing that has substance.