Jealousy

Today at 11:30am decided to take a little trip with Salvia. Now, without being under the effect of Salvia I can see impressions of the 'others' - they are in motion, seeing their sudden movements. More than anything the tactile sensations are incredibly strong and intense when relaxing, napping or sleeping - even in physical activity they seem to be present. I feel lately that some kind of connection has been made.

This time soaked enough leaves to make exactly 4 quids. Salvia is tasting less bitter. I don't know what to expect when going under but I knew for sure to be silent, not worry about external noise even though my sis-in-law and her kids are here for a few days - plus loud noisy sister is in the house. I was silly to think that I could shut out the background noise or that 'they' (the others) have ability to silence those parts just like they did in another experience. Some part of the mind shuts down physical earth environment and I know it is possible like a switch that stops everything.

I chew, relax see them more clearly now. I'm waiting to go to those deeper spaces, where there are areas that are restricted.

My mouth is still, I know to be perfectly silent but background noise oozes in - my niece and nephew talking loud - just focus on silence. Then there's music blasting - wow the timing was just perfect, my loud sister is playing music - Rihanna 'what's my name'. Suddenly the crowd around me is storming over to the other side of the house watching through my sisters bedroom dancing to the tune. They're dancing and I could sense my sister is dancing as well. I'm confused and there's this other emotion, could it be I'm feeling jealous? I'm trying to recall if I've ever felt jealous to see if what I'm feeling now matches that emotion, but I don't recall ever feeling jealous, okay maybe a few times when I was a kid - but never as an adult so it feels a little foreign.

The crowd starts to notice something I think they sense that I feel abandoned or something, they slowly leave the music and approach me, I wave them away tell them it's okay, go back and enjoy the music. I even dance a little to show them that it's fine. They go back only their dancing isn't as upbeat as it was before. Oh my goodness I'm still feeling jealous, but what am I jealous of? Them diverting their attention?

I have nothing to be jealous about. I know these others like to be entertained and you know I could bust a few moves of my own. I get up, head over to my sisters room not so disoriented, one sister doing her make up and other one dancing - I see my niece is dancing as well. I join in and dance with them - it's fun for a little while but I'm feeling so emotionally disturbed - previous feeling has mutated into something else. Get back in bed, the others gather back around me. I see two of them embracing and kissing - I know they're signalling something sexual and that they're gonna get very touchy. Great - so they think after a few releases, not my fault with all the heightened sexual heat - that I'm some kind of master with this activity, or are they doing something I don't fully understand? I tell them that sexual pleasure isn't what I'm about. Again I encourage them to go and dance with my sisters or find something else to entertain themselves with because this show has just been cancelled. I feel like crying but don't want them to see me emotionally distraught so I go under duvet and let it out then I see them in there watching me - seems there's no hiding from them.

I signal them to leave me alone, lately I've become so overly depressed around people and now these beings have somehow heightened my depression. I explain to them how boring and miserable I am and all these overloaded issues that I have to deal with - it's time they move on and take their curiosity and interest elsewhere. Regret unleashing this so I started to just pretend that I can't see them anymore and play with the idea that they've left - what a relief. I notice understanding them becomes difficult when they bleed through physical reality but in the inner experiences where I go deeper, there is more calm a little more understanding on my part and less or no emotional baggage.

Later about 3pm, I tried to meditate hoping maybe I'd end up napping for a good 30mins. Electrical orgasmic charges shocking my legs, and then movement all around me intensifying. I move to rest on front side, my right arm by my side and left arms under the chest relax ready to sleep. Left arm involuntarily moved to the left several times - they're moving my left arm and now that explains all those kriyas (involuntary movements). I give up and leave it by my side. I see them with eyes closed leaning over and kissing my face - odd sensation like a hundred lips kissing each inch of my face, a beating pulsing like sensation.