I haven't had any APs, not even brief experiences though I haven't exactly been trying. The SPs have been increasing without any attempt to AP. Waking up around 3 - 5am has become an automatic mechanism and usually I'm stirred awake by intensely dramatic and sometimes horrific dreams. I no longer seem to have the desire to AP.
I've lost interest in continuing the Hemi-Sync Gateway Experience program as well as meditation and the breathing methods that I made a habit of practicing. I have basically lost interest in all result and goal oriented practices - which is basically everything and I have not stopped all of these, I have just completely lost interest in them. For a while now everything just seems so purposeless. On one hand I feel incredibly empty inside and on the other hand I feel like a robot, programmed to feel and act a specific way or ways. I know I'm not depressed, maybe confused yet existence suddenly seems so clear.
With this sudden lack of interest in material and immaterial things I have been experiencing a lot of physical symptoms that suggest some kind of disorder, chaos within the nervous system. However, I don't seem to be bothered by it. My case is if death is guaranteed why do we take every opportunity to fight it?
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
Losing Interest
I haven't had any APs, not even brief experiences though I haven't exactly been trying. The SPs have been increasing without any attempt to AP. Waking up around 3 - 5am has become an automatic mechanism and usually I'm stirred awake by intensely dramatic and sometimes horrific dreams. I no longer seem to have the desire to AP.
I've lost interest in continuing the Hemi-Sync Gateway Experience program as well as meditation and the breathing methods that I made a habit of practicing. I have basically lost interest in all result and goal oriented practices - which is basically everything and I have not stopped all of these, I have just completely lost interest in them. For a while now everything just seems so purposeless. On one hand I feel incredibly empty inside and on the other hand I feel like a robot, programmed to feel and act a specific way or ways. I know I'm not depressed, maybe confused yet existence suddenly seems so clear.
With this sudden lack of interest in material and immaterial things I have been experiencing a lot of physical symptoms that suggest some kind of disorder, chaos within the nervous system. However, I don't seem to be bothered by it. My case is if death is guaranteed why do we take every opportunity to fight it?
I've lost interest in continuing the Hemi-Sync Gateway Experience program as well as meditation and the breathing methods that I made a habit of practicing. I have basically lost interest in all result and goal oriented practices - which is basically everything and I have not stopped all of these, I have just completely lost interest in them. For a while now everything just seems so purposeless. On one hand I feel incredibly empty inside and on the other hand I feel like a robot, programmed to feel and act a specific way or ways. I know I'm not depressed, maybe confused yet existence suddenly seems so clear.
With this sudden lack of interest in material and immaterial things I have been experiencing a lot of physical symptoms that suggest some kind of disorder, chaos within the nervous system. However, I don't seem to be bothered by it. My case is if death is guaranteed why do we take every opportunity to fight it?
SP Presence and The Black Bird
Lately instead of APing I seem to be experiencing a lot of SP episodes. This morning during SP I felt like there was someone in the room and in a matter of urgency I willed myself to snap out, because I really felt this presence was physical and intruding. Of course upon regaining full control of my physical apparatus there was nobody next to my door where I had assumed someone was standing watching me.
In another SP I experienced about two days ago there was a black bird on my neighbours roof. It was either a raven or a crow - honestly I can't tell the difference between these two birds. The bird then flew to my open window and landed on the frame. It stared at me intently, I felt like I was the meal of the day. The slats of the blinds were open, it put its head between the slat shimmying through. I panicked and snapped out of the SP.
In another SP which occured last week there was what looked like a seahorse but not quite. It came through my window in a similar way as the raven only I didn't feel panic. To the contrary I was delighted to see it, the creature rested on my right arm and I was able to feel the sensation as if it were occuring on a physical level though I was paralysed. I felt affection for it in the same way one does for a pet.
In another SP I experienced about two days ago there was a black bird on my neighbours roof. It was either a raven or a crow - honestly I can't tell the difference between these two birds. The bird then flew to my open window and landed on the frame. It stared at me intently, I felt like I was the meal of the day. The slats of the blinds were open, it put its head between the slat shimmying through. I panicked and snapped out of the SP.
In another SP which occured last week there was what looked like a seahorse but not quite. It came through my window in a similar way as the raven only I didn't feel panic. To the contrary I was delighted to see it, the creature rested on my right arm and I was able to feel the sensation as if it were occuring on a physical level though I was paralysed. I felt affection for it in the same way one does for a pet.
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
Hearing Stuff and Ear Crackling
Last night I was startled from sleep at 2am from the sound of a woman screaming. My sister was in the house with her friend so I thought either they were messing around or something was wrong.
I anxiously went to check on them. Sister was asleep and friend had left. I remember the scream was so incredibly loud I actually felt it inside my head. Since everything seemed fine I returned to bed. Within a few seconds of closing my eyes I heard a crackling sound, sounded like a plastic wrapper for sweets. I checked for anything under my neck though I knew there wouldn't be as I don't leave sweet wrappers on my bed but maybe somehow something got there.
There was nothing and even more strange was the fact that I was lying down perfectly still yet the crackling could not have been produced without moving. I listened to the sound intently - much more audible I realized it was coming from inside my ears. I opened my jaw and it crackled a little more.
I'm very aware that this could suggest TMJ but I haven't been experiencing severe pain and the headache is completely gone except for some pressure around frontal bone which moves down to my left temporal bone. The pressure itself is completely painless and tends to feel more like a brain massage.
I anxiously went to check on them. Sister was asleep and friend had left. I remember the scream was so incredibly loud I actually felt it inside my head. Since everything seemed fine I returned to bed. Within a few seconds of closing my eyes I heard a crackling sound, sounded like a plastic wrapper for sweets. I checked for anything under my neck though I knew there wouldn't be as I don't leave sweet wrappers on my bed but maybe somehow something got there.
There was nothing and even more strange was the fact that I was lying down perfectly still yet the crackling could not have been produced without moving. I listened to the sound intently - much more audible I realized it was coming from inside my ears. I opened my jaw and it crackled a little more.
I'm very aware that this could suggest TMJ but I haven't been experiencing severe pain and the headache is completely gone except for some pressure around frontal bone which moves down to my left temporal bone. The pressure itself is completely painless and tends to feel more like a brain massage.
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Acting Out Dreams and Teeth Clenching
This morning I had a nightmare about being chased by something the size of a toddler only it looked horrible and monstrous. It had arms and legs but did not look human, didn't even look like an alien, monster is probably the most fitting description. It looked threatening with it's sharp pointy teeth - it seemed to have no facial features and appeared 2D. I managed to get up on a raised platform. I knew the thing had intentions to attack me. I'm not one to judge a person by the way they look but this thing looked seriously cruel. Having no where to run I kicked and punched it but the creature seemed to have some super strength.
I continued kicking it trying to push it over the platform in the hope that it would fall down and just splat. It was on the edge but quickly grabbed me, I bit hard into the creatures arm at which point I woke up clenching my teeth and quickly stopped it.
A few days ago I had woken up with some pain in my mouth, headache and for two days jaw had clicked briefly in the morning. Also the tissue connecting my cheek on the left side was incredibly sore and after examining it there were a few cuts there which could've only happened from biting in that area.
Bruxism is the medical term for teeth clenching. I read about the causes of this condition and one that was highlighted is stress. Under these circumstances I would say yes I was highly stressed - it's not everyday that I get chased by an unidentifiable and ghastly looking creature. I think in a situation like that anyone would bite for their life.
I continued kicking it trying to push it over the platform in the hope that it would fall down and just splat. It was on the edge but quickly grabbed me, I bit hard into the creatures arm at which point I woke up clenching my teeth and quickly stopped it.
A few days ago I had woken up with some pain in my mouth, headache and for two days jaw had clicked briefly in the morning. Also the tissue connecting my cheek on the left side was incredibly sore and after examining it there were a few cuts there which could've only happened from biting in that area.
Bruxism is the medical term for teeth clenching. I read about the causes of this condition and one that was highlighted is stress. Under these circumstances I would say yes I was highly stressed - it's not everyday that I get chased by an unidentifiable and ghastly looking creature. I think in a situation like that anyone would bite for their life.
Saturday, 26 September 2009
Drill #3
Woke up at about 4am, after that time it was impossible to sleep.
At 7am tried to get at least an hour of sleep. I almost fell asleep until there was a startling noise of clattering pans. I was not bothered investigating this and just put it down to auditory hallucination because the sound was unusually loud as if it was coming from somewhere in my head.
Closed eyes and slept on my front. Within a few seconds I was alarmed by an impact on the back of my head but with that all too familiar drill sound that I have heard and felt twice before (Drill #1, Drill #2). The buzzing was mild at first and I decided that instead of fighting it to just observe every sensation, record every detail. As I continued to observe I noticed that everything about it increments in intensity, it gets deeper, louder and much more unbearable. There was no pain, just that feeling you get when someone scratches a blackboard only a lot worse.
I opened my eyes to see if it, whatever 'it' was would continue. It did and I guess I was surprised because I was still physically fully awake. I could see my arms stretched out, was able to move but didn't want to make any sudden movements. Seconds later it felt as if the drill bit had now got to the surface of my brain. My left arm, hand and fingers started to twitch followed by the right arm. At that point it was becoming completely unbearable, the twitching was easy to deal with and I knew it had to do with that thing getting deeper in my brain. The only part of it I could not endure was the intense sensation I felt upon impact which was increasing.
I turned around to rest on my back, the sensation lasted a minute or so before it began to dissipate into tiny vibrations, fizzing away. Ended at 7:45am.
At 7am tried to get at least an hour of sleep. I almost fell asleep until there was a startling noise of clattering pans. I was not bothered investigating this and just put it down to auditory hallucination because the sound was unusually loud as if it was coming from somewhere in my head.
Closed eyes and slept on my front. Within a few seconds I was alarmed by an impact on the back of my head but with that all too familiar drill sound that I have heard and felt twice before (Drill #1, Drill #2). The buzzing was mild at first and I decided that instead of fighting it to just observe every sensation, record every detail. As I continued to observe I noticed that everything about it increments in intensity, it gets deeper, louder and much more unbearable. There was no pain, just that feeling you get when someone scratches a blackboard only a lot worse.
I opened my eyes to see if it, whatever 'it' was would continue. It did and I guess I was surprised because I was still physically fully awake. I could see my arms stretched out, was able to move but didn't want to make any sudden movements. Seconds later it felt as if the drill bit had now got to the surface of my brain. My left arm, hand and fingers started to twitch followed by the right arm. At that point it was becoming completely unbearable, the twitching was easy to deal with and I knew it had to do with that thing getting deeper in my brain. The only part of it I could not endure was the intense sensation I felt upon impact which was increasing.
I turned around to rest on my back, the sensation lasted a minute or so before it began to dissipate into tiny vibrations, fizzing away. Ended at 7:45am.
Drill #3
Woke up at about 4am, after that time it was impossible to sleep.
At 7am tried to get at least an hour of sleep. I almost fell asleep until there was a startling noise of clattering pans. I was not bothered investigating this and just put it down to auditory hallucination because the sound was unusually loud as if it was coming from somewhere in my head.
Closed eyes and slept on my front. Within a few seconds I was alarmed by an impact on the back of my head but with that all too familiar drill sound that I have heard and felt twice before (Drill #1, Drill #2). The buzzing was mild at first and I decided that instead of fighting it to just observe every sensation, record every detail. As I continued to observe I noticed that everything about it increments in intensity, it gets deeper, louder and much more unbearable. There was no pain, just that feeling you get when someone scratches a blackboard only a lot worse.
I opened my eyes to see if it, whatever 'it' was would continue. It did and I guess I was surprised because I was still physically fully awake. I could see my arms stretched out, was able to move but didn't want to make any sudden movements. Seconds later it felt as if the drill bit had now got to the surface of my brain. My left arm, hand and fingers started to twitch followed by the right arm. At that point it was becoming completely unbearable, the twitching was easy to deal with and I knew it had to do with that thing getting deeper in my brain. The only part of it I could not endure was the intense sensation I felt upon impact which was increasing.
I turned around to rest on my back, the sensation lasted a minute or so before it began to dissipate into tiny vibrations, fizzing away. Ended at 7:45am.
At 7am tried to get at least an hour of sleep. I almost fell asleep until there was a startling noise of clattering pans. I was not bothered investigating this and just put it down to auditory hallucination because the sound was unusually loud as if it was coming from somewhere in my head.
Closed eyes and slept on my front. Within a few seconds I was alarmed by an impact on the back of my head but with that all too familiar drill sound that I have heard and felt twice before (Drill #1, Drill #2). The buzzing was mild at first and I decided that instead of fighting it to just observe every sensation, record every detail. As I continued to observe I noticed that everything about it increments in intensity, it gets deeper, louder and much more unbearable. There was no pain, just that feeling you get when someone scratches a blackboard only a lot worse.
I opened my eyes to see if it, whatever 'it' was would continue. It did and I guess I was surprised because I was still physically fully awake. I could see my arms stretched out, was able to move but didn't want to make any sudden movements. Seconds later it felt as if the drill bit had now got to the surface of my brain. My left arm, hand and fingers started to twitch followed by the right arm. At that point it was becoming completely unbearable, the twitching was easy to deal with and I knew it had to do with that thing getting deeper in my brain. The only part of it I could not endure was the intense sensation I felt upon impact which was increasing.
I turned around to rest on my back, the sensation lasted a minute or so before it began to dissipate into tiny vibrations, fizzing away. Ended at 7:45am.
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