Return of the Head Buzz

Last night, out of the blue, those feelings of deep love for everything emerged. With those feelings eventually fell asleep  - prior to that during a meditation I ended up sleeping for almost half the day.

Dark outside, suddenly coming back into conscious awareness of  physical surrounding my right arm was raised up with palms facing the abdomen. My head started to buzz which has happened in the past only this time I was slightly worried 'what if it was an epileptic seizure?'

I let go and ended up near an ocean where other elements all around were in contact with each other, communicating in a language without words. There was the sense of others only the others were gigantic.

Consciousness deliberately zoomed back in body out of concern. The arm still raised up, a magnetic energy between the palm and abdomen. Vigorous wormy like movements deep within brain, in fact I thought there actually were worms lingering in my brain.

The buzz was intense, placed my tongue between teeth as I had the sense that I might end up grinding or clench my teeth.

I was aroused but the sexual intensity was a lot less than in past experiences yet I could hardly control myself.

I got the sense that left arm was placed behind my back as if forcibly kept there in order to prevent any movement. I yanked it out and managed to regain control over right arm. When this happened there was some pulsing in abdomen - a kind of closing down sensation. Head nodded off the excess energy. I lifted right arm and the magnetic energy still slight present - my arm felt like it could float away as if it was pumped with helium. This episode ended at 1:30am.

The Ending Process

 I have been reading through some Jiddu Krishnamurti quotes and todays quote was:

"We hardly ever listen to the sound of a dog's bark or to the cry of a child or the laughter of a man as he passes by. We separate ourselves from everything, and then from this isolation look and listen to all things. It is this separation that is so destructive, for in that lies all conflict and confusion. If you listened to the sound of bells with complete silence you would be riding on it -or, rather, the sound would carry you across the valley and over the hill. The beauty of it is felt only when you and the sound are not separate, when you are part of it. Meditation is the ending of the separation, but not by any action of will or desire.

Meditation is not a separate thing from life; it is the very essence of life, the very essence of daily living. To listen to the bells, to hear the laughter of a peasant as he walks by with his wife, to listen to the sound of the bell on the bicycle of a little girl as she passes by: it is the whole of life, and not just a fragment of it, that meditation opens."

The bit that really stands out is 'the riding on the sound of the bells and being carried across the valley'. Journeying with Salvia has allowed me to have experiences where 'I' am literally embedded in the very physical matter around me. The most intriguing has been going inside people becoming one within the structures of the physical bodies. Other fascinating experiences include having other beings consciousness embedded in my physical body. The main element of such an experience is Oneness, you feel each part completely connected with each other creating a whole unit.

According to Krishnamurti there has to be an ending - the ending of seperation or the known and then we open up to the unknown. In my own experience I have felt the world around me come to an end but many times resistance pulled me back and each time I have had to rely on Salvia. Salvia had specifically revealed to me the ending process which at the time I translated as 'death'.

It is through this ending process which is simply entering into pure silence 

Lately I've been meditating on and off but sticking with some of my main practices. However I know I need to simply meditate without an 'end' goal, just meditate and be in the silence. It is hard though finding time with being too occupied lately, I may need to  plan this out so that each day I have some time for meditation.

Sun Gaze issues

Again I have not been able to sun gaze consistently. A few times into the second hour after sunrise I manage to sun gaze but I don't feel relaxed, maybe since I haven't had that grounded feeling on the garden slabs (need to keep box of earth for standing in). The times that I did practice much later after sun rise have made eye sight a little blurry and it seems to leave an after image. However during one practice I was able to see impressions of the suns rays glowing out and into the eyes.

I have to admit I have been rather lazy about it and there are some other factors. One is actually my new chocolate addiction which I will write about in the next post. The other factors are more complicated and too personal.

Sun Dreaming

This morning I had vivid movie type dreams - the kind with intriguing plots.

The memory of the sun dream took some time to come through and then when I remembered it clearly made a mental reminder to write about it here. Occupied throughout the day I almost completely forgot about it until the afternoon when I remembered I needed to write about an important dream. Kept digging in my mind and the mental image of the Suns face appeared.

It was a short dream but in comparison to the other longer dreams it's the best dream I've had in ages, short, simple and to the point. In the dream I was looking at the sun and it appeared to be close enough to burn me, but there were no negative incidents. I stood still realising that I was staring at the face of the sun, an actual being, just like all the creatures of the world the sun had its own independent existence. I don't recall being in awe, it felt so normal to me that the Sun and I can stare at each other.

Ceremonial Cacao

I have been consuming cacao regularly past several months, and I think my recent fatigue symptoms maybe a result of this newly formed addiction.

I also think it may have given me high amounts of energy which I have been releasing through dancing and lots of physical activity. I feel the addiction was formed from emotional problems rather than addictive substances. Most of the times when I'm reaching out for it - it has been triggered by some emotional response. Other times I am craving the taste and the euphoria such taste induces.

I am aware of raw cacao toxicity but have only consumed the roasted cacao powder until last week when I purchased the raw version. Interestingly the raw cacao does not give me that 'high' feeling which roasted gave instantly. However I was consuming it with fat (coconut oil) and sugar (dates, sometimes bananas), I have been eating in small quantities but I think the accumalation is having some effect on me right now. The main effect seems to be a fatigue that comes on suddenly but I'm not sure if this fatigue could be due to egg yolk liver flush since it started after this.

Today I was thinking about the cacao tree that produces the bean. Just like Salvia the Cacao tree has consciousness. I was consuming the powdered bean from the Cacao tree consciouness and everything that the bean had to offer was blending with my consciousness creating a fusion. Looked up cacao online today and came across an interesting blog discussing the spiritual uses of cacao: ceremonial cacao.

I realize I have been abusing cacao and so now currently will stay away from it for a while - until I once again feel the call for some cacao journeying. It has opened my eyes though - to the wide spectrum of thoughts and emotions that I'm harboring. Honestly though, most of the emotions I have been releasing have been great but that is only when I am by myself allowing the high energy thoughts flowing through and they have been just 'wow' - so maybe I have been running after these high thoughts rather than running away from the negative thoughts that seem mostly to be induced by negative circumstances in my life right now. I can't say for sure which one it is, could be both...

Sungazing Inconsistency

I have not been practising consistently mostly due to weather but also because I have not been able to get up early nor have I had the energy - it seems since the start of this week having family over my energy levels have dropped dramatically. My eyes are constantly drooping - this sleepiness is different to any sleepiness I've experienced before. Some kind of deep urge to sleep throughout the day in intervals - when I do sleep or nap and awaken there is major grogginess, do not feel rejuvenated at all. Not sure if this is the body's way of healing but I have a feeling it has something to do with the few days that I have sun gazed.  Also I did 3 egg yolk liver flushes and just the one or two enema and the new sleepy feelings could be due to that.

Have not been going out to the local park where the view of the sunrise is the clearest. At times I'd just do it in the garden only not standing on soil, will have to make an arrangement for this. Other times I am just gazing out the open window from the house (not through glass). It is quite cloudy here, hopefully not for that long. I'm not too fussed about missing days or not doing it exactly as instructed. I think attitude is more important than consistency. This morning I gazed out from the garden, it was cloudy but quite bright, I then went to lie down and relaxed - there was some pineal gland magnetic sensations, pulsing for a while and then I just dozed off for a while.

Did some deep breathing this morning in my room on the chair. As I breathed deeply focusing on the breath reaching head region my head would start bopping until I released the breath. I have noticed breathing in and focusing on different parts of the body causes different kind of involuntary movements.

Need to make an arrangement for sun charged water and start drinking regularly.

Heart Pounding Kisses

Last night as I retired to bed I was beyond sleepy, I rarely sleep in a sleepy state even this late, normally I just end up in bed still too alert to sleep.

I relaxed and started to feel pressure around my mouth which started to move around. Observing the sensations I realized, someone or something was kissing me. Soon enough my heart was pounding and there were mixed emotions flaring up, on the surface the sensations were pleasant but I was a little wary of my nocturnal visitor. What if it was some kind of parasite? I asked it to leave if it had harmful intentions. Being so curious I continued observing trying to keep from falling asleep - in the end sleep took over.

Sun Gaze - Missing Days

This morning I didn't get a chance to sun gaze and meditate - had family over last night and as a result slept late, woke up early but way too groggy to be bothered and the dense clouds were not helping much. Hopefully will catch evening sun, however living in the UK I am aware that there are going to be days with no sun and lots of rain however I won't let that hamper my sun gazing efforts, I can still meditate and continue with other practices as well as get as much early morning fresh air as possible.

Meditation Detox

Meditation is causing some kind of external detoxing that is working deep from within the mental space.  Suddenly people around me are moody to the power of infinity and I feel the huge contrast between my non meditating days to now meditating and only for just 2 days. This I feel could be the reason why I've been having difficulty meditating - I secretly know every crappyness within my space is going to get crappier. Like a healing crisis things get worse before they get better. There are currently a few changes going on in my life right now they are positive but there are still some doubts.