Salvia After End of Ramadan Fasting

Used salvia in my mums room last night. It has been a long time since I used this plant, just before I chewed I braced myself for the revolting bitter taste. There was noise in the background - tv and all that on. I left the light on. The body became more plastic and felt toy like, sensation of mouth feeling stiff.

The others presence lingering. Shadow produced by light fixing was generally spiralled with lines strecthing out in hexagonal directions but as I looked now with the changing sight the others moved out of it, they are camouflaging every aspect of the room. I close eyes and awareness is on the body beings, the components that make up body parts.

People living around me and my brothers and sisters, their energy essence or in other words there soul or spirit was there. Almost as if as my physical process was changing there was a shift also in their deeper being. I felt naked, all my physical habits and all that was present revealed as if they have always known how I felt. Some of them I have an aversion towards, actually mostly towards most of them and I do not know why I dislike them so much something I need to figure out. The greed that has been giving me company lately was facing me at certain times tried to avoid it.

New member of the family - sister-in-law's energy pattern emerged during a few intervals.

I sensed the energy being or pattern that belonged to a sister I was not getting along with recently who was sleeping at the moment - she knew how I felt and at that moment it was being revealed to her in dreamtime, I was shocked at this and feeling bad.

Some point I ended in the television playing downstairs and felt to be a part of the movement of the little pretend people on there acting out.

Going deeper, flooding down in the atmosphere - the world as I knew it was ending - down down down down, out out out, everything was being put away. There was music and I felt completely that I was a part of it.  Even the people and their non-physical counterparts had no reality. Everything was happening, changing so fast the body was taking on full lightness - I felt so supreme, so powerful - all impossibilities were now possible. Recently I have been skimming around for the perfect boots, desire to complete garden as effectively as I could, skimmed around for a parcel of land - how ridiculous and unnecessary it all seemed at that moment.

As I was swarming in the deepness of this never ending end I resisted. Opened my eyes, the physical eyes were so badly distorted, almost as if there was no such thing as sight. The wardrobe to the right were sort of clumped up together, in front there was another set of wardrobe with glass, on the glass was reflection and this itself was clumped up other forms or beings.

At some point theres some paranoia and I felt so sensitive to the external happenings (sounds sensations etc) I heard glass crack and thought there was a burglary. Some fear mounted, but I think I was more afraid that the others noticed this and were 'working on it'.

Recently sisters mother in law passed away from cancer, she had told me that on her death bed her face distorted so badly it was like something out of The Exorcist movie - I started to understand this phenomena with my own  physical changes with Salvia. I looked up brain cancer online earlier yesterday day to see if brain wave sensations were a symptom of cancer. The energies that go into making up the physical body decide the overall health of the body, how silly of me to think it was all down to what the body consumed. Still I could not comprehend how it is I can do all the right things for the body and yet that certain other factor can give me cancer. A group approaching in physical body, I could sense it as a form of cancer with such clarity yet I was not afraid of it almost as if physical death had no relevance. Death is impervious when Truth is revealed. No matter how much I try to explain this Truth, I can't and I wonder if I have even taken it in. It remains in the altered state but once Salvia effects wear off I am pretty much back to square one.

I felt movement in the brain, some pain near throat, an ache in the ear, what I recognized as the thing labeled as cancer was up to something. Some parts of body heating up and there were some sexual sensations.

That day and the day before I was eating so much and I think I may have had some food poisoning. In the Salvia state stomach was churning and doing something to what we know as digestive system. I kept thinking how I want to say something to someone, to anyone 'What would you do if you have discovered something, something that you may not be able to describe or even give to others and yet the moment you are with that discovery all of lifes arrays of miseries, worries and problems seize to exist? How do you share something that indescribable.' I have been reading a lot of jiddu krishnamurti materials and all that only makes sense when under that state and then coming back to the masked camaflouged life I have lost it and only fragmented awareness remains.

And now I wonder how can I even share something that I can't hold onto, a state that lasts momentarily and yet I know I can look into it but how is it that I slip so easily back into the abyss of confusion? In that state I can reveal some aspect but not being in that state is difficult. The only thing I can do now is reveal those others as faces in surrounding environment but that is like a magician showing you a trick but unable to tell you how it's done.

All I can say now is that all the worries, the numerous problems that arise are all illusory - they have no reality but there is something that is real and I know I just barely touched the surface. I see the importance of silence, the mind must be quiet and in that state all thoughts appear to be actual individual entities connected to the stream of all thoughts. In the Salvia state the mind initially is not quiet, but quietening down and in the deep process of the transition from the usual physical state to that other state the many entities are revealed and I am pulled down deeper into that end. Dialling down to the off position, and I am just barely there until some part of me goes 'hold on a minute - I have a physical life and there is something unfinished, need to return.'

Body Energy Movement

From a few days ago I made time for that energy which has some control over bodily movement.

It seems to move with more ease, in fact right now it is spinning my head, unwinding or unlocking neck area joints.

I have and sometimes still do have concern whether I am right about this being an energy or some illness. It is an involuntary movement. Every evidence seems to point in the fact that it is a form of intelligent 'energy' and my guess is it is healing, the whole movement is a detox process. I just need to give it more time. The other day when I did give it more time there was a lot of clicking near neck and back of neck at tip of spine. Sometimes it had moved head back with such force I feared spine snapping.

In the mornings upon waking up I can sense that there was a lot of movement in head region, eyes do that Salvia type fluttering, not the physical eye itself but something within projecting outwards.

I have been reading a lot of Krishnamurti text for some time now. The other day whilst resting in bed I observed thought process and there was some change occurring which I can't fully describe but also could not hold on to, I ended up dozing off and when eyes opened fluttering was much more vigorous.

Ramadan Fasting and Bodily Movements

Ramadan starts tomorrow, and though I don't practice Islam I sometimes do follow the fasting period. In the past I have noticed how beneficial the Ramadan fasting can be to my overall health so this year my intention is to keep every single fast. It is tough since you are not allowed even a drop of your own saliva from dawn to sunset.

Lately, I have been doing some 'emotional' eating where I've been snacking on lots of crap to fill up some kind of miserable emptiness eating away at me. So now I just want to clean up the mess I've just made and it's about time because I am starting to feel the repercussions from my latest bad eating habits.

Rather than suppress these crazy emotions I need to start facing them, observe and try to understand where they are coming from and why.

Ramadan feels like a relief, just the one meal a day which will be sprouts salad, and then early morning UT drink, wheatgrass juice and sole drink not always 3 types. I also intend to drink nut milks which are quite yummy. When I do the emotional eating I know I'm very much aware that there is emotional imbalance but not sure how to deal with it and I give in to the flavours. I've cut down on the chocolate dramatically but ended up replacing with even worse foods such as bombay mix and tons of peanuts which is just terrible. Fortunately my body is in disagreement with these foods so I'm just starting once again listening to it very carefully especially when my teeth decide to take a bite out of my tongue.

Body has been behaving strangely lately, the energy is more fluid seeming to have more control over body. The other day I leaned over a pot in the garden reaching out I lifted up my right leg only slightly and suddenly leg just gave out and I almost fell flat on my face on granite along with that a tray of my seedlings fell out upside down  - fortunately they survived the accident, I love that plants are so resilient. I was so angry at myself and soon I was asking myself 'why? why would you that?'

Yesterday morning I did the headstand as part of my morning ritual and as I flipped legs onto wall, without warning legs swung out to right as if by another force and I ended up slamming onto floor towards the right side. When I breathe in deeply my head does a lot of swaying almost dancing which I like this actually makes me feel very relaxed, the more deeper the breathing the more intense the movement. When I remain still and observe there is a light swaying and if I surrender to these body movements body moves in different ways and directions.

I do get paranoid about these things sometimes and other times I am concerned about my sanity. I think one of my craziest theories so far is that some kind of parasite, and by parasite I don't mean an invisible evil entity, I mean an actual wriggling worm has got into my brain and has taken over partial control over my bodily movements - my more rational diagnosis is that I'm having some kind of nervous system meltdown and my body is simply reacting. Then there's kundalini and I'd like to very much think that it is this process but I'm starting to doubt everything. Perhaps for now it is best to stick with 'it is what it is'.

Sungazing Efforts and latest updates

Lately here in the UK the weather pattern has been pretty strange. It is always cloudy and in rare moments they clear up and then recolonize. A cloudy UK is not unusual but only in the summer, this summer is warm but very cloudy. The clouds are getting denser, it is dark and there's an air of misery. Constantly raining and all these factors have put me off with any effort to sun gaze.

I have been feeling pretty miserable lately, not entirely due to weather but current situations, home life and all that piling up. I find myself giving in to emotional eating and not giving a shit about anything. One time during emotional eating something bit hard into my tongue almost puncturing it, this something has done this before and I didn't bother heeding to its stop sign. Carried on emotionally eating. I feel I am just getting increasingly depressed. I don't know if it is because everything I plan just gets flushed down the toilet, so I have decided no more planning - this reminds me of a song...

Today late in the afternoon I was just fed up with the usual daily scene, being around people who agitated me and fed up with myself for not doing anything about it I climbed into bed without a single care for anything. I thought to myself that I could be in the midst of a storm or a whipping tornado and it wouldn't phase me.

Closed eyes and mind was emptying, body would snap and jerk. My head shaked and jerked about, nodding left right, up and down. As usual the movements were startling but this time they were incredibly forced almost as if whatever is making these movements has more control. I started to see and feel wormy movements what seemed to be inside my head. Then there was some paranoid type worry 'what if these things are parasites in my head?'

Despite the sudden worry thought did not care much and let whatever 'it' was be and slept it off.

Anxious To Leave

This nightmare did not start off quite as horrific as it ended. I was at a reunion - people I knew from primary school and secondary school were present. I remember trying to put names to the faces. Friends from secondary school were all celebrating my birthday, there was chocolate cake and I swiftly grabbed myself a slice. Then I got a vibe from the friend who set up the party did not want us to eat the cake - it was just for show and she needs to reuse it for her brothers birthday. Walked off trying to remember the names of other friends. This dream was incredibly vivid.

There were some other interesting dreams, where I am being each thing around me. Lately I have been reading some Krishnamurti quotes and a very interesting one where Krishnamurti describes the oneness feeling in his words. I thought about it deeply and the same ideas played out in this dream.

I somehow ended up lying down in some kind of glass framed room in the woods. I see there are some hooligan type groups walking by, and I am startled and scared. There is that terrible sense of fear with impending doom. I know I will be attacked and think if only I had a gun I could just get it out and it would be enough to scare them  away - the way I'm thinking this thought is as if I am scripting out the scene.

The fear factor changes to something incredibly intense and unbearable, a fear of something that makes death appear more welcoming. There's something invisible, very dangerous so much that I forget the hooligans outside as if they no longer exist.I hear this invisible presence communicate with a thought loop 'Please stay with me, be with me - stay with me, be with me - stay with me, be with me'. The feeling I'm getting from it I can only describe as nightmarish. Heart palpitating and I think I might faint to death. As I try to crawl out it becomes more persistent. I slip out of its grip but not yet sure, there in my dark room, heart still palpitating, feeling dizzy and scared shitless, took a short while to realize that I had awoken from the horror. The fluttering near eyes a little different, I guess I don't trust anything or anyone - time was around 2:40am.

I thought about the other many nightmares I've had - at a time when I was going through some kind of anxiety issue which was not apparent to me at the time. Something obviously triggers it, a change in the body, healing crisis, lifestyle changes, stress. This morning after the nightmare I was having stressful thoughts, chronic mean thoughts regarding a person I seem to not get along with very well for reasons unknown to me  and then the thoughts escalated to more critism about another person. In fact I was being my old self - a person bombarded with all kinds of issues, highly critical, judgemental, hateful, stressed and just really, really, very pissed!

Sun Gaze Update

As usual have not been consistent with this practice - at most I am sun gazing at least 3 times a week. Most days have been cloudy and some days I have been feeling too groggy to get out of bed. I have been sun bathing more early morning and mostly because I get to spend time in the garden.

For now I am at 120 seconds. That is 12 days of practice - so in 1 month I only managed 12 days. I am having a slightly unexpected result from practice - for some reason I am more hungrier - I seem to keep seeking out a specific kind of flavour and texture and I have been giving in to some junk food eating - pizzas and rice. Lately with a slight change in my lifestyle I have been seeking some kind of emotional fulfillment, it is becoming more apparent how these emotions operate in the body. It is unusual that my appetite has suddenly increased, but I can feel it more to be a need for emotional feeding rather than an actual physical need.

It has only been 12 days of practice so I really can't distinguish where these crazy emotions are rising up from. Besides bad food cravings other old stuff are drudging up like the crazy anxiety nightmare I had this morning.

Return of the Head Buzz

Last night, out of the blue, those feelings of deep love for everything emerged. With those feelings eventually fell asleep  - prior to that during a meditation I ended up sleeping for almost half the day.

Dark outside, suddenly coming back into conscious awareness of  physical surrounding my right arm was raised up with palms facing the abdomen. My head started to buzz which has happened in the past only this time I was slightly worried 'what if it was an epileptic seizure?'

I let go and ended up near an ocean where other elements all around were in contact with each other, communicating in a language without words. There was the sense of others only the others were gigantic.

Consciousness deliberately zoomed back in body out of concern. The arm still raised up, a magnetic energy between the palm and abdomen. Vigorous wormy like movements deep within brain, in fact I thought there actually were worms lingering in my brain.

The buzz was intense, placed my tongue between teeth as I had the sense that I might end up grinding or clench my teeth.

I was aroused but the sexual intensity was a lot less than in past experiences yet I could hardly control myself.

I got the sense that left arm was placed behind my back as if forcibly kept there in order to prevent any movement. I yanked it out and managed to regain control over right arm. When this happened there was some pulsing in abdomen - a kind of closing down sensation. Head nodded off the excess energy. I lifted right arm and the magnetic energy still slight present - my arm felt like it could float away as if it was pumped with helium. This episode ended at 1:30am.