Went to bed last night briefly wondering about astral projections. It started in the midst of self-enquiry, I wondered if I am not the physical body then what is an astral projection - even in these projections the 'I' is present. Are APs simply dreams within this dream?
Continued with the self enquiry until I fell asleep. At 4am woke up from a nightmare where I and others around me were fighting robots and other monstrous looking creatures. I was aiming at a broken open part of a robot that was attacking me woke up feeling pain near left side waist and stomach churning. Emptied bladder and by 5am relaxed for sleep.
There was that sensation of electricity coursing through the left calves - this time a lot more deliberate. I followed the feeling and instead of moving about just allowed it to move freely. Straightened legs. Eventually I felt something gripping a piece at the middle of forehead - moving something with force - like taking a plug off, it was removed whatever 'it' was. Something is going on in the face - I feel rather than hear crunchiness, cracking and snapping mostly near nasal region.
The entire time my eyes were closed. Soon I was seeing my room and the visible furniture through the eyelids. Had a feeling of a presence - it was inside me and it was this presence that was seeing through the eyelids. I could feel it so strongly yet it was silent and unmoving. For a brief moment I thought how cool it would be if I could always see through the eyelids - started to think about certain tricks like asking others to hold up random number of fingers and telling them the exact number of fingers all the while with closed eyes.
The 'others' start to emerge on the ceiling just like in Salvia experiences. If they had been visible before Salvia experiences this incident would've scared me. There was no exchange of communication except that of facial expressions. Their look said something along the lines of 'It worked'. They seemed to be huddled together and being very cautious as to how I would react. My reaction is that I'm not afraid and mentally I say to them that it's okay, they can come through - there's no fear at least on my part. I am smiling, very happy to be able to see them especially without the use of Salvia.
I look away briefly and there is an anticlockwise spin. Sinking downwards and all is dark with a few visible glimmers of physical surrounding. I start to ask 'who am I' - who is the 'I' that has this experience and hold on to that.
In another space now - a big mansion like building. Members of my family are present here. I wonder what they are doing here. As I see them all I think that one of them is having this dream and I may have entered it. Or not. Too busy walking around to talk to anyone. Ahead I see a window and maybe a reflection of something. Want to zoom to it but it doesn't work so use the old fashioned form of transport and walk. After this everything is hazy.
Waking up this morning my brain felt heavy like it was overworked. Past few days feel like this fatigue of body and overworked brain has been increasing. Though throughout the day time energy levels seem normal.
Friday, 9 September 2011
Thursday, 8 September 2011
Early Fatigue
It is day 5 since tailbone arousal with liquid flowing down and voila, body feels increasingly tired especially in morning. I have been trying to feed this body properly but healthy eating has been quite a struggle.
Sunday, 4 September 2011
Tailbone Arousal
This morning woke up at 4 back to sleep by 5. Fall asleep only to be alerted back to the body where near the tailbone feel sexual arousal - cramping sensation yet very sexual. Incredibly aroused I encouraged the motion yet it was near to unbearable. Felt solid movement going up spine. Eventually decided to just let it take its course and lost consciousness.
Lately there has been an uncontrollable sexual intensity. Past two days feeling more tired than usual - needing to nap. There has been a feeling of flowing liquid going downwards from tailbone when this occured I had a feeling that I was going to feel tired due to this.
Lately there has been an uncontrollable sexual intensity. Past two days feeling more tired than usual - needing to nap. There has been a feeling of flowing liquid going downwards from tailbone when this occured I had a feeling that I was going to feel tired due to this.
Friday, 2 September 2011
Instant Salvia
Last night got sheesha ready - eldest sister and niece present in room. Had my sister try Salvia for the first time and after a long time using up the half a gram of 10x extract it did not work. Niece tried some and still it did not work except for a slight twitch.
Thought that either they are not smoking it properly or the herb was not burning properly. Took over, inhaled twice and immediately things started to change feeling presence - face changing but internally. I was still coherent and felt that I had absolute control over how deep I can go. Whilst the changes take place I ask more to myself than to the other two in the room 'How comes it worked so easily on me and not you guys?' My sisters response was that she didn't understand how it worked on me because I was acting so normal and then asked me what was happening.
I felt that I could not describe it - it would actually make me look loony. Imagine I blurted out to my sister that she was not real - that who we have assumed we are is a complete fiction. That is always the foundation of the experience - and then there's this other process where other beings enter the scene, who they are I cannot say except that once I had a realization that they were a part of a unit that I assumed to be me and at other times they played specific familial roles. Initially when I first saw them they appeared as seperate individuals until the realization experience.
I managed to control the bodily movements - in fact it was more of an energetic wave pulsing internally and externally. With the face movements I asked if sister can see anything - nothing yet I could tell that those 'face' beings are moving about. Perhaps they didn't come out but simply moved inside - maybe sister and niece are not at a stage where they can see the movements physically. Something to do with the layers of fear - I know I went through quite a bit personally myself to get to a stage where these phenomenas do not scare me so easily. Perhaps other personal factors played a role in why it did not work for the other two.
Still in transit of that other state I was conversing as though I was in this usual physical state - only I knew that I am not entirely physically focused. Interestingly they both felt burning in the throat, as for me it was as simple as inhaling vapours - no burning, no eye watering (which was a huge problem before).
Sister tried once more, quickly taking pipe out of mouth saying that the water is coming through it, at that same moment I felt that presence and got an undeniable feeling that they or it did not want or could not allow my sister to take anymore. I took the pipe to check, smoked it knowing that no water will be coming through - after two pulls instantly salvia pulled me into that other state a litte more where I have a clearer perception of them but did not want to close eyes to see them with the other non-physical lens or what can probably be called the internal eyes.
Something has been going on in the brain for a while now since taking Salvia - inside I could feel them hammering away in the head region. Waking up from sleep it is most intense yet painless, especially after this morning I woke from sleep whilst eyes still closed head fluttering.
Yesterday when I sat on the bed with a bag resting on the side it kept shaking. I got off the bed and it stopped shaking instead there was glimmer of it moving in waves.
Tonight:
I tried to smoke salvia alone, almost did not bother - for me personally using a sheesha seems like such a long process - set the sheesha up, burn the coal and smoke in and then after that is over need to clean sheesha - feels like a chore. Didn't want my relatives who were around the house to know about my Salvia session so the smell of smoke was another issue. I used a cherry herbal mix designed for sheesha smoking and then placed plain salvia on top.
Anways decided to give it a try and instantly found every sound - everything the body could percieve amplified. Paranoia was one of them - can hear relatives outside room talking about smelling smoke, niece was incredibly annoying.
Quickly dipped coal in water and focused on diminishing smoke smell all the while resisting that other state - could feel that if I had closed eyes the others would have appeared. Got in bed after 15 minutes no visuals of them but there was intense tactile sensations.
Lately as I fall to sleep there have been electrical charges in nerves most concentrated in left calves - most of the time feels like somethng short circuiting makes me jump at night. There has been incidents of bodily spasms that occur randomly.
Thought that either they are not smoking it properly or the herb was not burning properly. Took over, inhaled twice and immediately things started to change feeling presence - face changing but internally. I was still coherent and felt that I had absolute control over how deep I can go. Whilst the changes take place I ask more to myself than to the other two in the room 'How comes it worked so easily on me and not you guys?' My sisters response was that she didn't understand how it worked on me because I was acting so normal and then asked me what was happening.
I felt that I could not describe it - it would actually make me look loony. Imagine I blurted out to my sister that she was not real - that who we have assumed we are is a complete fiction. That is always the foundation of the experience - and then there's this other process where other beings enter the scene, who they are I cannot say except that once I had a realization that they were a part of a unit that I assumed to be me and at other times they played specific familial roles. Initially when I first saw them they appeared as seperate individuals until the realization experience.
I managed to control the bodily movements - in fact it was more of an energetic wave pulsing internally and externally. With the face movements I asked if sister can see anything - nothing yet I could tell that those 'face' beings are moving about. Perhaps they didn't come out but simply moved inside - maybe sister and niece are not at a stage where they can see the movements physically. Something to do with the layers of fear - I know I went through quite a bit personally myself to get to a stage where these phenomenas do not scare me so easily. Perhaps other personal factors played a role in why it did not work for the other two.
Still in transit of that other state I was conversing as though I was in this usual physical state - only I knew that I am not entirely physically focused. Interestingly they both felt burning in the throat, as for me it was as simple as inhaling vapours - no burning, no eye watering (which was a huge problem before).
Sister tried once more, quickly taking pipe out of mouth saying that the water is coming through it, at that same moment I felt that presence and got an undeniable feeling that they or it did not want or could not allow my sister to take anymore. I took the pipe to check, smoked it knowing that no water will be coming through - after two pulls instantly salvia pulled me into that other state a litte more where I have a clearer perception of them but did not want to close eyes to see them with the other non-physical lens or what can probably be called the internal eyes.
Something has been going on in the brain for a while now since taking Salvia - inside I could feel them hammering away in the head region. Waking up from sleep it is most intense yet painless, especially after this morning I woke from sleep whilst eyes still closed head fluttering.
Yesterday when I sat on the bed with a bag resting on the side it kept shaking. I got off the bed and it stopped shaking instead there was glimmer of it moving in waves.
Tonight:
I tried to smoke salvia alone, almost did not bother - for me personally using a sheesha seems like such a long process - set the sheesha up, burn the coal and smoke in and then after that is over need to clean sheesha - feels like a chore. Didn't want my relatives who were around the house to know about my Salvia session so the smell of smoke was another issue. I used a cherry herbal mix designed for sheesha smoking and then placed plain salvia on top.
Anways decided to give it a try and instantly found every sound - everything the body could percieve amplified. Paranoia was one of them - can hear relatives outside room talking about smelling smoke, niece was incredibly annoying.
Quickly dipped coal in water and focused on diminishing smoke smell all the while resisting that other state - could feel that if I had closed eyes the others would have appeared. Got in bed after 15 minutes no visuals of them but there was intense tactile sensations.
Lately as I fall to sleep there have been electrical charges in nerves most concentrated in left calves - most of the time feels like somethng short circuiting makes me jump at night. There has been incidents of bodily spasms that occur randomly.
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Salvia in a Sheesha
Sister and mum testing out their sheeshas (aka hookah) last night. Never tried this out before and thought it was at least much more better than smoking cigarettes - pleasant to smell and the flavours were quite yummy.
Late in the night with my niece as my sitter smoked salvia. In the kitchen sat down on chair with niece on opposite side just staring at me waiting curiously to see if I lose my mind. I don't know why but I felt so strongly that it was not going to work which is why I didn't bother doing it in private still I told my niece to just keep an eye on me so I don't do anything crazy.
First pull was surprisingly gentle and smooth. It still tasted like Salvia but was not so bad. Did not hurt my throat like the smoking pipe I used before. Second pull everything changed around me - I can feel everyone present all around me and I mumble 'uh-oh' because it is occurring almost instantly. Body is fluttering - there is a sore spot on my back (maybe an insect bite) which occurred in the morning and I feel one of them pulling on it as if they placed it there. I did not expect it to be this deep, didn't use extract just plain leaf. They're forming so vividly with the play of light and shadow. I am looking not at them but at very vivid glimpses of them and asking my niece if she can see them - she can't but I know that some part of her can see this other place. I could tell she is thinking that I might be feeling like I'm in another world - but it's the same world only difference is every inch of it has come alive.
I could feel it - I'm about to completely dissolve in this other state. Tell niece that I need to go to bed - tell her to just sort the sheesha out but realize she'll end up burning the house down if I leave her to it. There is no way I can close my eyes unless body is perfectly still - closing eyes does something and has consequences for physical body. She has to get out of the kitchen - can't recall why. Just sat there eyes open totally aware in that other state and know that this will happen - a time when two states will blend as one. Kept forcing myself out of it this was definitely the wrong time, the setting was not appropriate. Niece re-enters kitchen and I tell her the basics of what occurred as I do I don't tell her I'm still in that other state and that those other beings are still there.
Upstairs I try again but niece wants to stick around yet I really do not like having a sitter. I take another two pulls and feel the effects immediately. Lay down, close eyes and that inner unravelling occurs, feel niece's energy pattern. I am going deep forgetting external surrounding but know that niece is watching. Inside, outside feels like it has come to a standstill - it no longer exists yet I know niece is there so open eyes to check with her simply watching me.
Salvia smoked in a sheesha rather than using tobacco pipes is so much better although I still wouldn't make a habit of it. The water has obviously made a huge difference. I'm amazed that my face wasn't dripping in tears. Somehow, strangely I feel last night was set up as though the days events were designed to make me take some Salvia using this method.
I don't think I have enough data to make comparisons between chewing and smoking salvia and especially since last night niece was a distraction but using a sheesha has made a huge difference, the scales are tipping a little in favour of smoking. The other important factor is I used a very small amount of Salvia, a lot less than I needed for chewing. I may try it again using a sheesha but without a sitter.
Late in the night with my niece as my sitter smoked salvia. In the kitchen sat down on chair with niece on opposite side just staring at me waiting curiously to see if I lose my mind. I don't know why but I felt so strongly that it was not going to work which is why I didn't bother doing it in private still I told my niece to just keep an eye on me so I don't do anything crazy.
First pull was surprisingly gentle and smooth. It still tasted like Salvia but was not so bad. Did not hurt my throat like the smoking pipe I used before. Second pull everything changed around me - I can feel everyone present all around me and I mumble 'uh-oh' because it is occurring almost instantly. Body is fluttering - there is a sore spot on my back (maybe an insect bite) which occurred in the morning and I feel one of them pulling on it as if they placed it there. I did not expect it to be this deep, didn't use extract just plain leaf. They're forming so vividly with the play of light and shadow. I am looking not at them but at very vivid glimpses of them and asking my niece if she can see them - she can't but I know that some part of her can see this other place. I could tell she is thinking that I might be feeling like I'm in another world - but it's the same world only difference is every inch of it has come alive.
I could feel it - I'm about to completely dissolve in this other state. Tell niece that I need to go to bed - tell her to just sort the sheesha out but realize she'll end up burning the house down if I leave her to it. There is no way I can close my eyes unless body is perfectly still - closing eyes does something and has consequences for physical body. She has to get out of the kitchen - can't recall why. Just sat there eyes open totally aware in that other state and know that this will happen - a time when two states will blend as one. Kept forcing myself out of it this was definitely the wrong time, the setting was not appropriate. Niece re-enters kitchen and I tell her the basics of what occurred as I do I don't tell her I'm still in that other state and that those other beings are still there.
Upstairs I try again but niece wants to stick around yet I really do not like having a sitter. I take another two pulls and feel the effects immediately. Lay down, close eyes and that inner unravelling occurs, feel niece's energy pattern. I am going deep forgetting external surrounding but know that niece is watching. Inside, outside feels like it has come to a standstill - it no longer exists yet I know niece is there so open eyes to check with her simply watching me.
Salvia smoked in a sheesha rather than using tobacco pipes is so much better although I still wouldn't make a habit of it. The water has obviously made a huge difference. I'm amazed that my face wasn't dripping in tears. Somehow, strangely I feel last night was set up as though the days events were designed to make me take some Salvia using this method.
I don't think I have enough data to make comparisons between chewing and smoking salvia and especially since last night niece was a distraction but using a sheesha has made a huge difference, the scales are tipping a little in favour of smoking. The other important factor is I used a very small amount of Salvia, a lot less than I needed for chewing. I may try it again using a sheesha but without a sitter.
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Self-enquiry Lucid Dream
The lucid dream I had this morning was incredible as I had an amazing ability to stay lucid for longer than usual and control certain parts of the dream.
The dream starts off in a house, and there is a part where I almost give in to sexual urges but manage to control myself remembering it is a lucid dream.
I walk downstairs aware of each step. In front of a mirror the reflection is so clear, I imagine to be wearing a coat as I want to go out, I think about it some more, thinking of the colour grey. The coat appears instantly. I fold arms almost wrapping the body getting cosy. Here, I am so amazed that it has not yet ended.
Outside approach a building feeling like I have to be there. In a room there is a woman sitting facing me but giving some kind of lecture with others around. I don't like being there, move away and end up returning outside. Here I am lucid in a dream and need to think fast before it ends - what to do? Decide that I would like to ride a bicycle on the road since I want to do so in physical might as well try to overcome the fear of it in the dream. I can cycle it's just on the road I panic.
A bicycle appears in an antiques market stall - it is made almost entirely of wood. Take my purse out giving money to someone due to perhaps temporary loss of lucidity. I remind myself that its a dream and pull out more notes for the seller. Grab the bicycle with a firm grip and get cycling. I'm cycling - my legs are moving and it appears that there is motion and I can see that I am moving at a distance only I know that really I am not moving - there is no road, no distance and soon enough the bike feels unreal as well as my pedalling efforts. I awaken asking 'who am I?'
The dream starts off in a house, and there is a part where I almost give in to sexual urges but manage to control myself remembering it is a lucid dream.
I walk downstairs aware of each step. In front of a mirror the reflection is so clear, I imagine to be wearing a coat as I want to go out, I think about it some more, thinking of the colour grey. The coat appears instantly. I fold arms almost wrapping the body getting cosy. Here, I am so amazed that it has not yet ended.
Outside approach a building feeling like I have to be there. In a room there is a woman sitting facing me but giving some kind of lecture with others around. I don't like being there, move away and end up returning outside. Here I am lucid in a dream and need to think fast before it ends - what to do? Decide that I would like to ride a bicycle on the road since I want to do so in physical might as well try to overcome the fear of it in the dream. I can cycle it's just on the road I panic.
A bicycle appears in an antiques market stall - it is made almost entirely of wood. Take my purse out giving money to someone due to perhaps temporary loss of lucidity. I remind myself that its a dream and pull out more notes for the seller. Grab the bicycle with a firm grip and get cycling. I'm cycling - my legs are moving and it appears that there is motion and I can see that I am moving at a distance only I know that really I am not moving - there is no road, no distance and soon enough the bike feels unreal as well as my pedalling efforts. I awaken asking 'who am I?'
Self-enquiry
Have been reading a lot of material on Ramana Maharishi - though I had read about the method of self-enquiry I never quite understood it - it all seemed so trivial to me. However, I focused on simply observing any thoughts that came but this did not last long. Only recently I have been so drawn to his teachings that when I read thoroughly how to go about self-enquiry I couldn't believe how something that is now so simple was once so trivial. The method could be summed up in one sentence. Follow the 'I' thought back to its source simply by asking 'who am I?' each time a thought arises. According to Maharishi the 'I' thought is the root of all thoughts - past few days from personal observation on thoughts I have found that the 'I' is indeed the root of all thoughts.
Past few days enquiring has been so easy that the question has started to arise naturally with the majority of thoughts that pop up so much that I wake up from sleep questioning 'who am I?'
Another thing that has occured is that dreams have become more vivid yet they are completely irrelevant to the quest for Self. Last night as I fell asleep something appeared pierced in the field of vision - a black hole and I was able to see a familiar face, carried on with self-enquiry focusing on the feeling of 'I'. Entered a normal dream state and from there became steadily lucid and asking the questions in the intervals.
Past few days enquiring has been so easy that the question has started to arise naturally with the majority of thoughts that pop up so much that I wake up from sleep questioning 'who am I?'
Another thing that has occured is that dreams have become more vivid yet they are completely irrelevant to the quest for Self. Last night as I fell asleep something appeared pierced in the field of vision - a black hole and I was able to see a familiar face, carried on with self-enquiry focusing on the feeling of 'I'. Entered a normal dream state and from there became steadily lucid and asking the questions in the intervals.
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