Dreams and Morning Company

In the dream I'm in a forest but think it to be my garden. I see a brown squirrel - in reality I was reading an article yesterday about how the brown squirrel is rare in Britain and the greys are disliked by most gardeners. The squirrel is so adorable, I got closer unlike in reality this squirrel isn't running away. I stroke it gently but manages to squirm away.

Moving along there's a pear tree and my eldest sister is suddenly present. I tell her we should harvest the pears - in reality there's a wild pear tree I walk by often and just yesterday checked that the seasonable food this month are pears. In the dream the pears are unusually large, I grab one realizing it's rotting. Suddenly notice a spider crawling and it gets on my hand. I throw the pear trying to shake of the spider which is a tan colour. It keeps pulling itself up on me through its web. I am lying down on the ground trying to shake it off but it seems persistent.

Have looked into totem symbology and honestly I am not sure if the messages have any significance anymore. It seems any totem can apply to me at any time and correlate with life circumstance.

I woke up from the spider dream relieved at about 4am. When I opened eyes visual of dark shadows around eyes and internal shaking. Empty bladder and an hour later try to fall asleep.

I am suddenly aware of the physical body and feel a thumping in root area which feels like sexual intercourse. I seem to have enough control to not let the sensations overtake me or release the energy. I find myself suddenly conjuring up a song, making up the words in Hindi and perhaps English as well. I was in awe with the song and the melody, creating it in that moment. Dozed off and when I opened eyes felt groggy like I could sleep forever yet there was some sexual arousal still present.

Recent Salvia Sessions - Return of the Orgasm

The Night Time Salvia
From Sunday night I felt the urge suddenly to try the Salvia once more before fasting experiment and it has been illuminating.

First off the session was held in a very noisy environment so I knew there was going to be interference and secondly I rolled up quids this time, so no chewing crumbled leaves. It is more work and eventually when I got to the third quid chewing became tough, bodily sensations intensifying, a sensitivity which would be hard to live with if it were constant.

In the earlier sessions there was more intensity so somehow getting accustomed to it. There was awareness of all kinds of beings. Particularly focused inside the body - I call them the 'body beings'. Going deeper in the unravelling, reality ending outwardly and in the inward focus we were going somewhere. As the external world was ending the physical body and its senses were also slowly shutting down. I was blended in that blending, and it was all happening so neatly when all of a sudden I had the urge to move physical body slightly. All the others snapped out of what they were doing and focused on me. I felt another very nearby to me and sensed slight maybe a slight agitation or perhaps it was really coming from. Honestly I was incredibly disappointed in my self, how could I move knowing that it was important to be still - I guess I keep forgetting, especially using this plant after long time.

Beings converging near sexual organs and I remember how very little privacy I have anymore. There are several female beings hovering above ceiling and they have been coming out from within and the without of physical body somehow involved in my latest activities (day to day things and personal stuff). The beings felt like discarnate spirits and maybe some souls with actual living physical counterparts. I've been reading a book on Buddhism and slowly some things I read in the book made sense. I open eyes and see them externally, slight hints of them.

I close eyes again and slowly going deeper once again within the physical body, I feel I could still move even deeper and again the world is ending externally. Suddenly the vacuum is started, I sense one sister cleaning up and the other one is present. Lately I told them an issue I'm having with one brother, something we've all been talking about but I sense them telling him how I mentioned something and it upset him deeply. I felt the anger the reactions and everything all the while unbelievably angry at my sisters. Realized relatives are always the ones to interrupt sessions but the interruption reveals something even deeper. That deep down they do not want me to go deeper. In a flash suddenly the world was ending without a care and in a second the sound of a vacuum caused me to focus externally once again. I had unfinished business - to correct all my errors. I grabbed the Buddhism  book so that I can show them things I will practice. I was slightly disoriented placed the book beside pillow and relaxed. Breathing took on a new quality. The exhale hit the duvet near chin and that air deflected back on to my face - and it all had this living quality to it.

Something keeps happening with the nose, keeps being lifted and a weird moving sensation.

I was somewhat agitated by this experience for some reason not happy about the sudden entrance of the female beings as if they are being to intrusive. I slowly let the effects wear out.

Morning Salvia
This session is far too personal to relay here as was the previous session and after both of these sessions I wondered how I will write about these experiences.

I'll start off by saying that for almost two weeks now I have been feeling immensely aroused, usually almost immediately upon waking up. Now I don't know if it may have to do with suddenly sleeping naked for past two weeks(it is so relaxing), and I have wondered why I don't orgasm like in that special Salvia way.

Awareness of beings who had something to do with the digestive system I realized some were involved in my food cravings, in particular met the beings who have been recently dictating my pistachio cravings. Insights and awareness into my latest cravings, tastes and habits came at such speed it was all taking place at once. I also had this craving for idli and started to understand it more clearly.

There is a smell that is strong and I find it distasteful - someone in the house frying something.

There were beings huddling in the sexual organs, waiting for something I realized it was for my touch. And inside within the body I could see what or how my touch appeared to them. I realized the group was different - I opened eyes and beings were spreading the news. Suddenly my awareness came upon a group that I was familiar with - this group I would call the 'orgasm group.' They were male, mostly young and they were calling a slightly higher group, mostly seeming to be older. The older group has taken an interest - I am not looking about the ceiling or walls but I can sense their movement. Eventually there is that explosive orgasm and I know now it has to do with these two groups - it seems to be their specialty.

Awareness fades out and there's still that head rocking, thumping and throbbing. The tailbone rattles and there is a concentrated thumping and throbbing.

Right now I'm thinking about Science, the arduous studies of biology and all that has ruined every aspect of the natural world by naming and categorizing every aspect of living organisms. In the world of Science these little fellas would be categorized into the group of sex hormones.

Some speculations
The human body is a concentrated version of the universe at large. Obviously there is more to the body than physical matter and other elemental aspects.

Everything within the Universe is composed of beingness, all beings are entertwined and the parts form the whole, everything connected. Universe is so diverse in beings that within each being is an infinite number of worlds composed by infinite number of beings who then in turn contain infinite number of worlds continuing infinitely. Even thoughts are beings and perhaps it all boils down to this, beings are energy.

One can communicate with each cell in this diverse Universe thereby changing the output. For eg. I can speak with the cells of my own body to do something in particular, in fact I plan to experiment with this. One can communicate with the elements and get a response or a command performed. It has nothing to do with faith just as faith is not necessary for the simple task of walking or any other action.

The Death Chronicle

For the next Salvia session I plan to fast for a week. Fasting for a week without food and only liquids will be quite a mission but I intend to do it, besides it frees me from the burden of having to prep meals everyday and I think I seriously need a detox especially after the damage I've caused today. I might do a papaya cleanse.

Anyways the point is the clearer the 'passageways' are within the physical body the easier the Salvia ride. I have noticed my earlier Salvia session were far more interesting and were slowly building up to climax and once they reached that point it felt like things were going downhill. I have been losing interest not wanting to phase out to those states.

I actually want to go back to those earlier adventures, those interesting little ones that to me were friends and then the other friend who seemed to be experimenting on physical body. I guess I would like to perceive them again and explore.

I know the issue with the newer experiences is that 'they' know that I'm about to arrive in that other world (which is basically this world in another format) and when I do it often feels like they have been waiting from my last session and it would carry off from that point. In the earlier experiences no beings knew about this, most of the others would often carry a shocked expression. This is why going into the inner worlds have been so difficult since I'm so stuck here with these guys.

I do still go through the death process in those sessions, maybe I'm wrong about the others considering them to be a nuisance since I do recall in a recent experience where the life process here was ending and I stopped it because of that 'there is still so much left to do' feeling which I'm sure all dying people go through.

I know that wherever life is calling me to I need to die before I actually physically die to get there - So I need to decide and act as if my days are numbered (which when I think it about it they actually are). I need to make the necessary arrangements (sorting out wills and last wishes and all that), then leaving behind possessions and all earthly concerns and get to that place because that is the only way I know how to get there, being without a thing not only externally but internally. It is easier to give up all the external things, but the content of the mind is the hardest to let go since it seems to play out all by itself. All my attachments will be let go of one by one (and I have many so this could take years).

Lets just say I'm getting in the role of a dying person, as an example I am a cancer patient and my condition is terminal meaning no hope for survival. So from today slowly slowly I will have nothing left, no possessions of any kind, mental and material. I will be documenting this process as I go along. I do wonder does it really have to be a process, why not let go of all of it in this moment? Will be pondering this question.

Cardiac Ward

Dream

I am in the hospital, one of my brother has been admitted for a cardiac procedure. I recall being in a similar ward when I had to go with my dad for his angioplasty, this time I sense brother is having same procedure. He has eaten a piece of bread forgetting that food was not allowed until after the procedure. And for the next few moments I stress about this, thinking maybe we shouldn't tell the doctors.

To my right there is another bed with a woman lying down next to a very frail fragile looking skinny man. I gather the man is her father. He has a very Indian look although Caucasian. She tells me about him, how he is vegetarian and very spiritual. I feel the urge to put my palms together and greet him with a namaste. He has a heart condition and in my awareness is filled with the ideas that fatty foods can be lethal for skinny people and that somehow applies to me. Although I have been eating healthier fats I need to seriously cut down on the dose. On very rare family occasions I spiral downwards and end up doing a lot of emotional eating ven reaching out for bad fats.
Lately my appetite has increased so much and I feel it may be due to some kind of stress. I have been feeling low and I need to try to understand why and just get to the bottom of it.

Rib Pain and In the Song

Last night did a quick nasal cleanse with neti pot and had an unusual craving for cheese and pickled onions which was bad because the pickles had preservatives that I am trying to avoid seeing it in the refrigerator triggered craving, maybe even feeling a bit down. A short while later I had the most incredible pain around reproductive organs and more lower down, felt like everything inside was being twisted. Off to bed I went at around 11. I am in the SP state and it is dark but I think its early morning as they are more common during those hours. I panic lifting my right arm, I can see the movement in right hand and fingers as I try to get attention from a family member whom I see in the room. At one point I feel they have approached me. I'm amazed right now as I look back how afraid I felt being in that state, perhpas because it has been a long time and now to suddenly be in that state was a bit of a shock. The feeling of presence lingering nearby did not help. I was making weird crying sounds, I was delirious and when I felt sister approaching I wished she hadn't realizing the state would pass and was making myself look like an idiot.

Something else was there, there was a plunge in the chest and my ribs hurt as if they were being pulled apart. I begged them to stop, the pain was too much. Soon lost awareness of pain and ended up being sucked in deep in a kind of music world. In this music arena I was being sung through, I can't remember the words but I remember trying to put in some of my input which actually was spoiling the original song. Cannot recall words clearly but it was definitely a hindi song. Suddenly eyes opened, gasped for some air and I was in my bed. I thought it might be about 4 or 5am, was a little shocked when the phone showed 1:50 am. I was even more surprised with my attitude in the experience. I guess it wasn't so much the fear but the sudden shock of the experience. These types of experiences have not happened for quite some time. Perhaps the pain around the chest in the ribs is a sign of things to come.

The other day when communicating with the 'other' energy I gave permission for a clearer opening pretty much asking whether I could be in the background and just go to sleep while it was in the foreground which might have been incredibly dumb of me. At the time I was exhuasted, fed up of existence.

I do feel though whatever is there has no intention of causing harm and pretty much leave it at that until I feel otherwise.

Back to sleep with endless frames of vivid almost lucid dreams. Tailbone thumping with greater force, sexual arousals have once again amped up. In the morning the pain around reproductive organs disappeared.

AP/Salvia type experience

A few days ago early morning after UT drink I relaxed and then dozed off. Soon enough faces started emerging. I felt to be somewhere downstairs, news that my sister in-laws brother was here but one I have never met. The scene was emerging randomly and frames skipped to various scenarios. Suddenly I was somewhere upstairs, looking out the window children heading for school and I was being dragged with them somehow. There were moments of awareness of sensation in the head and if I recall correctly some pain in the ears - both these are quite new though my ears would hurt on and off past few days.

The experience itself was a cross between my previous astral projection experiences and salvia experiences.

The Shadow in the Body

Woke up around 3ish am, feeling rejuvinated but annoyed and concerned over something that may seem petty now and it was on my mind all night.

Had UT drink, I was surprised to see almost an entire glass filled up. Too much energy after that and I guess I was wasting it on feeling angry and playing out scenarios in my head. Went back to bed in a dreaded state thinking sleep may never arrive and end the misery.

Eventually around 6 am did start to relax. Head vibrations, orgasmic electric sensation near third eye region. Eyes closed all black but there was the sense of transitioning. As I attempted to open eyes they felt tight and heavy. Room was different - trying to recall how everything was and I realized that my bed and the body on it was shifted to the right side of the room. Soon I noticed that it wasn't the change in the room but somewhere in the brain, the changes were made to eyes so that it sees differently according to whatever pattern whoever or whatever was occupying had assumed within the body. I sensed this other there. I lifted arms and they were interchanging between physical body to a silhoutte body, shadow like. It was wrapping itself with the physical body. I felt it to be seperate individual yet a part of the body. The shadow seems to have more control than in other times.

Sensing other beings in the edges of the room. No major fear present, in fact I was curious and interested. Other things happening within or through the brain. It was tuning into music, calming and melodious. Some singing but can't remember words. Listening to music like this is so amazing, to not just hear it by external means but to be a part of it, whole and complete.

There were some sexual arousal taking place. Soon enough I just wanted to sleep feeling exhausted from this event. Had to get up 7:30am but really needed the extra sleep. Strangely though after this time when I got up I was not tired but now feeling maybe an hour or so of napping or just relaxing is all I need to feel balanced.

Earlier asked 'it' which I think I should perhaps refer to as some kind of energy whether it was behind this incident, answers were basically lots of head swaying and rotating movements. The feeling of being pumped with helium is intensifying - mostly in the head and it feels like it can detach at anytime and float away. Body constantly bouncing with this air.